March 1, 2006 

SURPRISE! BIG BREASTS AND HARD NIPPLES WON'T MAKE YOU HAPPY

A study from Dutch and Swedish scientists suggests that women who have breast augmentation surgery done for cosmetic reasons are three times as likely to commit suicide than the general population. The researchers believe the problem stems from issues of low self-esteem and poor body image in women who have breast implants and suggested that surgeons should evaluate women for psychological problems before carrying out any such surgery. "If women have a psychological problem and they are given breast implants they will still have the problem," concluded the researchers. In similar yet totally different news, the new rage in cosmetic surgery is nipple enlargement, done with injections of collagen or cartilage taken from the patient's ear. Nipple surgeon Dr. Bruce Nadler says that most people do it for that "teasing look" of erect nipples, while others—mostly men—have nipple fetishes and want their nipples to be the "biggest, most desirable nipples possible." No word on how many men kill themselves after discovering their super nipples don't make them feel good about themselves. (Reuters Health)

ONE COKE, HOLD THE BACTERIA

A 7th-grade student in Florida has discovered that the ice in fast food restaurants is swarming with more bacteria than the water in the toilet bowl. Jasmine Roberts, 12, decided to tackle her hypothesis for her school's science project competition. Roberts went to five fast food joints near her school, asked for cups of ice at the counter and at the drive-thru window, then bravely went into the toilet stalls, flushed once, and used a sterile beaker to capture a sample of toilet bowl water for comparison. "I found that 70 percent of the time, the ice from the fast food restaurant's contain more bacteria than the fast food restaurant's toilet water," concluded her research. (WTSP TV)

YOUR ASS IS TALKING TO ME

I'm always impressed when someone comes up with an entirely original scam to part the suckers from their hard-earned cash. So kudos to 39-year-old Ulf Buck, a blind German psychic, who claims to be able to see your future by reading the lines on your ass, which, he claims, are much more reliable than the lines in your palm. "The bottom is much more intense," he explains, "it has a much stronger sense of expression than the hand in my experience." (National Post)

UNIDENTIFIED FLYING IMPERIALISTS

An astronomer in Britain, Dr. Richard Hall warns that contact with aliens could prove extremely dangerous for humans, as primitive civilizations (that would be us) that meet with more highly advanced technological civilizations are usually wiped out. In classic British understatement, Hall remarked that attempts to contact civilizations in outer space could prove "horribly counter-productive." (stuff.co.nz)

NEXT ... ADS IN THE CRACKS OF SIDEWALKS

Proving that not a single square inch of the urban landscape is safe from the stupid advertising ploys of marketers comes the news that a company called Parking Stripe Advertising is now placing ads along the white stripes between stalls in a parking lot. "Over 60 percent of all purchases are impulse in nature, and so if you can garner that last chance to communicate your message, you're going to be a heck of a lot better off," claims company founder Greg Gorman. The idea was launched in the parking lots of ten Austin, Texas Home Depots, and has since caught on with grocery stores, mall, airports and even schools across the United States. (Associated Press)

SCREW THE RAIN FORESTS

A physicist from Columbia University has invented an artificial tree that is designed to do the job of real trees, drawing carbon dioxide out of the air in order to help clean up the Earth's atmosphere. Dr. Klaus Lackner says that the tree doesn't look like a real tree—more like a goal post with Venetian blinds—but a single synthetic tree could remove 90,000 tons of carbon dioxide each year, the equivalent of 15,000 cars, and about a thousand times more than a living tree can remove. He estimates that about 250,000 synthetic trees would need to be "planted" worldwide in order to soak up the 22 billion tons of carbon dioxide produced annually. (BBC)

Get more news at www.curioustimes.com.

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