State of the Urine Address 

Dr. Rayburn,

I see you're an Idaho'er. You guys there have really stuck with me and I 'preciate your great state, plus I'm also a big fan of corn. We eat it all the time. Right now, I'm talking into this dictatin' machine because I don't write real fast, and I'll have Condi type this up whenever she gets back from one of those Koreas. Actually, I never heard of you before, but your name showed up in that big stack of watchlists on my desk, so you must've made a joke about my 'ministration. Whatever you wrote, I didn't see it, prolly 'cause I don't use the Internets much--except for the Google. It was Laura who saw your name when she was vacuuming the Oval Office. She said she recognized you from something you wrote about how clean a dog's mouth is. Thanks to you, I guess, I'm not allowed to feed Barney off the fork anymore. Now, she's making me send this letter because she's trying to convince me to take some stinking pill. Cheese and rice! She's worse than my mom. Between you and me, Laura's been extra snippy ever since the day I gave that German lady a backrub. Heh.

Anyway, the pill she's pushing on me is saw palmetto and it's made from the same prickly little shrub I have to dig up when I'm clearin' brush down in Crawford. BattleAxe Junior over there says it's good for my prostrate ... [unintelligible] ... what? Yeah, thanks Karl. My prosTATE. My bad. Laura says I need to take it twice a day 'cause I get outta bed too many times every night to pee. That's true, I do, but I'm pretty sure it's just the O'Douls. So, to get her off my back, I asked Scooter to prepare me a brief about them little pills. I figure if I'm lettin' him think I'm gonna pardon him, the least he can do is a little research for me in the prison library. Here, I'll read you what he sent:

"Saw palmetto extract is often used as a natural treatment for Benign Prostatic Hypertrophy (BPH), an enlargement of the prostate gland that affects half of all men over 50, and nearly all men closer to 80. It is not cancer, or even a precursor to cancer, but BPH causes symptoms that include an increase in nighttime urinary frequency and urgency. Because the urethra--the tube through which urine leaves the body--must pass directly through the gland itself, any enlargement of the prostate compresses the pathway and makes urinating difficult. Mr. President, if it helps, it's like what happens when you step on a garden hose."

I know that, I know all that! I'm not stupid. Does Libby think I'm an idiot? Well, he'll have to wipe off that little smirk soon as he finds out we told Chumley [transcription note: Alberto?] to send him off to Gitmo unless he promises not to write a book. That was Cheney's idea. Dick went nookular when he heard about Scooter's book deal. Heh, heh. Anyway, here's the rest of the brief:

"In the past, dozens of studies have indicated that saw palmetto is effective for mild to moderate BPH. However, looking at more severe cases, a very large and well designed 2006 investigation published in the New England Journal of Medicine found that saw palmetto extract didn't work any better than a placebo (that's a fake pill, Sir). Unfortunately, neither the conventional prescription drugs nor the surgery recommended for the condition are dependably effective, and both can interfere with sexual desire or function. Recent work done at the Walter Reed Army Medical Center has [this section redacted]. Regardless, in mild to moderate cases, saw palmetto supplements--along with regular exercise--may still be the best option."

Ya know I'm kinda stubborn, but I guess I'll swallow the darned things. I really don't want to take more prescriptions anyway, 'speshly if they interfere with my "little chief of staff." Laura's also got me working on that. I keep telling her "we're making progress," but even SHE'S not buying that anymore. Geez, I just HAD an exam to check all my plumbing down there and now I'm 'sposed to get a special prosTATE test. I finally said OK, since it looks like this one is computerized--it's some sorta DIGITAL exam. At least that doesn't sound so bad.

Dick, what's so dad-burned funny?

--Sincerely,

The Commander Guy

Dr. Ed Rabin is a chiropractor practicing at Life Chiropractic Center in Boise, and has been known to channel a number of public figures. Send questions to theantidote@edrabin.com (on the Web at www.edrabin.com).

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