Butter Off Dead
Mere hours after news agencies began reporting that Sunni and Shiite Muslims have banded together to fight United States invaders in Iraq, it has been discovered that hatred of Uncle Sam has created common ground between yet another pair of formerly warring factions: the Yooks and Zooks, famously chronicled in Dr. Seuss's 1984 children's Cold War epic The Butter Battle Book. The two groups have been engaged in perpetually escalating battle for 20 years over their incongruent tastes in toast-preparation—Yooks eat with the butter side up, Zooks with the butter down—but have called a truce in order to wage war against who they see as an even greater threat: Hollywood producers who make sub-par live action versions of classic Seuss texts.
"We've thought for generations that there could be no peace between ourselves and those butter-side-up mongrels," explained Zook warlord VanItch from his seat high atop an Eight-Nozzled, Elephant-Toted Boom Blitz. "But the other day, while lobbing 'Bitsy Big Boy Boomeroos' at one another, Grandpa Yook and I came to a realization: if the Sunni and Shiite sects can come together and repel their imperialist devils who have so long been exploiting them, well then by Lorax, we can blow those same devils into pork and wee beans. We'll butter-side-down them to small smithereens!"
Grandpa Yook, enjoying a piece of right-side-up buttered bread in his military stronghold, concurred with VanItch. "Every Utterly Sputter, Kick-a-Poo Kid and Triple-Sling Jigger in Yookdom is waiting only for a signal from me or the Chief Yookeroo," he explained. "We will delay only long enough to hear report that one more Hollywood producer is looking to cash in on the Geisel vision, and then The Seussades will begin."
President Bush has already responded to reports of Seussian aggression by sending weapons inspectors to scour the "Top-est Secret-est Brain-Nests" which head up the Yook and Zook military research programs. "We will find the secret Yank and Zank reserves of mysterious Mook-Lacka-Moo, the substance used to make Bitsy Big Boy Boomeroo's," the President misread from a cue screen, "and we will prosecute the Bright Back Room Boys who develop it. My fellow Americans, I give you my word: we will leave no piece of toast unturned, no human right unviolated in our quest for victory."
A dissenting "No War for Butter" rally has already been planned to take place in Washington D.C. on March 2, 2005, Dr. Seuss's 101st birthday.
"Jenny From the Block" On Chopping Block
Jennifer Lopez appeared before a Senate investigative subcommittee this week, the third such celebrity to face interrogation by investigators demanding to know, "Could Gigli have been prevented?"
The former fly-girl and better half of Benifer faced a grueling two hours of questioning, almost but not quite as grueling as Gigli itself. In response to accusations that secret pre-screenings and advanced critical reviews could have saved both her and the American film industry from the extended humiliation heaped upon the 2003 flop, Lopez had the following to say: "In my mind there is no doubt that a number of warnings presented themselves to filmmakers, but Gigli probably could not have been stopped." She added that despite industry rumors to the contrary, "All reports of the secret movie industry warning document entitled 'Benifer determined to flop inside the United States' have been greatly exaggerated." The other two celebrities brought in for interrogation were Ben Affleck, also currently under investigation for his role in director Kevin Smith's career-halter Jersey Girl, and John Travolta, whose 2001 flop Battlefield Earth has led to his current occupation as "Government Expert on Self-Destructive Cinema."