Fore Tales, '14 

Nostril Bill tells it like it isn't... yet

You will recall I adopt the alias "Nostril Bill" for those times I am in the mood to make predictions. The name came to me after listening to a schnockered tenor saxophone player at a New Year's party years ago. This silly sax man insisted on telling everyone present about some prophesies he'd recently read from the16th century seer Nostradamus, who he drunkenly and repeatedly mispronounced Nostril-damus. And if you're waiting for me to explain why I thought that calling myself "Nostril Bill" was a good idea, I predict that you have a long, long wait before you.

Nostril Bill also predicts:

• During its spring fund-raising drive, Idaho Public Television will air six nights of nonstop Irish dancing, followed on the seventh night by a special Frontline documentary that examines the career of one Seamus O'Mickally, who has dedicated his life to figuring out something Irish dancers might do with their arms.

• Also on television, no less than three new crime drama series will be aired that will be variations on the Sherlock Holmes theme. The Game's Afoot features a woman super-detective--Shirley Holmes--whose Watson figure is a befuddled ex-husband who still loves her, in spite of her addiction to Coke Classic.

In Shor-Loc Homey, a wise-cracking sidekick, J-Watt, will narrate the weekly struggles of the title character, a street-smart East L.A. private investigator and his encounters with those evil crime lords, the twins Maury and Artie Reichenbach.

And finally, in CSI: Baker Street, Robert Downey Jr. will come to the small screen as a quirky, kung-fu-fighting Holmes who, in episode after episode, prowls the London underground, searching for the villains who blew his beloved Irene to pieces with a horse-drawn buggy bomb.

• Regis Philbin, Larry King and Betty White come together in a new ABC sitcom, Whose Teeth Are These?

• In December, Bill O'Reilly, Megyn Kelly and Gretchen Carlson will host a holiday special, Just Look What They're Doing to the Reason for Our Season!--essentially, a two-hour hissy fit that proves once again that Christmas is for children.

• New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie will release an autobiography, Dreams From My Momma's Cooking.

• More in the world of publishing: Hillary Clinton will finish another book, this one entitled It Still Takes a Village, Only Don't You Think It Would Be Awesome if a Woman Were Running Things for A While?

• As Sen. Ted Cruz is leaving the Capitol building after yet another marathon filibuster--this time, to save America from the evils of funding the Centers for Disease Control--a car will backfire and the Senator will mistake the sound for a rifle shot. Reflexively, he will scoop up a small child and hold the toddler before him like a shield. It turns out to be the one time in Cruz's entire career he will wish he weren't surrounded by cameras.

• In a related prediction, Stephen King will issue a statement saying, "Hey, I just write 'em. I don't make 'em happen."

• Miley Cyrus will announce an international tour: the Naked, Naughty and Nubile Tour. The itinerary will blanket the Middle East, starting with two performances in Saudi Arabia (Medina and Mecca), Egypt, Yemen, Turkey, Iran, Afghanistan and ending in the tribal territories of Pakistan. Rumors circulate that the closing song of her act will be the yet-to-be-released "Twerking with the Prophet."

The announcement of this tour will prompt the formation of an unusual coalition of concerned parents, Christian evangelicals, Beyonce and music critics from around the globe, who together contribute all the money needed to finance her trip.

• Vladimir Putin will attend the season's opening night of the Kirov Ballet, shirtless. The question as to why he would go to such an event bare-chested will never be satisfactorily answered, though many suspect it may have something to do with Putin's continuing efforts to prove that there isn't a homosexual bone in his body.

• The American Alliance of Climate Change Deniers Political Action Committee (AACCD-PAC) will schedule their convention for August in Key West, Fla., just to show how unconcerned they are that global warming could possibly have any relevance to them. When the entire Key West Convention Center is swept out to sea during the most powerful hurricane ever recorded, one of the few survivors will declare, "It's a sure sign that God hates gays."

• Speaking of conventions, Kim Kardashian will make a surprise appearance, wearing a stunning Bob Mackie gown that miraculously manages to display top-boob, side-boob and bottom boob all while keeping nip-boob well away from the inquisitive cameras at the annual Tell Us Again Why We're Paying Attention To Kim Kardashian? Convention in Indianapolis.

Once Nostril Bill gets to predicting, it's hard to stop. However, he did not foresee how quickly he would run out of column inches. Hence, he has had to relocate about half of his prognostications over to his blog, Mr. Cope's Cave on boiseweekly.com.

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