They had me at the sign: "We have Ninja Suits."
I could have used one of these in first grade when I would "meditate" on the playground and let the other kids hit me with "swords" for a few minutes before hopping to my feet and disarming them one by one. Mr. Miyagi was a god. If there had been Netflix, I would have had American Ninja 1 through whatever on constant rotation.
But these Ninja Suits, from Airblaster, serve a different god: the god of gnarly white pow pow.
"It's the ultimate base layer for ultimate kick assery," said Nate Alseth, the dude who sells the $110 underwear at the Boardroom.
The seven-panel ergonomic hood, full-front chest zip, four-way stretch air tech wicking fabric, thumb loops and--get this--"rear slash zip for easy #2 bathroom access" make me want to do jump kicks on the gunwales of a canoe.
But the packaging--it comes in a giant Pee-wee Herman-sized Chinese food to-go container--makes me want to do one-armed pushups on the back of a crouching tiger.
And if that's not enough for you, the Boardroom will now appear in the martial arts section in your local yellow pages.