100 PERCENT CHANCE OF WEATHER IN OUR FUTURE
The Old Farmer's Almanac has joined the extremely small (but slowly growing) ranks of forecasters who believe that the Earth has stopped warming and we are heading for a few decades of global cooling. According to the 2009 edition of the longest-running periodical in the world (established 1792), not only are we in for a colder than usual winter, but increased global cooling for perhaps the next 50 years. "We at the Almanac are among those who believe that sunspot cycles and their effects on oceans correlate with climate changes," explained meteorologist and climatologist Joseph D'Aleo. "Studying these and other factors suggests that cold, not warm, climate may be our future." (USA Today)
WHAT'S WRONG WITH DYING OF NATURAL CAUSES?
You don't usually hear the words "extreme" and "unicycling" in the same sentence but that's all going to change now that some nut in Britain has decided to ride his unicycle down Mt. Everest in order to raise money for poor kids in Nepal. Extreme unicyclist Steve Colligan, 47, intends to set a new world record by crossing over 1,000 kilometers (600 miles) along five mountain passes in the Himalayas between Lhasa, Tibet and Kathmandu, Nepal. The trip will culminate with the world's longest downhill ride, a 4,600-meter plunge from the Everest Base Camp in Tibet. You can keep track of his progress and donate to his cause at unicyclesteve.com.
WE HAVE THE HUMANS RIGHT WHERE WE WANT THEM
Strange results from a survey of pet owners in the United States found that over two-thirds of Americans would rather be stranded on a desert island with their pet than with their husband or wife. The survey also found that over half of pet owners throw parties for their pets, nearly 70 percent share their bed with their pet, 63 percent cook for their pet and 68 percent dress their pets up. (Reuters)
NOT ALL MAD SCIENTISTS ARE EVIL, PART 1
According to the Mainichi Daily News, a Japanese scientist has developed what he calls "The Masturbation Diet"—a diet that is exactly what it sounds like. "Five minutes of vigorous masturbation can consume 300 calories, which is the equivalent of sprinting 300 meters," says Dr. Shukan Tokuho, adding that the experience can be so refreshing that it can replace a light meal, thereby saving even more calories. For even more benefit, Dr. Tokuho recommends sitting in a chair with your heels raised about 10 centimeters off the floor in order to put tension on the stomach muscles. He claims that this style of masturbation done twice a day for a month can trim about eight centimeters off a man's waist. The good doctor summed up his revolutionary diet with the phrase "shake for breakfast, shake for lunch and a sensible dinner."
NOT ALL MAD SCIENTISTS ARE EVIL, PART 2
After two decades of studying the flying skills of houseflies and fruit flies, Professor Michael Dickinson of the California Institute of Technology has revealed his secret for successfully swatting a fly. "It is best not to swat at the fly's starting position," he advises. "But rather to aim a bit forward of that to anticipate where the fly is going to jump when it first sees your swatter." Thanks for the hot tip, professor. (The Telegraph)
SURFIN' AND SINNIN'
An Israeli rabbi has responded to a sharp increase in the confessions of Internet-related sins by creating a prayer to help Jewish men overcome the guilt of their transgressions. Shlomo Eliahu says that the number of men who have come to him to confess Internet-related sins has increased so dramatically that he felt the need to create a prayer devoted solely to surfing sinners. "Please God, help me cleanse the computer of viruses and evil photographs which disturb and ruin my work ... so that I shall be able to cleanse myself (of sin)," reads the prayer. Eliahu says that reciting the prayer before logging on will help ease the guilt of surfing for Internet porn. He also recommends programming your computer so that the prayer will flash on the screen automatically in case you "unintentionally" enter a porn site. (Reuters)
INTERNET FACT OF THE WEEK
The chance of finding intelligent life on another planet over the next 4 billion years is 0.01 percent.
Get way more bizarro news at curioustimes.com.