In national statistics, Boise has ranked high for being one of the nation's most livable cities, having some of the best bike infrastructure and having one of the most happening independent music scenes. Well, according to an article in Men's Health, Boise can add one more ranking to that list: porn capital. According to the article, Boise—aka the place where vanilla is occasionally referred to as "spicy" and open discussions of sex and sex-related issues are about as common as Bigfoot sightings—ranked 11th in national porn consumption statistics.

From the article:

We peered through a statistical peephole to tabulate the following criteria: the number of DVDs purchased, rented, or streamed (AdultDVDEmpire.com); adult entertainment stores per city (StorErotica.net); rate of porn searches (Google Insights); and, for fans of soft-core, percentage of Cinemax-subscribing households (SimplyMap).

No other cities in Idaho made the list, which means Boise can now officially stake our claim as the swingingest burg in the Gem State. Top honors were taken by Orlando, Fla., and Boise was just edged out of the top 10 by Austin, Texas.

But we handily defeated our ancient enemy, Portland, Ore. Those prudes with their statistically larger penises and their 10,000-strong naked bike ride only ranked 16th.

No words in the English language are dreaded more than "some assembly required." Why? Because what should be a simple matter of inserting tab A into slot B becomes a nightmarish hulk of twisted metal that darkens your living room, garage and back yard successively.

Truth is, some things, no matter how simple they seem on the surface, can benefit from the knowledge of experts.

And today, you have a chance to hear and learn from an expert about all things tab A and slot B related.

Nina Hartley, star of more than 500 films like A Milf's Tale, Evil Cuckolds 2, Who's Nailing Palyn, When Cougars Attack, Rico's Banging Yo' Mama, and Leather Bound Dykes From Hell 20, will be in town today to drop knowledge.

Hartley will teach a couples class from 1-3 p.m. and then do a product signing at 5 p.m. Space is limited, so registration is required. She will also be raffling off a dinner date.

Both events will take place at Adam and Eve, 6919 W. Fairview Ave. The class costs $10 but the signing is free.

According to one of the charts, 20 percent of Jewish women claim never to have masturbated, as opposed to 18 percent of Hindus and 8 percent of Christians. The lowest percentage was a tie between Christian and Atheist men at 2 percent.

Other items charted include sex drive as it relates to college tuition, the average length of a relationship vs. the average length for regular Twitter users, and the level of confidence claimed across the spectrum of body types.

The charts are made with data gathered from users as they answer questions about their interests, demographics and personal backgrounds and desires.

Previous graphs have addressed things like the number of messages sent and received by members of various races and the number of messages sent between members as it relates to their profile photos.

Aside from being a sociologist's dream, the overall thrust of much of the data is that people are much shallower than they'd like to admit.

Scientific it isn't, but embarrassing it is. Recently released sales data from the condomania Web site, which sells custom-fit condoms in 76 sizes across the United States, ranks Idaho 34th in penis size, far far behind Oregon, which ranked No. 2. Portland and Seattle also both made the top 20 list for cities—Portland at No. 6 and Seattle at No. 11. New Orleans was ranked first.

If Dr. Strangelove worked for Butch Otter, I'm pretty sure he'd be banging his fist and ranting about not allowing a wang gap right about now.

Other interesting findings from the data include that blue states are bigger than red states, (bad news for ladies of bumper sticker repute) and that as far as cities go, Dallas is the teensiest of 'em all. Feel free to draw your own conclusions about the need for trucks and invading foreign countries.

From the report...

"These fitted condoms range in length from 3 to 10 inches and from super slim to extra roomy." says Chris Filkins, Condomania’s Directory of Technology. "After gathering detailed information on over 27,000 penises, we now have the most comprehensive database of penis sizes on the planet! Needless to say, these men's privacy is our utmost concern, and we're interested only in the statistics, and not who's who! But the data itself is pretty interesting."

"Unlike other studies in which participants were measuring their penis size solely for the sake of recording a measurement, and were perhaps more likely to exaggerate," says Filkins, "our database is comprised of men looking for the best fit condom for safety and comfort, and thus, we believe, apt to be more accurate." Filkins continues, "The customer satisfaction surveys we received overwhelmingly indicated that men of all sizes, but particularly those on either end of the size spectrum, benefited immensely from a properly fitting condom."

It's frustrating how legit that sound, innit? There's always the possibility Idaho's rankings were skewed because of low condom sales due to some of its more religious population, but it's still a pretty sad showing.

Regardless, Idaho studs can take solace knowing that they're still better off than their eastern neighbors, Wyoming, who finished dead last.

I have received an offer to consider. There is a relatively new Boise-based, independent company manufacturing a personal lubricant called Wud Polish. Here is the information from their Web site:

I am not impressed with the Web site. But to be fair, I am not sure what the Web site quality has to do with the quality of the lubricant.

I have been offered samples for the BW staff, but I'm not sure what to do. Do I get the samples and, in our Friday morning staff meeting, make a casual announcement that I have a sample of lubricant for everyone?

And perhaps we have overlooked an important category in our annual Best of Boise: Best Local Personal Lubricant.

Ah, it's just another day at Boise Weekly.