Not Funny

Monday, October 6, 2014

Mr. Cope’s Cave: And You Thought Ebola Was Bad

Posted By on Mon, Oct 6, 2014 at 10:13 AM

I probably should be freaking out over Ebola today, but I feel there is a more immediate threat to those who live in Southern Idaho. And I will not pussyfoot around the risk and assure you it couldn’t happen here. Rather, I must warn you it could most definitely happen here because it did happen here! Or more specifically, it happened in Twin Falls, and I know… because it happened to me!

Fortunately, there is a simple step you can take to avoid this disturbing threat: Do not, under any circumstances, stop for lunch at a Mexican restaurant in Twin Falls, Idaho, and tell them it is your birthday! 

And now that you know what you must do to escape the fate that befell me, I will walk you through those ominous steps that led inexorably to my unhappy encounter with… ah, the horror of it!… whipped cream!

You may recall, on the weekend before last, I went to Nevada. As it was the gambling we went for, rather than the drive, we picked the most direct route possible from Meridian to the nearest slot machine, which, by our reckoning, is in Jackpot. The “we” other than the “me” was my wife and daughter, my brother-in-law and a couple who lives across the street from us  whom we are lucky enough to call friends.

The whole excuse for going was that my birthday, as well as those of my brother-in-law and daughter, were all coming up soon. It was my daughter’s idea to celebrate the event by going to a place where I could lose a bunch of money in a relatively short span of time.

On the way back, we decided to stop in Twin Falls for breakfast, although by the time we got there, it was noon. And with the churches getting out just as we hit town, every restaurant we passed was either full or filling fast.

I’m not sure why we settled on Mexican, other than it is the one food genre we could all agree on. Plus, the place we chose had a bright, appealing nature to it, inside and out. I ordered something I’d never had before, huevos rancheros, because I still had a lingering itch for breakfast, and also because I didn’t know at the time that refried beans and sunny-side up eggs have no business being on the same plate together.

I ate it all anyway. I was hungry and it was filling, in spite of what it looked like after I made the mistake of breaking the yolks. In fact, I must have been so involved with trying to corral the yellow-brown glop onto the tortillas provided, it totally escaped my attention when my wife pulled our waitress aside and arranged a surprise.

Nor did it dawn on me what was happening after we were all done eating, yet no one was making a move to rise from the table. Everyone was just sitting there, languidly, with their smartphones in hand, as though we didn’t still have 120 miles yet to drive.

And a surprise it was, indeed, when all four waiters and waitresses, plus a bus boy or two, jumped up from behind me, slapped an enormous sombrero on my noggin—a sombrero so vast in brim, it could have doubled as a patio umbrella for all Three Amigos—and started singing some folkish Spanish song about panchitos—or something—after which they broke into “Happy Birthday to Usted.”

All well and good. I was mildly embarrassed, as I always am when I become the center of attention. Not only were my family and friends all snapping off cellphone photos of me in that ridiculous sombrero, but the other patrons seemed to be enjoying the spectacle. And by now, the place was full of people who, I imagined, had worked up a healthy appetite for burritos and tostados and such in the pews of their chosen places of worship.

When the musical portion of the production was over, one of the singers sat a gooey pastry before me—a south-of-the-border version of birthday cake—and our waitress stepped behind me, holding one hand behind her back. She put the other hand on my shoulder and said something in my ear I didn’t catch. But judging by what she did next, it could well have been, “Take this, asshole.”

In that hidden hand was a napkin filled with whipped cream. Cold whipped cream. As her hand came around, I thought for a moment she was simply going to rinse something of my face. What great service, I thought, to have huevos rancheros wiped off your chin by your waitress.

But, no. It was the old pie-in-the-face trick, except with no pie. She was respectful of my glasses, smearing the froth only from my nose down. My family and friends erupted in laughter, along with 40 fellow diners. I jerked to my feet, shocked, with that same expression on my face I would have if my trousers were to suddenly drop to my ankles while delivering a commencement address—which, of course, made everyone laugh even harder. In my bones, I felt those cellphone cameras clicking away.

I could have said nothing, I suppose. And in retrospect, I should have said nothing. But the occasion certainly felt like I should say something, even though the only words that came to mind—and mouth—were “What is wrong with you people in Twin Falls!?”

My, did it get quiet quick.

Alright. What happened to me in Twin wasn’t as bad as Ebola. Nowheres near as bad as Ebola, actually. I was being hyperbolic by even bringing up Ebola to start this off, or using the word in the title. I was simply trying to suck you into my silly—and ultimately dull—little story. (In fact, my first title was “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way Home from Jackpot,” but decided even I wouldn’t want to read such a thing.)

So I used “Ebola” in the same way a fisherman puts a shiny lure on his line, or a used car lot puts an inflatable Gumby out next to the entrance. Sorry if I offended, but it’s not my fault so many people are freaking out over Ebola right now.

I also should apologize to the citizens of Twin Falls, who I am certain are fine and decent people, in spite of what they consider funny down there.

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Tuesday, July 17, 2012

The Apocalypse Issue is Nigh

Posted By on Tue, Jul 17, 2012 at 11:43 AM

To celebrate 2012—the year, not the film by disaster auteur Roland Emmerich—Boise Weekly is publishing an entire issue on a topic near and dear to the year: The Apocalypse. And a lot of real estate was dedicated to examining some of the myriad ways that the end could come—everything from robot holocausts to the bird flu to the Miami cannibal—all of them ranked on a scale of 1-10 Nostradamus units.

Unfortunately, there are so many fun ways we could all die a horrible death that some of them had to get cut for space from our Wednesday, July 18 print edition.

So we are sharing them here as a taste of what's to come and so that our readers are not without valuable information that could help them prepare for the possibility of an army of bears with jet-packs, or something equally disastrous and unlikely.

The potential apocalypti that got cut are below:

Solar Radiation/Solar Flare Issues:

The sun, she is a feisty mistress. She has one helluva nuclear temper and is a big fan of the tantrum. Solar flares and radiation cannot only burn your skin to a crisp, but disrupt radio communications, electronic equipment and all manner of other devices. Because of our dependence on computers, this has a destructive potential that Professor Alan Woodward of the University of Surrey compared to the recent Japanese tsunami in an article published by the Telegraph. But as much damage as a solar flare or solar radiation could cause, without prolonged and widespread bombardment, it isn’t likely to be an ELE, or extinction-level event.

Ranking: 1 Nostradamus Unit.


When Animals Attack:

For now, dolphins may be content rescuing Dick Van Dyke from going all Rip Van Winkle on his surfboard, but if we keep sucking them into tuna nets, at a certain point, they may decide they've had enough and fight back. And they’re smart enough to go the technological route. Once animals can harness technology, we are fucked. Can you imagine an army of bears with jet packs? No you can't, because you'd be killed by a bear with a jet pack before you could wrap your mind around the concept.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. It could turn out sloths were faking all this time and are lighting quick assassins. The honey badger could go rogue. So if we're all mowed down in the streets by a brigade of cyborg ostriches with razor beaks guided by Google glasses, don't say we didn't warn you.

Ranking: 1 Nostradamus Unit.

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Saturday, June 30, 2012

Worst Pageant Ever: Miss Holocaust Survivor

Posted By on Sat, Jun 30, 2012 at 7:00 AM

Pageants have always been tacky. But that tackiness pales when compared to a pageant held in Israel this week: Miss Holocaust Survivor.

From an article on MSNBC:

The women, ranging in age from 74 to 97, clearly enjoyed themselves. Wearing black dresses, earrings and necklaces, and sporting blue-and-white numbered sashes, they grinned and waved as they were introduced to the adoring audience. Music played as the contestants walked along a red carpet, introduced themselves and described their memories of World War II.

"I have the privilege to show the world that Hitler wanted to exterminate us and we are alive. We are also enjoying life. Thank God it's that way," said Esther Libber, a 74-year-old runner-up who fled her home in Poland as a child, hid in a forest and was rescued by a Polish woman. She said she lost her entire immediate family.

A four-judge panel consisting of three former beauty queens and a geriatric psychiatrist who specializes in treating Holocaust survivors chose the winner.

Pageant organizers struck back against obvious criticisms, saying that this was less a contest of beauty than it was one that celebrated the long lives of its contestants. They added that the majority of the competition was based on personal stories of survival and tales of rebuilding lives after the war.

From a pool of more than 300 contestants, Hava Hershkovitz won the pageant. The 79-year-old Romanian survivor spent several years in a Soviet detention camp.

Miss Holocaust Survivor is not the only contest of its sort. Angola and Cambodia have both held Miss Landmine contests for women disfigured by explosions.

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Thursday, June 21, 2012

Las Vegas Man to Keep 100-Pound Scrotum, For Now

Posted By on Thu, Jun 21, 2012 at 12:07 PM

What's worse? Possibly having your wang amputated or dragging around 100 pounds of nutsack?

For one Las Vegas man, this isn't just a hypothetical question.

Wesley Warren Jr. has an unusual medical condition that has caused his scrotum to swell to more than 100 pounds. And amazingly, he just declined an offer for free surgery to correct the issue.

From an article in the Las Vegas Review-Journal:

Producers from The Dr. Oz Show called to say Dr. Mehmet Oz had read the piece and would find the best surgeons possible to help Warren at no cost to him.

Yet Warren balked. While fearful he might die on the operating table during the highly complicated surgery, he also said he did not like the fact that Dr. Oz wanted to confine all interviews to his show.

It's a sensitive issue, no doubt. But the reporter who covered the story for the Journal thinks there may be more at play.

The Wesley Warren of today does not act like the somber Wesley Warren I interviewed last fall. Rather than on the edge of tears, he's seemingly enjoying his celebrity. He reminds you he'll soon appear on The Learning Channel and that Fire Cracker Films of Great Britain signed him to a contract for a documentary.

However, Warren was also quite emphatic in the article that, celebrity or not, no one would want to live this way.

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Thursday, June 7, 2012

PETA Makes Porn into a Turn-Off

Posted By on Thu, Jun 7, 2012 at 9:32 AM

Full-time sketch comedy organization and occasional ham-fisted animal advocacy group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has set a new bar in its constant attempt to remove all credibility whatsoever from its cause by launching a porn site.

Peta.xxx features a collection of many of its "I'd rather go naked than wear fur" photos, as well as some nude-ish photos from its many stunts.

But click on "hardcore videos," and the content switches to torture porn, with graphic videos of some of the many ways animals are viciously mistreated at the hands of people, especially in industrial farming and medicinal research.

And yet, a photo like this delivers an equally powerful emotional gut punch about the suffering of animals without the bullshit factor.

[ Video is no longer available. ]

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Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Miami Cannibal Attack Caught on Tape

Posted By on Wed, May 30, 2012 at 3:45 PM

In case you haven't logged on to any sort of social media site in the last day or two, this is what you missed: a naked man was shot and killed in Miami while eating another man alive in a drug-induced psychosis.

It was a horrific and gruesome attack that also happened to be primed for punchlines about the beginning of a zombie uprising.

But it was also caught on tape from a nearby security camera. The entirety of the incident, including the attack and the police shooting of Rudy Eugene, the Miami cannibal, is below.

Video from the same camera of the paramedics helping the victim Ronald Poppo can be seen here.

[ Video is no longer available. ]

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Saturday, April 7, 2012

Hot Teen Exorcism Squad to the Fake Rescue

Posted By on Sat, Apr 7, 2012 at 6:00 AM

Buffy the Vampire Slayer is apparently real, there are three of her, and they are all totally bats#$% crazy.

Brynne, Savannah and Tess Larson are all sexy home-schooled Christian black belts who assist their father, pastor Bob Larson, in fighting demons without a hint of irony—when they're not busy competing in beauty pageants or performing in stage musicals, that is.

Rev. Larson says he and his family exorcism band have performed more than 1,500 exorcisms to date. But he also says that's just scratching the surface because he believes that up to half of the world's population is infested with filthy, filthy demons.

ABC News recently spent some time with the Larsons, witnessing a few of their exorcisms and getting their thoughts on why haters always be hatin' on their scheme to take advantage of the mentally ill through exorcisms. Larson's DVD series that will help you renounce the curse of tattoos, remove the curse of cremation and spiritually sue Satan only costs $49 (plus $29 shipping and handling).

But it's OK to charge schizophrenics for fake cures and try to pitch it as a reality show, because as Brynne—aka "the enforcer"—says, "There is a war going on. Satan hates us. He's attacking. And we can fight back."

[ Video is no longer available. ]

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Thursday, March 1, 2012

Times-News: Beheaded Jewish Writer Posthumously Baptized in Twin Falls

Posted By on Thu, Mar 1, 2012 at 3:16 PM

The Magic Valley's Times-News is reporting that a researcher in Utah recently found out that a Mormon temple in Twin Falls performed a proxy baptism for Daniel Pearl last summer. Pearl was a Jewish writer whose beheading in Pakistan while reporting for The Wall Street Journal in 2002 was videotaped and distributed online by Islamic extremists.

The proxy baptism was performed without his family's knowledge or consent, and is yet another public-relations blow to the Mormon Church, which has taken consistent heat for its members' baptisms of holocaust victims, despite repeated calls from the church to halt the practice.

From the article:

Reached by phone, Pearl’s mother, Ruth, said she and her husband were dismayed when informed of the ceremony by a reporter from the Boston Globe, which first reported the news. According to the paper, the researcher is Helen Radkey, an excommunicated Mormon who combs through church archives.

“We realize that the Mormon ministers who baptized our son posthumously meant to offer him salvation in the most honorable way they know how,” she said in statement. “To them we say: We appreciate your good intentions but rest assured that Danny’s soul was redeemed through the life that he lived and the values that he upheld. He lived as a proud Jew, died as a proud Jew and is currently facing his creator as a Jew—blessed, accepted and redeemed.”

Officials from the Twin Falls temple told the Times-News they were looking into the matter and could not confirm or deny the act.

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Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Kim Jong Il Memorial Haikus

Posted By on Tue, Dec 20, 2011 at 11:00 AM

Former U.S. President Bill Clinton described the border between North and South Korea as the scariest place in the world. Much of that scare factor had to do with the dystopia waiting on the other side.

Under the leadership of Kim Jong Il, North Korea was almost an Orwellian satire. It's a place where children were taught arithmetic by adding together the number of their family members killed by evil Americans, and the citizenry was taught to believe that Kim Jong Il's moods controlled the weather.

But it wasn't funny. After interviewing more than 1,000 refugees, South Korean charity Good Friends estimated that approximately 3.5 million people have starved to death in North Korea since 1995. All that while, Il drove a fleet of Mercedes Benzes and imported approximately $700,000 a year in cognac. His personal expenses were estimated to comprise 20 percent of the nation's budget.

He was a total d-bag.

After remaining in power for decades, inciting no shortage of international conflicts and making North Korea into a nuclear power, Il died over the weekend, leaving his youngest son as successor. As is our tradition with notable deaths, BW reached out to our staff and readers for memorial haikus. What people choose to remember, is up to them.

The results are below. Any additional memorial haikus may be left in the comment box below.

Lexy Leahy
Kim Jong Il is dead.
Kim Jong Il is really dead.
Kim Jong Il is dead.

Amanda Collins
tiny little man
big hair no soul sunglasses
can i have your shoes?

Boise Weekly
Only drove Mercedes
Drank Hennsey like a fish
His people starved

Jacob Whittaker
Built a pyramid
Made of concrete and sadness
Hotel? No, folly.

Julie Anderson
Kim Jong Il has died
Like a turd in a toilet
Flush him down the drain

Geoff Baker
Black hair dye kills the
insane dictator. So says
the Weely World News.

Boise Weekly
Always a sweet boy.
Sewn in the sky as Sun. Kim!
So Dear, our Leader

Kristi Marshall Jordan
I thought Granma died
But imagine my relief
It was Kim Jong Il

Kimberly M. Raymond-Jensen
Dictator Kim Jong
Wronery no long in hell
Satan shows him love

Todd Camack
You've lorded the North
with your iron-fisted rule;
now it's "Miller Time".

Todd Camack
Netflix wonders how
Revered Leader will return
"Team America".

Todd Camack
Platform shoes, big hair...
Satan really goes crazy
for a sharp-dressed man!

Colby Spath
Kim Jong you got il
On a slow train from China
Our hearts disobey

Todd Camack
Backwards pineapples:
not just reserved for Hitler
in Hell, anymore...

Todd Camack
Dead Kim Jong Il asks,
"What's with all of these haikus?"
Shut up, bend over!

Travis Browndyke
Kim Jong-Il never
again to see the sunlight
HOW DOES THAT DIRT TASTE

Todd Camack
Das ist merkwurdig-
Wasn't he "Dr. Strangelove's"
biggest Asian fan?

Todd Camack
On the other hand...
Wasn't he "Dr. Strangelove's"
SMALLEST Asian fan?

Zane Thelonious Norsworthy
Oh supreme leader
Death did not obey your laws
Who will stop your son?

Boise Weekly
North Korea has nukes
We don't like starving children
The UN must act

Annie Berical
Sun, what have ye done?
Anxious now to meet young Un
Hope: A new flavor!

Zane Thelonious Norsworthy
The last sound he made
Reverberated like this:
Clip, Clop, Clip, Clop, Thunk!

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Friday, September 2, 2011

Graffiti on the Grand Canyon

Posted By on Fri, Sep 2, 2011 at 3:10 PM

Ah, the scenic majesty of America's national parks: The awe-inspiring natural wonder of Yellowstone, the towering rock faces of Yosemite, the spray-painted graffiti of the Grand Canyon ... wait, what?

It seems a Canadian tourist visiting one of the seven wonders of the natural world decided that he wanted to leave his own mark on the landmark. Four letters into writing his full name, Lucien Lionel Chenier, on the Duck on a Rock formation (a photographers' favorite), he was stopped.

Chenier didn't have much explanation for defacing one of the most iconic places in the world, other than he wanted his kids to be able to see his name in 20 years. Hmmm, is that spelled M-O-R-O-N or J-A-C-K-A-S-S?

Restoration is expected to cost more than $8,000 and will have to be done by a team of specialists who also happen to be rock climbers.

Check out the Ottawa Citizen's report on the incident.

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