Unexpected Traumas of New Puppy Ownership 

1. Realizing that you will never, ever be able to run off to Vegas and get married without a babysitter.

2. Finding a turd that is about 3 percent fecal matter, 15 percent hard currency and 82 percent plush tentacle from a stuffed octopus.

3. Stepping in cold pee in the middle of the night.

4. Stepping in warm pee in the middle of the night.

5. Being unable to explain to the pup that his big brother does not have a nipple down there.

6. Having nightmares about strangulation only to realize that your puppy is curled up on your neck.

7. Becoming suddenly aware that you're standing in the front yard at 3:37 a.m. wearing a towel, a vintage ski parka and your boyfriend's shoes while wildly applauding a bowel movement.

--Erin Ryan

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