Yoo-hoo! Sen. Crapo, yoo-hoo. Over here. You too, Risch. Got a minute? I wanted to ask you something. It's about the deal President Obama and his people made with Iran. Remember that? The nuclear arms control deal? Remember?
Oh, I know you guys are awfully busy these days, you and all the other hot-shot Republicans. Must be frustrating as hell trying to keep your good ol' GOP from sinking into a steaming, stinking lake of your own sewage, huh?
Believe it or not, there have been some things going on in the world other than the total disintegration of your demented political machine, and I think the elections in Iran last Friday are certainly worth mentioning, don't you? Or did you even hear about that above the shrieks and squeals of the Republican Party dying like a hog in a slaughter house?
However, I would think you two would be somewhat interested in the results of that Iranian election, given the intensity of bitterness and bile with which you and every last one of the other Republican congress members puked up in your efforts to stop the president from closing the deal.
Your failed efforts, I might add.
Pshew, did he make you guys look like monkeys, huh? I'm guessing that when they write the history books on the Obama administration, the finesse he demonstrated in scoring that deal in spite of your mindless, seditious shenanigans will get a chapter all by itself.
And let me tell you, Crapo... Risch... hey! how's 'bout I call you "Sen. Crischpo," since either one of you might as well be the other—in case you haven't figured it out for yourselves, that election last week is just another thick coating of egg on your faces. (I mean the one in Iran , but now that I think about it, the election on Super Tuesday was pretty much egg on your face, too.)
But seriously, first Iran complies with the conditions of the agreement beyond all expectations and against all of the dire, meaningless predictions your side slopped around. And now, the whole Iranian government has shifted away from the hardliners. You know who I mean. The assholes over there who, like you assholes over here, were against any deal whatsoever.
Yes sirs, the moderates prevailed. Obama's Iranian counterpart in making this deal work, President Hassan Rouhani, has gained seats in their parliament, the Iranian people have shown they are for the deal and lifting the sanctions worked. Intelligent diplomacy has accomplished what 40 years of ignorant bluster from every Republican since Reagan couldn't. The Iranian moderates have prevailed, and the conservatives—Iranian and American—have failed.
Now, I wouldn't expect either one of you to have the integrity, or the balls, to admit the president has pulled off a dazzling diplomatic coup. And I'm relatively certain neither of you can even comprehend that Obama and Secretary of State John Kerry had foreseen the collateral effects of the deal, long before you and your buddies in the Mitch McConnell Suckup Club were signing that traitorous letter to the Iranians promising to mess up anything Obama accomplished. Even as squalid and puny as your collective behavior has been—going back to Obama's first day in office, actually—I have to wonder if it hasn't crossed your minds that perhaps... just maybe... this behavior is precisely why your steaming, stinking, sinking party has degenerated into such a state of advanced decay.
I mean really, even exalted senators can act like little shits only so long without being thought of as nothing more than little shits.
Oh, and if you're still holding out hope that, after Obama leaves office, something will come up that would enable you to sabotage the deal?... give it up, chumps. I'm confident President Hillary Clinton will be well prepared for any future challenges your abysmal puniness might present the nation.
And one more thing, boys: How's it feel to lose so utterly to a gentleman you are so sure you're better than?