HE FORGOT TO SUBTRACT H FOR HAIRINESS AND Z FOR NUMBER OF ZITS ON YOUR ASS • IF I'VE SAID IT ONCE I'VE SAID IT A MILLION TIMES—DON'T HIDE MONEY IN THE GARBAGE • BEING USELESS HAS ITS BENEFITS • NOT GUILTY 

HE FORGOT TO SUBTRACT H FOR HAIRINESS AND Z FOR NUMBER OF ZITS ON YOUR ASS

And now, from the "Scientists Who Have Too Much Time on Their Hands" department comes news out of Britain that a psychology professor at Manchester Metropolitan University has devised a mathematical formula designed to rate the perfection of your ass. After researching the booty of 2,000 British women, Dr. David Holmes devised the formula (S+C) x (B+F)/T = V, where S is the overall shape of the ass, C represents how spherical the buttcheeks are, B measures muscular wobble or bounce, F measures firmness, V is the hip to waist ratio, and T equals the skin texture and presence of cellulite. In conclusion, Dr. Holmes felt it necessary to tell reporters that "The perfect female derriere has firmness to the touch and a resilience that prevents undue wobble or bounce, yet looks soft with flawless skin." (Sunday Times)

IF I'VE SAID IT ONCE I'VE SAID IT A MILLION TIMES—DON'T HIDE MONEY IN THE GARBAGE

An exceptionally lucky man in Japan had 5 million yen ($42,210) returned to him last week after his wife threw the money away because he had hidden it in a garbage can. (Insert the modern equivalent of "Duh!" here). After his pleas to police, the money was found in a local landfill and returned to him. (Reuters)

BEING USELESS HAS ITS BENEFITS

According to The Onion, last week the planet Earth narrowly missed being invaded by 200,000 hostile aliens when the creatures decided our planet wasn't worth the effort. "A planet scan indicates that its resources will be tapped by 2015, its most intelligent life form cannot fly and it possesses no significant deposits of Tangium," said Supreme Commander Kasha Ak-Bej, the nine-foot serpentine leader of the invasion. "Not to mention that their fleshy exoskeleton would make earthlings unfit slaves for mining Zgyxa's molten core."

NOT GUILTY BY REASON OF THE JUDGE'S INSANITY

A judge in the Philippines has been relieved of his duties thanks to his insistence that he possesses psychic powers and can see the future. OK, that doesn't sound so bad, but Judge Florentino Floro, who presides over a suburban court in Manila, also begins each session with a reading from the Bible's Book of Revelation and claims to have made a covenant with "dwarf friends" who help him reach his decisions. "His mental problems for now appear to render him unfit with the delicate task of dispensing justice," understated the Supreme Court ruling. (Int.iol.co.za)

WALKING ACROSS THE CONTINENT IS JUST ANOTHER DIET FAD

Check out the progress of Gary Long, an exceedingly fat man from Missouri who decided to walk across the country in order to shed some pounds. Long is now about 200 miles from home, averaging about 10 miles of walking a day, and so far has lost 20 pounds from his 360 pound frame. Along with losing the weight Long has also discovered the unexpected benefit of serenity. "I watch the cows stop to watch me. I see birds fighting. I listen to the creeks," he said. "We spend so much time thinking about the next appointment, the next paycheck, the next oil change. This is refreshing to my soul." Long's Web site is at AFatMansJourney.com.

SOMETHING FOR NOTHING

Time for another update from Kyle MacDonald, the man who started with one red paper clip and has been trading up for better and better things with the goal of eventually nabbing himself a new house. The last time we checked in, Kyle was in the possession of an all-expenses paid trip to Yahk, British Columbia, which he managed to trade for a one-ton cube van, which led to a recording contract, which has now fetched an entire year of rent-free living in Phoenix, Arizona. The deal also includes round-trip airfare to Phoenix from anywhere in North America. Make your offer at OneRedPaperClip.com.

UGLY IS IN THE EYE OF THE VOTER

Now that Sam the World's Ugliest Dog is dead, it's time to vote for a new champion. Check out the hideous contenders and vote at Sonoma-MarinFair.org/uglydogvote.shtml

Get waaay more bizarro news at www.curioustimes.com.

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