FOR THE CAT HATER WHO HAS EVERYTHING • A CONDOM FOR YOUR BRAIN 

FOR THE CAT HATER WHO HAS EVERYTHING

From the warped minds at BonsaiKitten.com comes the perfect gift for this holiday season--Bonsai Kitten Christmas Ornaments. Created using the same heartless process as the original (stuffing a kitten in a glass jar and letting it grow into the shape of that jar), the Bonsai Kitten Christmas Ornament consists simply of a kitty stuffed inside a round ball of glass. "Notice the splendid use of the tail to form a hanger," boasts the website, adding that "kids love to watch em blink when they poke at them." You can order these goodies for $14.95, or simply make your own with the helpful instructions at www.bonsaikitten.com/gray.html. And before you animal lovers get as bent out of shape as these kittens, realize that this website (and the original) is in fact simply a tasteless joke.

DON'T DO DRUGS, KIDS, UNLESS YOU GET A FEW HUNDRED BUCKS FOR DOING SO

A few weeks ago we learned about a plan from the Environmental Protection Agency to test the toxicity of chemicals on children in exchange for $970 and some lovely parting gifts. This week it's the Food and Drug Administration and the National Institute of Mental Health dropping one rung closer to Hell with a new research proposal which plans to give brain-altering chemicals to healthy children as young as nine years old in order to "better understand how healthy brains work differently from those of children diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)." In order to carry out their tests, the diabolical scheme plans to give 56 healthy 9 to 18-year-old kids a 10 mg dose of dextroamphetamine (the active ingredient in most anti-ADHD drugs) followed by an MRI brain scan. In exchange for this procedure, the families of the children will receive the whopping sum of $570. (MSNBC)

CREATING CHILDHOOD MEMORIES THAT WILL LAST FOREVER

When you think of a kite festival doesn't an image of smiling children playing happily on a beautiful day with fluffy clouds floating through the clear blue sky pop into your mind? Yeah, well don't ever visit the kite festival in Lahore, Pakistan. This year's annual festival has killed seven people so far and over 100 more have been injured thanks to a mixture of grisly accidents and human stupidity. The roundup of depressing deaths include: an 18-month-old girl whose throat was slit by a stray kite string while she was riding with her parents on a motorcycle; a 12-year-old boy who was hit by a car while trying to catch his stray kite; two people who fell from roofs while trying to retrieve lost kites; and three people who were electrocuted by metal wires falling on live electricity wires. Along with the deaths, 42 children and 60 adults were treated for various injuries, including a child who was hit by a stray bullet fired randomly into the air in order to "celebrate" the festivities. (Agence France-Presse)

FINALLY, YOUR PARANOIA MIGHT PAY OFF

A multimillionaire who has spent over $3 million promoting the idea that the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, 2001 were an inside job by the U.S. government is now offering a $100,000 reward to any engineering student who can prove that the World Trade Center towers were destroyed solely due to the planes crashing into them. "Of course, we expect no winners," said Jimmy Walter, 57, who believes that explosives must have been planted inside the buildings in order for them to implode so precisely and thoroughly. Walter has the support of many engineers who insist that the two enormous buildings should have easily absorbed the impact of the airplanes and been left standing. Next month Walters will expand his challenge when he begins seeking alternative theories from students about how the twin towers could have collapsed. That contest will award a $10,000 top prize and 100 runner-up awards of $1,000 each. "I am a patriot fighting the real traitors who are destroying our democracy," said Walters, "I resent it when they call me delusional." (Reuters)

A CONDOM FOR YOUR BRAIN

Head on over to the Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie (AFDB) website, for detailed instructions on how to build an aluminum foil beanie in order to protect your brain from "electromagnetic psychotronic mind-control carriers". If you've ever worried about having your mind controlled by sinister forces with the technology to implant crazed thoughts into your brain, you need to protect yourself with one of these. They also block most forms of brain scanning and mind reading, "keeping the secrets in your head truly secret." (zapatopi.net/afdb.html)

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