December 15, 2004 

GET YOUR HO HO HO'S FOR CHRISTMAS

If you're looking for a new place to work you might want to pack your bags and head down under. A story from the Queensland Sunday Mail reports that many Australian bosses are giving out free sex as a Christmas bonus. According to this story, the brothels in Queensland are gearing up for their busiest time of year as many workplaces are giving out gift certificates for such X-mas fun as going to strip clubs, getting a lap dance and even visiting a whorehouse. This practice has been gaining popularity in recent years as the tax laws in Australia allow companies to claim a tax deduction on all Christmas bonuses, and these unique gifts seem to boost morale quite significantly. Of course, not everyone is pleased with the trend. The Australian Families Association calls it "a further promotion of sleaze," adding that "it falls below basic community standards."

IT'S ALWAYS THE JOLLY ONES WHO ARE THE NASTIEST DRUNKS

The world's largest gathering of Santa Clauses ended the way most Christmas celebrations at my parent's house used to end -- with a mass drunken brawl. In the town of Newtown, Wales, 4,200 people dressed up as Santa Claus had come for a day of fun in order to raise money for charity. But as the day drew to a close, a number of Santas headed to the local pub and proceeded to hit the bottles. The conversations began to get a bit heated and finally the police were called in to break up a brawl of over 30 drunk guys dressed up as Santa Claus. Fun! (sky.com)

NO WONDER I'M BROKE ALL THE TIME

An economist from the University of Texas has released extensive research from the United States, Canada, and China, which he claims proves conclusively that beautiful people earn more money than the rest of us. His studies suggest that people in the top 30 per cent in the looks department earn between three and five per cent more than those in the middle 60 per cent. People in the bottom ten per cent do even worse. Those described as "pretty ugly" earn up to ten per cent less than average.

TAKE IT OUT ON THE FREEWAY AND I'LL BE IMPRESSED

Seems like almost every week I try to encourage those of you who have never accomplished anything to go out there and break one of the increasingly lame world records padding out the record books. This week is no different, as R.S. Santhosh Kumar of India has finally been rewarded for five years of practicing how to drive without using his hands. How hard can that possibly be? Last week Kumar had his hands tied behind his back and proceeded to drive 375 miles using only his legs to operate the brake, clutch and steering wheel. Kumar averaged a speed of 25 mph, taking 15 hours to complete the task. (Vijay Times)

TOO MUCH INFORMATION

"Actor" Jean Claude van Damme, trying to assure other weightlifters that working out too heavily will not affect your sex life, bragged that he is a "superhero" when it comes to pleasing his wife. "It's not true that the potency of a man decreases if he has a tough physical training regime every day," said van Damme, "I can tell you that from my own experiences. When I get back home every day I am my wife's superhero in bed." (Ananova)

DON'T LEAVE EARTH WITHOUT IT

If you're worried about being abducted by aliens and not getting anything more for your troubles than a sore ass, this might be for you. Alien Abduction Insurance is now available at www.ufo2001.com, which will pay you for your troubles if the little grey bastards get you. As with all insurance policies, there's a catch: in order to get paid out, you'll need the signature of an "Authorized Onboard Alien".

TIME TO BUY A NEW WATCH

Scientists from the National Institute for Standards and Technology have created the first atomic wristwatch. The time-keeping device is only about the size of a sugar cube, but keeps time accurately within about one second every 300 years, about 1,000 times more accurate than standard wristwatches. The first batch will cost about $100, but the price will come down quickly as consumer demand increases. (CNN)

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