Fellow Idahoans, my opponent wants you to think that change is somehow good. He wants you to believe that there is something wrong with the way we do things here in Idaho, and that the good people of this great state somehow don't know what's best for them. Well, make no mistake, I'm not going to sit around and let some liberal carpetbagger from Connecticut come in here and tell us what kind of pizza to eat!
My parents, like yours, raised me with the kind of pizza that I was proud to eat then, and proud to eat today! It had a thick doughy crust, tomato sauce, mozzarella cheese, and traditional American toppings like pepperoni, mushrooms and black olives. And as I look around, I'd say we turned out pretty darn good. But these interlopers, with their new ideas like wood-fired brick ovens and fresh ingredients, will, if left unchecked, influence us to expect more from our leading pizzerias, and that's dangerous.
I'm told that at Boise Weekly (boos, hisses, and a lone crying baby are heard from the crowd), my opponent has the support of one of their writers. This food pundit thinks that Casanova Pizzeria has the best pizza in town (beating out the competition in a photo finish). Did you hear that? The best pizza in town! He has been spotted ordering their Quattro Stagioni, a pizza with separated toppings, one per quarter. Pizza toppings, like church and state, should not be separate. It's un-American, and I'll ban the practice once elected. This writer also has the temerity to request a pizza he thought up on his own ... and my opponent tolerates that sort of independent ordering! I'm told that the pizza sauce is made only with pesto, and topped with pepperoni, goat cheese and basil. He even has a name for it--the Waj Mahal. If elected, I promise that I'll seek a constitutional amendment outlawing any union of pizza ingredients that are not found in the traditional pizza menu, or otherwise approved of by the NRA.
Folks, I have here a copy of the one true and acceptable menu. I want each of you to grab as many copies as you can, and put them up in your neighbor's homes, in schools and other public places so we can remind everyone of how they should be ordering pizza. And if elected, I promise that I will make sure a law is passed mandating that a copy of this menu is present in every pizza place in the state!
With your support, we can ensure that pizza in Idaho will never change. So remember, vote Tuesday, November 7.
--Waj Nasser is off his meds and that's probably why he approved this message.