May 5—May 9 

May 5

1900 block of N. Coolwater-Binoculars are stolen from a parked car. The best part about stealing binoculars: Later, you can watch the victims looking around for their binoculars. You know ... from a distance.

1000 BLOCK OF S. HOUSTON-A Kenwood CD player, boom box and drill are stolen from a vehicle. If thief plans to operate all those items at the same time, it will make quite a racket. Yessiree, Bob.

Near the intersection of W. Franklin and S. Orchard-An Xbox and a Sky flute are stolen from a vehicle. Nice score on the Xbox, but good luck reselling that flute, buddy. "Sky" flutes are the bottom of the barrel. One of the worst brands on the market. You're going to be pretty sorry when you take that baby over to the pawnshop.

May 6

9600 block of W. Fairview-Upon entering a victim's car, a thief makes a quick decision. "I'll take... these bucket seats," the thief proclaims. "Both the driver's and the passenger's. Now, I'll grab this gearshift, too. See ya later, suckers!"

600 block of S. 13th St-A thief steals a car's license plates. Lady, there are easier way to get rid of your boyfriend's ELIMN8R license plates.

May 7

7300 block of Old Quarry Way-From an unlocked home, a thief steals Ping golf clubs, a Ping golf bag, and a Cobra Driver. The cop who reported the theft must have been a golfer. Only a golfer would see the significance of putting the brand of the driver on the police blotter.

1200 block of N. 8th St- A thief wants to enhance his Solitaire experience; steals a laptop and a Rockford Phosgate amplifier.

May 8

11900 block of W. Hickory Lane-A day planner and clipboard are stolen from an unlocked vehicle. White-collar crime is just so boring!

5300 Crestview Ave-Police are on the lookout for the dangerous knave who broke into a car in order to steal a student ID. Repeat: A student ID. Suspect is presumed to be talking on a cell phone, stolen from the same vehicle.

4300 block of Camas-A thief decides to irritate the crap out of some truckers; steals a two-way radio and a CD player.

May 9

9500 block of Creed-A thief breaks into a house, and comes out with nothing better than a Zippo lighter and a telephone headset. Thief is presumed to have said, "Aw, crap!"

5100 block of Wiley Lane-A truck trailer is entered and snowmobile gear is stolen. Victims won't notice until next winter, at which point they'll say, "Well, looks like somebody stole our snowmobile gear. Guess we'd better go home, kids."

100 block of E. Curling Dr-A thief breaks into two cars, but only steals the sunglasses out of one. Given current fashions, it makes sense the thief would need to break into two cars to find a pair of sunglasses worth stealing.

1900 block of N. 20th-A thief breaks into two cars, but only steals a cell phone from one of them. Think the sunglasses joke, now substitute the words "cell phone" for sunglasses.

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