To celebrate 2012—the year, not the film by disaster auteur Roland Emmerich—Boise Weekly is publishing an entire issue on a topic near and dear to the year: The Apocalypse. And a lot of real estate was dedicated to examining some of the myriad ways that the end could come—everything from robot holocausts to the bird flu to the Miami cannibal—all of them ranked on a scale of 1-10 Nostradamus units.
Unfortunately, there are so many fun ways we could all die a horrible death that some of them had to get cut for space from our Wednesday, July 18 print edition.
So we are sharing them here as a taste of what's to come and so that our readers are not without valuable information that could help them prepare for the possibility of an army of bears with jet-packs, or something equally disastrous and unlikely.
The potential apocalypti that got cut are below:
Solar Radiation/Solar Flare Issues:
The sun, she is a feisty mistress. She has one helluva nuclear temper and is a big fan of the tantrum. Solar flares and radiation cannot only burn your skin to a crisp, but disrupt radio communications, electronic equipment and all manner of other devices. Because of our dependence on computers, this has a destructive potential that Professor Alan Woodward of the University of Surrey compared to the recent Japanese tsunami in an article published by the Telegraph. But as much damage as a solar flare or solar radiation could cause, without prolonged and widespread bombardment, it isn’t likely to be an ELE, or extinction-level event.
Ranking: 1 Nostradamus Unit.
When Animals Attack:
For now, dolphins may be content rescuing Dick Van Dyke from going all Rip Van Winkle on his surfboard, but if we keep sucking them into tuna nets, at a certain point, they may decide they've had enough and fight back. And they’re smart enough to go the technological route. Once animals can harness technology, we are fucked. Can you imagine an army of bears with jet packs? No you can't, because you'd be killed by a bear with a jet pack before you could wrap your mind around the concept.
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. It could turn out sloths were faking all this time and are lighting quick assassins. The honey badger could go rogue. So if we're all mowed down in the streets by a brigade of cyborg ostriches with razor beaks guided by Google glasses, don't say we didn't warn you.
Ranking: 1 Nostradamus Unit.
Pageants have always been tacky. But that tackiness pales when compared to a pageant held in Israel this week: Miss Holocaust Survivor.
From an article on MSNBC:
The women, ranging in age from 74 to 97, clearly enjoyed themselves. Wearing black dresses, earrings and necklaces, and sporting blue-and-white numbered sashes, they grinned and waved as they were introduced to the adoring audience. Music played as the contestants walked along a red carpet, introduced themselves and described their memories of World War II.
"I have the privilege to show the world that Hitler wanted to exterminate us and we are alive. We are also enjoying life. Thank God it's that way," said Esther Libber, a 74-year-old runner-up who fled her home in Poland as a child, hid in a forest and was rescued by a Polish woman. She said she lost her entire immediate family.
A four-judge panel consisting of three former beauty queens and a geriatric psychiatrist who specializes in treating Holocaust survivors chose the winner.
Pageant organizers struck back against obvious criticisms, saying that this was less a contest of beauty than it was one that celebrated the long lives of its contestants. They added that the majority of the competition was based on personal stories of survival and tales of rebuilding lives after the war.
From a pool of more than 300 contestants, Hava Hershkovitz won the pageant. The 79-year-old Romanian survivor spent several years in a Soviet detention camp.
Miss Holocaust Survivor is not the only contest of its sort. Angola and Cambodia have both held Miss Landmine contests for women disfigured by explosions.
What's worse? Possibly having your wang amputated or dragging around 100 pounds of nutsack?
For one Las Vegas man, this isn't just a hypothetical question.
Wesley Warren Jr. has an unusual medical condition that has caused his scrotum to swell to more than 100 pounds. And amazingly, he just declined an offer for free surgery to correct the issue.
From an article in the Las Vegas Review-Journal:
Producers from The Dr. Oz Show called to say Dr. Mehmet Oz had read the piece and would find the best surgeons possible to help Warren at no cost to him.
Yet Warren balked. While fearful he might die on the operating table during the highly complicated surgery, he also said he did not like the fact that Dr. Oz wanted to confine all interviews to his show.
It's a sensitive issue, no doubt. But the reporter who covered the story for the Journal thinks there may be more at play.
The Wesley Warren of today does not act like the somber Wesley Warren I interviewed last fall. Rather than on the edge of tears, he's seemingly enjoying his celebrity. He reminds you he'll soon appear on The Learning Channel and that Fire Cracker Films of Great Britain signed him to a contract for a documentary.
However, Warren was also quite emphatic in the article that, celebrity or not, no one would want to live this way.
Full-time sketch comedy organization and occasional ham-fisted animal advocacy group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has set a new bar in its constant attempt to remove all credibility whatsoever from its cause by launching a porn site.
Peta.xxx features a collection of many of its "I'd rather go naked than wear fur" photos, as well as some nude-ish photos from its many stunts.
But click on "hardcore videos," and the content switches to torture porn, with graphic videos of some of the many ways animals are viciously mistreated at the hands of people, especially in industrial farming and medicinal research.
And yet, a photo like this delivers an equally powerful emotional gut punch about the suffering of animals without the bullshit factor.
In case you haven't logged on to any sort of social media site in the last day or two, this is what you missed: a naked man was shot and killed in Miami while eating another man alive in a drug-induced psychosis.
It was a horrific and gruesome attack that also happened to be primed for punchlines about the beginning of a zombie uprising.
But it was also caught on tape from a nearby security camera. The entirety of the incident, including the attack and the police shooting of Rudy Eugene, the Miami cannibal, is below.
Video from the same camera of the paramedics helping the victim Ronald Poppo can be seen here.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer is apparently real, there are three of her, and they are all totally bats#$% crazy.
Brynne, Savannah and Tess Larson are all sexy home-schooled Christian black belts who assist their father, pastor Bob Larson, in fighting demons without a hint of irony—when they're not busy competing in beauty pageants or performing in stage musicals, that is.
Rev. Larson says he and his family exorcism band have performed more than 1,500 exorcisms to date. But he also says that's just scratching the surface because he believes that up to half of the world's population is infested with filthy, filthy demons.
ABC News recently spent some time with the Larsons, witnessing a few of their exorcisms and getting their thoughts on why haters always be hatin' on their scheme to take advantage of the mentally ill through exorcisms. Larson's DVD series that will help you renounce the curse of tattoos, remove the curse of cremation and spiritually sue Satan only costs $49 (plus $29 shipping and handling).
But it's OK to charge schizophrenics for fake cures and try to pitch it as a reality show, because as Brynne—aka "the enforcer"—says, "There is a war going on. Satan hates us. He's attacking. And we can fight back."
The Magic Valley's Times-News is reporting that a researcher in Utah recently found out that a Mormon temple in Twin Falls performed a proxy baptism for Daniel Pearl last summer. Pearl was a Jewish writer whose beheading in Pakistan while reporting for The Wall Street Journal in 2002 was videotaped and distributed online by Islamic extremists.
The proxy baptism was performed without his family's knowledge or consent, and is yet another public-relations blow to the Mormon Church, which has taken consistent heat for its members' baptisms of holocaust victims, despite repeated calls from the church to halt the practice.
From the article:
Reached by phone, Pearl’s mother, Ruth, said she and her husband were dismayed when informed of the ceremony by a reporter from the Boston Globe, which first reported the news. According to the paper, the researcher is Helen Radkey, an excommunicated Mormon who combs through church archives.
“We realize that the Mormon ministers who baptized our son posthumously meant to offer him salvation in the most honorable way they know how,” she said in statement. “To them we say: We appreciate your good intentions but rest assured that Danny’s soul was redeemed through the life that he lived and the values that he upheld. He lived as a proud Jew, died as a proud Jew and is currently facing his creator as a Jew—blessed, accepted and redeemed.”
Officials from the Twin Falls temple told the Times-News they were looking into the matter and could not confirm or deny the act.
Former U.S. President Bill Clinton described the border between North and South Korea as the scariest place in the world. Much of that scare factor had to do with the dystopia waiting on the other side.
Under the leadership of Kim Jong Il, North Korea was almost an Orwellian satire. It's a place where children were taught arithmetic by adding together the number of their family members killed by evil Americans, and the citizenry was taught to believe that Kim Jong Il's moods controlled the weather.
But it wasn't funny. After interviewing more than 1,000 refugees, South Korean charity Good Friends estimated that approximately 3.5 million people have starved to death in North Korea since 1995. All that while, Il drove a fleet of Mercedes Benzes and imported approximately $700,000 a year in cognac. His personal expenses were estimated to comprise 20 percent of the nation's budget.
He was a total d-bag.
After remaining in power for decades, inciting no shortage of international conflicts and making North Korea into a nuclear power, Il died over the weekend, leaving his youngest son as successor. As is our tradition with notable deaths, BW reached out to our staff and readers for memorial haikus. What people choose to remember, is up to them.
The results are below. Any additional memorial haikus may be left in the comment box below.
Kim Jong Il is dead.
Kim Jong Il is really dead.
Kim Jong Il is dead.
tiny little man
big hair no soul sunglasses
can i have your shoes?
Only drove Mercedes
Drank Hennsey like a fish
His people starved
Built a pyramid
Made of concrete and sadness
Hotel? No, folly.
Kim Jong Il has died
Like a turd in a toilet
Flush him down the drain
Black hair dye kills the
insane dictator. So says
the Weely World News.
Always a sweet boy.
Sewn in the sky as Sun. Kim!
So Dear, our Leader
Kristi Marshall Jordan
I thought Granma died
But imagine my relief
It was Kim Jong Il
Kimberly M. Raymond-Jensen
Dictator Kim Jong
Wronery no long in hell
Satan shows him love
You've lorded the North
with your iron-fisted rule;
now it's "Miller Time".
Netflix wonders how
Revered Leader will return
Platform shoes, big hair...
Satan really goes crazy
for a sharp-dressed man!
Kim Jong you got il
On a slow train from China
Our hearts disobey
not just reserved for Hitler
in Hell, anymore...
Dead Kim Jong Il asks,
"What's with all of these haikus?"
Shut up, bend over!
Kim Jong-Il never
again to see the sunlight
HOW DOES THAT DIRT TASTE
Das ist merkwurdig-
Wasn't he "Dr. Strangelove's"
biggest Asian fan?
On the other hand...
Wasn't he "Dr. Strangelove's"
SMALLEST Asian fan?
Zane Thelonious Norsworthy
Oh supreme leader
Death did not obey your laws
Who will stop your son?
North Korea has nukes
We don't like starving children
The UN must act
Sun, what have ye done?
Anxious now to meet young Un
Hope: A new flavor!
Zane Thelonious Norsworthy
The last sound he made
Reverberated like this:
Clip, Clop, Clip, Clop, Thunk!
Ah, the scenic majesty of America's national parks: The awe-inspiring natural wonder of Yellowstone, the towering rock faces of Yosemite, the spray-painted graffiti of the Grand Canyon ... wait, what?
It seems a Canadian tourist visiting one of the seven wonders of the natural world decided that he wanted to leave his own mark on the landmark. Four letters into writing his full name, Lucien Lionel Chenier, on the Duck on a Rock formation (a photographers' favorite), he was stopped.
Chenier didn't have much explanation for defacing one of the most iconic places in the world, other than he wanted his kids to be able to see his name in 20 years. Hmmm, is that spelled M-O-R-O-N or J-A-C-K-A-S-S?
Restoration is expected to cost more than $8,000 and will have to be done by a team of specialists who also happen to be rock climbers.
Check out the Ottawa Citizen's report on the incident.