July 21 2004 

BEYOND FAHRENHEIT 9/11

If you've seen Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11 and are itching to delve a little deeper into the world of paranoia and conspiracy, a great place to go next is Alex Jones' InfoWars.com where you can download Jones' film 9/11: Road to Tyranny. This film was made almost immediately after September 11, 2001, and includes almost all of the facts Moore used for his film, but looks at these facts through a far more sinister lens. Whereas Moore claims that those in power let the terrorist events happen for their own profit, Jones contends that the power elite purposefully organized the terrorist attacks in order to create a political climate that will ultimately lead to a mind-controlled global police state. The Web site has this to say: "The Road to Tyranny exposes how the CIA trained, funded and protected bin Laden; how the bloodthirsty globalists are using the terrorist attacks to scare the population into accepting high-tech slavery and a new world order police state; why the government needed a crisis to convince the people to willingly give up their liberty in exchange for safety." After you see this film you'll want to watch F 9/11 again for some comic relief.

ELECTION HEIST II

Speaking of paranoid conspiracy theories, is it possible that Bush and his nasty sidekicks have plans to "postpone" the coming election rather than face the possibility of being cast out of the White House? CNN reports that Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge has asked the U.S. Justice Department to lay out the legal steps necessary to delay the November elections in case of a terrorist attack near the day of election. Despite having no specific or credible information, Ridge claims that al-Qaeda is planning an attack within the United States specifically to "disrupt the democratic process." Most ominously, Ridge has hinted that the "threat" of terrorist activity, and not "actual" terrorist activity, might be enough to delay the voting.

BANGKOK, SLICEKOK, FLUSHKOK DOWN THE TOILET

According to a Bangkok surgeon who now specializes in penis reattachment surgery, the Kingdom of Thailand leads the world in the crime of slicing of a man's most precious possession. Dr. Surasak Muangsombot began his strange career path in 1978 when he performed his first penis reattachment surgery. Since then, he has discovered that penis hacking is a notoriously Thai form of violence. While Australia has witnessed just one case of penis dismemberment in the past 25 years, and only two cases in the ultra-violent United States, this single Thai surgeon has operated on 33 cases and many more have been reported. "Some years there are three or five and then it goes quiet. It goes in and out of fashion but sometimes its like an epidemic," says Muangsombot, "they boil them, feed them to ducks, flush them down the toilet, bury them and have even tied them to hot air balloons and let them float away." Doctors blame the nasty trend on Thailand's tradition of polygamy, which, despite being banned around 100 years still sees many Thai men keeping "secret wives." And the fact that the phallus is revered as a symbol of power and fertility explains why that particular body part is being attacked. One Thai doctor warns men who have mistresses that their little pal could be a goner at anytime, so they should always "carry a thermos to put it in and keep the name of a good doctor close by." (iol.co.ca)

DRUNK AND STUPID, PART I

A British man who accidentally shot himself in the nuts has been charged with possession of an illegal firearm and will spend the next five years in jail. David Walker, 28, had just polished off 15 pints of beer and was arguing with a friend at an English pub. Frustrated with the way the argument was going, Walker stormed off to get his sawed-off shotgun, which he jammed into his trousers. As he walked back into the bar the weapon accidentally discharged, blasting pellets into his testicles and forcing emergency surgery to remove what little bits remained. After that horrible turn of events, Walker was escorted out of the hospital by the police and now faces five years in jail. (Reuters)

DRUNK AND STUPID, PART II

The next time you drive through your neighborhood throwing fireworks at unsuspecting victims (and I know you were planning to), you might want to learn a lesson from a pinhead in Utah who forgot to roll down his window before chucking a large mortar rocket. Adam Weber, 24, is now in the hospital with third degree burns after unsuccessfully tossing the firework through an unopened window and having it bounce back and explode in his lap. As usual, police report that alcohol was a factor in this stunt gone awry. (tv.ksl.com) :

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