Wink April 7, 2004 

A Passion for Crime

Mel Gibson's epic snuff sermon The Passion of the Christ has ended its run at a local cinema, but the film's controversy rages on unabated. Eleven Boiseans were arrested at the Northgate Theater last Thursday for refusing to leave the theater after the final showing of The Passion, which has been subsequently replaced by the demonic action film Hellboy.

"There are some forces in this universe more powerful than Reel Theaters," quietly explained local zealot Chris Ifixion as she was dragged into a paddy wagon by local authorities. "And the demon that is replacing our Lord in this unholy sin-ema? That's just the hellish icing on the brimstone cake. Get it? SIN-ema?" Ifixion was previously arrested in the same week at Edward's 21 Theaters tying herself to the door of the Grand Palace theater when it was announced that The Passion was no longer going to be shown on two big screens a day, but was in fact going to be dropped down to a single small screen. She is expected to be held in a Boise correctional facility until Easter morning.

"Since when is religious martyrdom so goddamn hip?" inquired Thomas B. Doubting, the officer in charge of hauling in Ifixion. "Between this and the Ten Commandments, I'm hauling in every goody-two-shoes from here to Twin Falls who has a church gullible enough to pay their bail. Then again, can you even imagine how much worse it would be if The Ten Commandments were remade by Mel Gibson? It'd be a riot of biblical proportions."

In the last three weeks, the charge of "Impeding the removal of outdated religious paraphernalia" has become the number one cause of arrest for Boise Christians aged 40 and above. Before this recent fervor, the top citations were "violating the clean air act by burning R-rated VHS videos without a license" and "not tithing a full 10 percent from one's gross salary." The latter is an antiquated charge from Idaho's frontier days, but has been mysteriously gaining in local popularity in the last two months.

The Real Story About Fake News

In response to a barrage of angry calls and e-mails from concerned citizens, law enforcement officials and the Army Corps of Engineers, the Federal Communications Commission has placed a one-year moratorium on fake news stories of a length one page or greater. "Don't worry, Americans," explained an FCC spokesman in a television address, "You will be safe at last from the heartless attacks perpetrated by these media terrorists. That commie indoctrination facility The Onion is our first mark. April Fools' crimes perpetrated by NPR and Boise Weekly have made them our next targets. The three should fall like Italy, Germany and Japan, but probably with a whole lot more self-indulgent lefty whining."

Over the last week, Boise residents have expressed righteous indignation at the ruses carried out by the targeted organizations. "This was the worst April Fools' Day ever!" declared 85-year-old Boisean Leroy Dundernuts. "I had Lucky Peak breaking on one side of me [from a fake report broadcast on KQXR 100.3 FM's morning show], a lake pourin' in from the other side [from Boise Weekly's allegedly exaggerated report about a future Snake River dam being built in Hells Canyon], and I'm a just sittin' here in my drawers and a life preserver holding a shotgun to protect my Time Life tape collection from looters! It was two days before the nurses could get me to put the safety on. Hell, all my friends who are over 80, under 10, drunk, in a coma or on horse tranquilizers had similar responses to these cruel, cruel hoaxes."

Byl and Doug of 100.3 could not be reached for comment, but released a short statement containing some familiar sound effects and a passage of lyrics from a Staind song. Hugh Jardon, co-author of the Boise Weekly feature, also released a short statement standing by the accuracy of his reporting. He was reportedly quite aroused by the interest his article had created.

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