July 14 2004 

RED SEDAN OR RED RIFLE?

Boise Police received a disturbing report on the afternoon of July 8: Boise's pedestrian youth are under attack from air-rifle snipers. At 2:55 p.m., officers were told by a 16-year-old boy that he had been pedaling his bicycle harmlessly near Ustick Road when he heard someone call out a derogatory name. When he turned toward a nearby red sedan, the boy was callously shot in the eye by a BB gun.

Due to the presence of an actual BB in the boy's eye, officers had no reason not to believe his story. However, after a painful night's sleep, the boy changed his story slightly: He admitted to making it up. The sedan, the derogatory name and perhaps even the bike ride were invented, but the BB is all too real--and the reason for its presence remains a mystery. Officers are offering explanations involving both intentional and accidental shootings, but Boise Weekly surmises that this is yet another tragedy inspired by the 1983 comedy

A Christmas Story.

Remember, kids: You'll shoot your eye out.

UNSAFE SEX REDEFINED

A New Jersey couple was seriously injured when the speeding car in which they were having sex inexplicably crashed into a telephone pole. Cops arriving at the accident scene on the night of July 8 found driver Carl Nunez, 18, unconscious, naked from the waist down and not wearing his seat belt. He was surrounded by the remnants of two Corona bottles, a bent steering wheel and a bloody dent in the windshield of his Mitsubishi Mirage where his passenger Nicole Dougherty's head had struck it. According to the arrest report, a witness driving behind Nunez told officers that he saw "a white female who appeared to be naked climb on top of the driver and move as if they were having sex." The vehicle, which was moving "at a high rate of speed," veered off of the highway and struck a mailbox before finally resting blissfully against the telephone pole. Nunez was cited for driving without protection--insurance, that is--although many additional charges should soon result.

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