(DRUNK) DRIVERS WANTED
Volvo has asked the Swedish government to waive their drunk driving laws so that their test drivers can get plastered and test new technology which will take control of your car's steering if you are too drunk or tired to drive safely. (ABC News)
SPAWN OF SATAN'S BIG BREAK
If you've ever thought that your kid is the Anti-Christ (and what parent hasn't), get your little monster down to audition for the part of Damien in the remake of the classic '70s horror flick The Omen. Twentieth Century Fox has planned a release date of June 6, 2006 (6/6/6, get it?) but is still searching for a 5-year-old with the right combination of angelic looks and demonic screen presence. The unique qualities necessary to play this role mean that casting is open even to children who have no acting experience whatsoever. "The role is wide open to all young mothers who want their sons as the sons of Satan," said John Moore, the casting agent who has been hired to find the right child. While the fame and glory might be a good draw, parents should be aware that the cast and crew of the original film were plagued by what has been called "The Curse of the Omen." Among the accidents to befall various members of that film was a car accident, an IRA bombing and a plane being struck by lighting. (ReligionNewsBlog.com)
YOU MIGHT ALREADY BE A PORN ZOMBIE!
In case you hadn't thought of it yet, the very best way to watch a lot of porn and not have anyone give you a hard time about it is to make it a part of your research project. Like Dr. Judith Reisman, a psychologist in Utah who is trying to prove that watching too much porn will rot your brain and turn you into a porn-zombie. The doctor claims that porn is an erotoxin which produces an addictive combination of drugs in your brain including testosterone, oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin. She goes on to claim that this mix of brain chemicals actually changes the structure of the brain and negatively damages your abilities of reason and speech. Not surprisingly, her research is being embraced by American conservatives and religious organizations who hope to raise over three million dollars in order to allow Reisman to watch as much porn as she can possibly handle in order to carry out her research. Part of her studies will include conducting MRI scans on people under the influence of porn. Hmm ... I wonder if she needs volunteers? (The Guardian)
THIS JUST IN: poor MEN GET LAID LESS THAN RAP STARS
Will the absolutely worthless scientific research ever end? For the sake of this column, I sure hope not. This week, we have science geeks from the University of Central Lancashire to thank for a massive study which came to the stunning conclusion that women are more attracted to men with lots of cash. The research questioned almost 30,000 people in 170 countries to find out a bunch of stuff we already know. For example, the researchers concluded that the more money a man has, the more opportunities he will have for sex. On the other hand, men who are broke meet less women and have less sex. Not surprisingly, the study also concluded that money won't help a woman get laid because all men care about is her looks.
WHAT THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW
Disinformation Press has published a cool little book called 50 Things You're Not Supposed to Know. So if the summer heat has melted your brain and you need a kick start to fire up your neurons, check out this two volume set and restock your arsenal of party conversation starters with these highly debatable facts. Did you know: Hitler's blood relatives are living in the U.S.; the CIA commits over 100,000 serious crimes per year; the U.S. planned to explode an atomic bomb on the moon; one of the popes wrote an erotic book; the government can take your house and land, then sell them to private corporations. Get the details at www.disinformation.com.
RIPPING OFF MY BOSS MAKES ME HORNY
And then there are the scams that haven't quite been perfected yet. Like this one from a German man who was convicted last week after making phone sex calls from his company phone and splitting the profits with the woman working on the other end of the line. The man had made over 160 calls in the last six months for a total of about $20,000 charged to his company before the ill-conceived plan was discovered. (Reuters)