October 27 2004 

FOOTBALL GAME DETERMINES PRESIDENT

If you don't want to wait until November 2 (or longer) to find out who will be president for the next four years, simply watch the football game between the Washington Redskins and the Green Bay Packers on Sunday, Oct. 31. It turns out that the final Redskins home game before a presidential election has accurately predicted the winner of every single one of the last 17 elections. Ever since 1936, when the team was first called the Redskins, a home team win has meant that the incumbent party would win the election, while a loss has invariably been followed by a change in American leadership. So if you want to make some easy money, all you need to do is watch the game on Oct. 31. If Washington wins, find someone who will take your bet that Bush will win the election, and if Green Bay wins, put your money on Kerry. (snopes.com)

THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR

Some bored guy who decided to put his friendship up for sale on eBay has learned the first harsh lesson of true friends--they don't usually pay back the money they owe you. Stuart Donald, 23, put his friendship up for auction on eBay, promising to be the best friend of the winning bidder for one month. The deal was to include sending his new best friend two e-mails a week, two handwritten messages, and an unspecified number of text messages. The winning bidder offered over $1,200, but since the auction ended Donald has not been able to contact the winning bidder or receive his cash. Good luck! (sky.com)

FINE ART OF PENIS READING

You've definitely heard of palm reading to reveal your future, and you may have heard of face reading, but I'll bet you haven't heard of the ancient art of phallomancy, the divination technique that unveils your personality by analyzing your penis. Whether your flaccid penis is short, long, thick, thin, smooth, bumpy or curved will all tell the penis-reader about you. For example, a long penis indicates an extroverted and inventive lover, while the owner of a short penis always delivers on his promises. Thickness reveals strong imagination, bumps on the penis make a man challenging and unpredictable, and a sharp bend in the penis reveals a lecherous personality. Other telltale signs include whether the penis has a pointed, blunt, or wide tip (wide tips indicate strong sex drive) and whether there are any moles on the penis (a prediction of many children). Finally, even the amount of pubic hair reveals something about your personality, with a heavy bush indicating a strong, competitive demeanor. Check out serenapowers.com for the full explanation of what your penis can reveal about you and your future.

ADD ONE MORE CHARGE FOR STUPIDITY

A couple of strange tales from prisons this week. First off, a 20-year-old man being held in jail while awaiting his trial for forgery tried to scam his way out by forging documents for his release. After painstakingly creating the fake court order complete with a forged signature of his judge, the plan fell apart when he passed the documents on to his friend on the outside who was supposed to fax the documents to his lawyer. Instead, his pal accidentally forwarded to papers to the prison's fax number, thereby adding yet another felony to the prisoner's record. Meanwhile, in Omaha, the mother of a 35-year-old prisoner was arrested while visiting her son after being asked to empty her pockets and pulling out two baggies--one filled with cocaine and the other filled with methamphetamine. (wftv.com/omaha.com)

Want A NEW CAREER?

One of your secret dreams has probably always been to become an ordained minister, no? Well, thanks to the Internet, you can now become a minister in under three minutes at www.ulc.org. The Universal Life Church has ordained over 20 million ministers worldwide since 1959, they claim, and promise their scam is 100 percent legal and free for life. "We accept everyone from all faiths, beliefs and religions," the website boasts, "after your instant ordination, proceed to print your instant full color ordination credential ... all within three minutes."

STRANGE ALIBIS

After being arrested for setting fire to her apartment complex, Marie Adeline Calkins, 63, told police that she did it because "she was depressed and upset that her kitty litter box was full and smelled." She now faces a charge of first-degree arson. Luckily, nobody was injured in the blaze, and her cat was rescued from the burning apartment without serious injuries. (Peninsula Daily News) :

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