Tidings from the Timid 

Answers for the anonymous

The hot shots down at Boise Weekly opted not to send me to either Athens or The Big Apple. Therefore, if you want to know what I think of the Olympics or the GOP convention, don't ask me. How the hell would I know? Ask the hot shots down at Boise Weekly since they're so smart!

So today, instead of addressing anything current, topical, of interest or importance, I'm using this opportunity to answer some mail, though it's not real mail in the usual sense where I know who's sending it. They are comments left on the BW Web site, and I didn't even know they were there until just a few days ago. See, I went to the archives to look up something I'd written a while back and discovered what amounts to an instant feedback feature. It's like a letters-to-the-editor page, only you don't have to sign your name or in any way own up to your opinions. Like I do.

But just because these people are too shy to John Hancock their comments doesn't mean they don't deserve an answer. And that's precisely what I'll be doing today: giving them the answer they deserve. (All of this "mail" will be passed on to you exactly as it appears on the Web site. If you don't believe me, look it up for yourself--boiseweekly.com)

• This first one was a response to a column in which I discussed a study linking teevee watching among youngsters to poor intellectual development, which in turn leads to the popularity of conservative radio personalities. --Bill, you just aren't very clever. Perhaps I'm missing something but I think you are trying to use humor to get your point across. If indeed that is the case please stop now. I'm sure you are more intelligent than your writing lets on. After all, you have a job. --Anon One

Yes, A-1, a job it is. Particularly since my employers refuse to send me to exciting events in faraway places. And I have no idea what you mean by "humor." I think I'm pretty damn serious.

• The next reply was to a column in which I suggested we put a wolf's image on our Idaho state flag.--Your writing is absolutely terrible. You don't have much to say and don't say it very well. --Anon Two

That would make me a double threat, right? Which should be worth an expense account, at least!

• For "Back to Beating the Bush," in which I explained that I'd taken a month off from watching G. Bush's foul mug on the teevee, I received: --It is amazing how much Bill Cope can write while conveying so little. As a self-professed "political columnist," can't you find something original or substantial to waste space on here that is at least entertaining to read? Spelling out "teevee" just isn't cutting it anymore, and, frankly, I think your 15 minutes were up around 10 years ago. Please get a life. --Anon Three

Dear A-3, you're entirely right. From now on, I'll spell "teevee" another way. Does "ti-vi" work for you?

• As to a column I did about a column George Will did about how Americans are too soft, someone wrote:--Why, why, why does this publication keep this buffoonon its payroll. He's not funny; he's not clever; he's not informative and he can't write. He is an insult to a grand history of liberal columnists we have in this country. The only conceivable reason to publish him is that he is cheap. It says a lot about the readership of "Boise Weekly" that this guy still has a job. When people stop reading his nonsense he will be replaced. I find it inconceivable that this paper can't find someone to express the same opinions Mr. Cope holds and express them better, If Bill Cope is the best the paper can do it ought to fold. Sometimes nothing is better than something. That's the case here. --Anon Four

Cheap? Well, maybe. But I prefer to think of it as quality opinions at a family-friendly price.

• Over a recent piece on gays, one person took the time to list eight reasons he (or she) took exception to what I wrote. Here are my favorite three: --3. Is the author of this able to summarize whatever it is he is trying to make a point about, to those reading this, in even 50 words or less? --7. the witchy woman has not got evil in her of the smallest fractional amount possible, compared to the evil in your mind!!!--8. With all your words that make no rational sense, may I ask those that may read this, consider the source, and pray very much for the author to be accepted by the Lord Almighty. Amen. --Anon Five

As to the same column, another wrote: --I didn't even read the article but I know it's nonsensical. The Boise Weekly HAS to get someone more interesting to write for it. Has this publication ever ventured to find out how many people read this crap? This guy, Cope, is such an embarrassment to us liberals please replace him. --Anon Six

GOSH, it's good to hear from fellow liberals. And to the first commentor, thanks for your prayers and in return, I promise to sacrifice a chicken in your name ... if I knew your name.

• Concerning a column in which I went to great lengths to compliment and honor my father and mother in-law: --Congratulations, Bill! You filled a page with rambling stupidity. And I mean "rambling" "stupidity." There simply are no equals. --Anon Seven

Hey, tell that to my boss. And I'd rather you called it "stupid" "rambling."

• Over my review of "Fahrenheit 9/11,000,000, " someone wrote: --Oh, God! he could have said "go see the movie" without the usual predictable nonsense. Who the hell taught this idiot to write? Here's a revelation for this moron: no matter how many people read this moron's column, he's still a moron. --Anon Eight

Thank you, A-8, for reminding my employers that, in this business, it's consistency that matters.

• And finally, my absolute favorite. This was in response to a column my buddy Badger Bob wrote for me: --Why do you write like that idiot you're filling in for? Is your butchering of the English language supposed to be some comment on what you believe to be the meager intellects that populate the state of Idaho. Neither of you has a very impressive intellect so perhaps you should try being less condescending. The lowliest pig farmer in the state knows more than you two pretentious dweebs. --Anon Nine

I thought it best if Badger Bob answered this one for himself. B-Bob's reply: "Listen up, Ghostboy! I happen to be friends with the lowliest pig farmer in the state. His name is Floyd and believe me ... when Floyd has an opinion, he's got the f*****g guts to put his name to it!"

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