funny

Monday, January 19, 2015

Mr. Cope's Cave: Haircut

Posted By on Mon, Jan 19, 2015 at 10:41 AM

—Original Message—
From: B. Cope (bcope38@nosuchthing.moc)
Subject: earmuffs as indispensible fashion accessory
CC: everyone.

Just to notify: you won't be seeing much of me for a while. I will sneak out when the neighbors aren't watching to buy paper or whatever sundries I might require, but other than that, am staying home and pretending I'm not there when doorbell rings. Estimating it will take at least six weeks until I am again presentable.

Normally, am not a vain man. Nor, what you'd ever call a "looker." However, this new haircut has brought me to my knees. Can no longer brush my teeth or shave or squeeze blackheads using mirror; too upsetting. (Throw a towel over my head to avoid catching inadvertent glimpse of myself whenever I go to the bathroom.)

All started last week when I complained to her (wife) it was time for a trim. Had let it go too long, as basically, I hate haircuts, and it had grown wild and unruly. Not yet Einstein-unruly, but well on its way. Told her (wife) I looked like Daryl from Walking Dead and she said "No you don't." Immediatley recognized her argument as a ploy to get out of cutting my hair. She hates my haircuts, too, as she is the one who has to perform them. And at least I get to sit down.

She has been cutting my hair for over 40 years. She offered once when we were courting, and I never looked back. It's certainly not the only thing, but one of the things that attracted me to her in the first place, that she could cut hair. Has always perturbed me to no end that, once my hippy days were over, I was forced by society's conventions to pay a barber hard-earned currency not only to cut my hair, but to listen to his analysis of the Packers' (or the Cubs') chances as he did it. Then, had to do it all over again in two to eight weeks, depending on how committed to looking presentable I was at the time.

But into my life she (wife) comes. Appealing to behold, kind, generous, bright, happy, energetic, loving... and she could cut hair! She was never, what you would call, a "Barber to the Stars," but thankfully, 1) I am not a star; 2) her haircuts generally looked as good on me as any professional's work; 3) there was no sports banter, fishing stories or political observations to suffer through; and 4) she did it for free. I have seldom had reason to complain, and if I did, she has never had any reservations about telling me to "take it to Quicky Cuts next time if you don't like it."

This arrangement ended tragically last week, as she had come into ownership of a new electric hair clipper thingie, complete with several attachments for... actually, have no idea what the attachments are for, as have never cut hair myself, and never paid much attention to how it was done. Whatever the attachments are for doing, she did. Or, at least, tried to do. Could initially sense her excitement at having this new tonsorial toy to experiment with. But as the haircut wore on, she grew quiet and, if I am any judge of tension, tense. I said, "What's happening back there?" and she said, " I just need to even this up."

I'm not sure what she was trying to even up, but it took her many attempts to accomplish it. Back and forth with her new clipper thingie, side to side, over and over, until, in the end, there was very little left to get even. She confirmed what my sinking gut was already telling me when she said, "It'll grow back."

I suppose it will. It always has, and have no reason to believe it won't this time. However, at present, look like I just got out of prison. Or like I have been in a barbecuing accident. Or that I have ringworm. I can see more of my forehead than I've seen since high school, and don't like what I see. Even worse, I can see all of my ears. Have never liked the looks of ears. Even beautiful people have ugly ears, and I am not a beautiful people. If you ask me, ears should be in the same category as genitalia and toes—best thought of in the abstract rather than actually seen.

But unless there is a tipping point for hair, at which after being cut so short it gives up and dies, it will grow back. Until then, consider me out of town. On an extended vacation, perhaps, or dead. If you have anything to say to me, do not expect me to be there when you say it.

Oh, we must consider starting a campaign to promote ear muffs as an indispensible fashion accessory. Give it some thought.

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Friday, June 27, 2014

The Library of Congress Uploads Earliest Film Footage to YouTube, And It's Amazing

Posted By on Fri, Jun 27, 2014 at 9:53 AM

1024px-Library_of_Congress__Washington__D.C._-_c._1902.jpg

It used to be, when you thought of libraries, you thought of books. In Boise and across America, that's beginning to change as libraries have become repositories for all media, public meeting spaces and community centers. 

The Library of Congress in Washington, D.C., has been ahead of the curve on this trend, placing many of its vast resources on the web, including a gorgeous collection of early video recordings, many of which are well over a century old. Watch Sioux dancers perform the Ghost Dance in Buffalo Bill's Wild West show, Annie Oakley speed shoot targets, and, as if to prove felines and film were made for each other, Prof. Welton's boxing cats:




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Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Need Something To Do Tuesday?

Posted By on Tue, Jun 24, 2014 at 10:05 AM

Teaching you how to bring the funny. - A.K. TURNER
  • A.K. Turner
  • Teaching you how to bring the funny.

You enjoy writing, but your edges are a little... dull. You need a little extra spice to take things up a notch and widen your appeal.

A.K. Turner wants to turn your bland, humorless stories into charming reads that will delight the masses, or at least the people that read them. She'll teach you how to do just that during her Humor in Writing workshop at the Ada Community Library. Bring your notepad, pen(cil) and a student's humility for the greatest chance at success.

6:30 p.m. FREE. Ada Community Library, 10664 W. Victory Rd., Boise, 208-362-0181, adalib.org.
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Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Need Something To Do Tuesday?

Posted By on Tue, Jun 10, 2014 at 9:23 AM

"Mr. Oil, you have the right to remain silent..."
  • "Mr. Oil, you have the right to remain silent..."

When you hear the word scandal, you think of politicians behaving badly and investment tycoons partying on yachts courtesy of your grandmother's life savings. What you don't think of is olive oil—until now, that is. 

The Treasure Valley Food Coalition will illuminate the history of the substance when they discuss Extra Virginity: The Sublime and Scandalous World of Olive Oil. You may never look at your cupboard the same way again.

6 p.m. FREE. Rediscovered Books, 180 N. Eighth St., Boise, 208-376-4229, rdbooks.org.
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Friday, April 25, 2014

Boise Weekly Visits Das Breakroom, Breaks Stuff

Posted By on Fri, Apr 25, 2014 at 1:25 PM



In an upcoming edition of Boise Weekly, readers will learn about Das Breakroom, a room where people can suit up, don a hardhat and some safety goggles, and, well, break stuff.

Until then, enjoy this video of BW News Editor George Prentice dismantling a boom box with a baseball bat and teeing off on a wine bottle with a five iron. 
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Wednesday, February 19, 2014

David Attenborough Narrates Olympic Curling

Posted By on Wed, Feb 19, 2014 at 12:47 PM


Sir David Attenborough is perhaps the world's most widely known television naturalist. His grandfatherly, pillow-soft voice is a combination of gravitas and grandfatherly wisdom, and his poise and tone have lent programs like Planet Earth the kind of heft that elevate such programs from Discovery Channel.

Well, in a moment of playfulness, the British Broadcasting Company engaged Attenborough to lend his voice to something far from the Amazon rain forest or the Gobi Desert: curling. As stock promo footage of luges and ice skaters plays in the foreground, the narrator pivots to the subject of his inquiry—an obscure Canadian ice sport.

"In all my years of exploration," the veritable voice of the natural world says, "these are the creatures I find most curious."

Attenborough goes on to describe curling in the language of a naturalist in a rut. Players inspecting their equipment are looking for insects and brush-wielding players show "nature at its most vulnerable." And it only gets better from there.
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Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Cracked.com's Latest List of Creepy Costumes

Posted By on Wed, Oct 16, 2013 at 12:11 PM

Oh, Santa.
  • via CD Japan
  • Is there something in my hair? Seriously. It feels like I have a tiny bearded guy and tulle in my hair. Do you see anything?

With Halloween only two weeks away, hopefully you have your Heisenberg hazmat suit or zombie kit of fake blood and face paint ready to go. However, if you're still looking for inspiration, check out cracked.com's list of "28 Japanese Halloween Costumes That Will Haunt Your Dreams."

Possibly NSFW. Definitely CBU (Can't Be Unseen).

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Friday, June 21, 2013

Lions, Tigers and Poop, Oh My!

Posted By on Fri, Jun 21, 2013 at 10:00 AM

potewithdung.JPG
  • El Korah Shrine

It's your doody as a horticulturalist to give your plants the highest quality manure, and the El Korah Shrine Circus is handing it out for free. The show is filled with exotic beasts—like elephants, zebras and camels—but keeping such animals costs, ahem, a shitload. The circus pays hundreds of dollars a day to clear out the animal's leavings, so they're asking green-thumbed gardeners to stop them from getting backed up.

If you think your potted plants will benefit from a llama's loaf, just grab a suitable receptacle and make an urgent movement towards CenturyLink Arena Friday, June 21-Sunday, June 23. It's a crappy job, but you'll be boweled over by how good your strawberries come out. See any Shriner during circus hours (3-7 p.m. Friday, or 1-5 p.m. Saturday and Sunday) for more information. The manure will be available near the parking entrance off Capitol Blvd.

A word of warning to the exotic dung novice: Like a fine wine, manure needs to mature before it's ready. Throw it on too early and you'll flush your crops down the crapper, so leave it outside for a few months to let the forces of nature weather it down to an odorless compost.

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Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Forget TMNT, Meet the Teenage Average Normal Turtles

Posted By on Tue, Apr 16, 2013 at 3:25 PM

NormalTurtle.jpg

The Marvel Comics character Daredevil was created when a young boy pushed a blind man out of the path of a speeding truck, and was struck in the eyes by radioactive waste that spilled off of the truck and gave him superpowers.

That was, coincidentally, the same incident that created the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, a comic that was partially started as a parody of Daredevil. After striking the young Matt Murdock, aka Daredevil, the waste went into a sewer grate and, viola, a new comic franchise.

But let's be honest, the whole thing seemed a bit fishy, right? Turtles? That do ninjutsu? And eat pizza?

The time is right for a more honest assessment of turtles as cultural icons.

Enter Teenage Average Normal Turtles, a new parody video from The Pet Collective YouTube channel. Watch as they paw at their glass prison; see them covered in lettuce; marvel at their dexterity as they tumble all turtle-like.

Spoiler alert: the consistent super-power among all turtles is that they're slow.

Or as the song says: "Turtles in a glass cage, normal turtles!"

Check it out below.

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Friday, December 21, 2012

The Walking Dead Christmas Special

Posted By on Fri, Dec 21, 2012 at 3:28 PM

The behavior of consumers during the holiday season is often maligned as zombie-like. So it would make sense that someone would make a zombie Christmas special.

However, AMC declined to do so with its hit series, The Walking Dead.

That means fans of the show had to do it on their own. Check it out below.

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