Conservative Jeopardy 

What is dumber than a doorknob, Alex

I've been watching Jeopardy for at least 25 years. Love it. Helps me keep myself in proper perspective, brain-wise. I can't get too big a head when someone on the show is kicking my ass at home.

On the other hand, if I get to feeling overly stupid, I can sit through a half-hour of Jeopardy and might possibly come out of it knowing that there are anywhere from one to three people on the planet who are dumber than me. That's generally all the self-esteem I need.

On a recent episode, something happened I've never seen before. For a while, all three contestants were in the hole at the same time. (For those who don't know the Jeopardy procedure, wrong answers mean you lose the money value of the question, and the losses don't have to stop at zero.)

It got me to wondering what the show might look like if they staged a special competition like they do for bright teenagers, college students and ex-champions, only this would be between (what we might generously call) "low-information individuals." Following is an excerpt from that imaginary contest.

•••

Alex: The category is "Which President Did It?" OK, are we ready? Of all the U.S. presidents since 1980, this man has taken the fewest vacation days by far. (buzz!) Yes, Phil.

Phil (representing the Arizona Don't-Tread-On-Me-ers): What is Ronald Reagan, Alex.

Alex: No. (buzz!) Doris.

Doris (representing the Kansas Chapter of the Tea Partyettes): Who is Ronald Reagan, Alex.

Alex: Wrong. And it seems Leonard isn't going to ring in. The answer is Barack Obama. Ba-rack Obama. Doris, you're still in charge of the board. Oh, and Leonard, I believe you're holding your buzzer upside down.

Doris: Let's go "Famous Liberal Traitors" for $1,800, Alex.

Alex: Sorry, Doris. You must pick one of the categories on the board, and "Famous Liberal Traitors" isn't up there.

Doris: OK, Alex. Let's go back to "Which President Did It?" for $1,600. (ring-a-ding-a-ding!)

Alex: Congratulations. You've uncovered the second Daily Double. You are currently at minus $3,200, but you can risk...

Doris: I'll make it a true Daily Double, Alex.

Alex: I'm sorry, Doris. You can't make it a true Daily Double when you're in the hole. You can only wager up to $2,000.

Doris: OK, Alex. I'll wager the $2,000, plus the minus $3,200 I have, so my wager is $5,200.

Alex: No, that's not... uh... OK, our judges say they will allow it. Here is your question: The American Recovery and Reinvestment Act, which brought tax rates for 95 percent of working families to their lowest levels since 1950, was enacted by this president.

Doris: Who is Ronald Reagan.

Alex: Oh, I'm sorry. The answer is Barack Obama. Ba-rack Obama. And you're still in charge of the board, Doris.

Doris: OK Alex. Let's try "Executive Action" for $400.

Alex: This president has issued the lowest number of executive orders compared to any other two-term U.S. president since James Monroe. (buzz!) Leonard.

Leonard (representing the Concerned California Conservatives): What is Benghazi, Alex.

Alex: No. (buzz!) Doris.

Doris: Who is Ronald Reagan, Alex.

Alex: No (buzz!) Phil.

Phil: What is Ronald Reagan, Alex.

Alex: Wrong. The answer is Barack Obama. Ba-rack Obama. Doris, you're still in charge of the board.

Doris: Alex, I'd like "Muslims from Kenya Who Have Become President" for $800, please.

Alex: Doris, I remind you that you can't make up your own categories.

Doris: OK, then I will take "Which President Did It?" for $1,800, Alex.

Alex: This president has presided over more Americans having health insurance than any other in U.S. history. (buzz!) Leonard.

Leonard: What is Benghazi, Alex.

Alex: No. (buzz!) Doris.

Doris: Who is Ronald Reagan, Alex.

Alex: No. (buzz!) Phil.

Phil: What is Ronald Reagan, Alex.

Alex: No... no... no. And listen people, we have a problem. Our judges have just informed me that there is not enough money left on the board to get even one of you onto the plus side, which means there can be no Final Jeopardy. However, on a brighter note, Doris, with minus $10,600, has set a new Jeopardy record for the most losses by any contestant in the 30 years I have hosted this show. (buzz!) Leonard, that wasn't a question.

Leonard: Who is Barack Hussein Obama, Alex.

Alex: Oh, dear. I'm beginning to wonder why I ever left Canada. (buzz!) That's not a question either, Leonard.

Leonard: What is Barack Hussein Obama, Alex.

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