Sunday, January 31, 2010

52nd Annual Grammy Winners: Obviously, Don't Ask Me Who Will Win the Superbowl

Posted By on Sun, Jan 31, 2010 at 10:27 PM

So my predictions for who would win a Grammy tonight for Best Record, Best Album, Best Song and Best New Artist tonight were way off. But I did want Kings of Leon to win Best Record, so technically I was half right. Right?

My predictions, which were shown several times last week on Channel 2's new show, ETV and will forever be available via YouTube:

• Best Record: My vote is for Kings of Leon's "Use Somebody" but I think Beyonce will win for "Halo."
• Best Album: My vote is for Dave Matthews Band but I think Lady Gaga will win.
• Best Song: My vote is for Kings of Leon “Use Somebody” but I think Taylor Swift's "You Belong With Me" will win.
• Best New Artist: My vote is for The Ting Tings and I think they'll win. (I actually wanted MGMT to win but wrote it down wrong on my crib sheet. Even my erroneous predictions had errors.)

Actual winners:

• Best Record: KOL's "Use Somebody." (Sweet.)
• Best Album: Fearless, Taylor Swift. (Duh. I should've known.)
• Best Song: "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)" by Beyonce. (They should come up with a category for Best Song With A Million Cover Versions on YouTube. Beyonce would have won that one, too.)
• Best New Artist: Zac Brown Band. (Who?)


One thing about the Grammys that was more wrong than my predictions: Stevie Nicks singing backup for Taylor Swift.

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Saturday, January 30, 2010

For Sale: Bong Lamp

Posted By on Sat, Jan 30, 2010 at 3:24 PM

So a team of BW staffers has landed in Berkeley, Calif., for the weekend to better our alt-weekly skills and just before we lay our heads down to sleep each night in a very charming little boutique hotel in the center of all the action, we reach over to dim the light on a most curious piece of furniture:


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Yes, it's a bong lamp. And the very charming little boutique hotel sells this custom-made ... ahem, piece ... for $275 if you're ready for a bong that you don't have to hide under the couch.

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Friday, January 29, 2010

Licking

Posted By on Fri, Jan 29, 2010 at 8:09 PM

I awoke very early this morning to the sound of licking. The cat was on the bed licking itself, its motions creating a slight 1.0 tremor. Then I noticed that the dogs that sleep around the bed were licking themselves, too. A throat gurgle, a bit of vomiting sounds, gums slapping to get it back down, then more licking. I could not get that sound out of my head. I imagined my own mouth filled with hair and vomit. I was not going back to sleep.

If someone wanted to make an alarm clock that had the most effective sound to wake one up, it would be licking. I'm not saying the sound of a puppy licking a baby's face. That's kind of cute and we all know puppy's slobber is almost sterile. Nosiree. I'm thinking of the sound a dog makes in the dark while it preens its own privates. It's not a quick licking sound. It's the long strokes of the tongue as it self-oralizes. It's worse than the nightmares I suffer after a pizza binge.

I once had a cat that would jump on the bed, stalk toward my head in a silent manner that didn't wake me, and lick my exposed armpits. I would wake up to a raspy tongue grooming the fine locks of pit hair I had so carefully cultivated. It was a feeling like no other. I wouldn't necessarily label it a disgusting feeling, but neither would I call it enjoyable. It was one of those strange feelings you allow to continue just to see what may happen. Who knows, I could come to enjoy it later, or at some point make my mind up that I didn't like it. The idea that it was weird never was part of the decision. It just was. If a cat today decided to lick my armpits again, I would let it, just to allow myself to go into that lucid state of "Hmmmmm, that's interesting."

It's funny that licking can create such an emotional reaction in us. Under the right circumstances it's a powerful erotic narcotic. Done in jest, or by a smelly hippy, it can be downright disgusting. Between humans it is quite poly-reactionary, with both nice, naughty and gross qualities depending upon the circumstances.

Between man and beast, in my opinion it mostly is just disgusting. For most of us, it is an involuntary act. We are attacked by a beast whose only method of showing us affection is an eight inch wet one. I won't delve into the subculture of consensual naughty licking between man and beast as I think that is disgusting, too. To each their own. Just do it in private.

I've been witness to beasts licking their masters. Most of us have. Humans allowing their beasts to lick their face, long animus tongues sloppily stroking a face and trying to sneak in a Frenchy. One of the beasts at our house will sneak in a Frenchy if you're not careful. It disgusts me. I watch that dog lick things I wouldn't pick up with a full hazmat suit on. But occasionally, she gets you. It makes me ill just to think about it.

This morning I could not go back to sleep. And being woken up by those sounds set the tone for my day. Even as I write this, I'm still annoyed at the beasts of this house. As I write this one is snoring behind me and I know, some time in the middle of the night, when all is dark and quiet, he will begin to lick himself. That thought makes me want to excommunicate him from my sleeping abode, but the punishment would be worse for the enforcer. I would have to listen to him scratch at the door all night.

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"Will Marry 4 Health Insurance"

Posted By on Fri, Jan 29, 2010 at 3:39 PM

Some marry for love. Some for money. Now ... health insurance?





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Catch a Check Thief

Posted By on Fri, Jan 29, 2010 at 1:48 PM

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While it might be convenient to put outgoing mail back in your mailbox with that little red flag up, it’s not the safest thing to do.

Boise Police are on the lookout for someone who will definitely not be winning any citizen of the year awards after stealing checks from private mailboxes and then cashing them around town. According to BPD, the value of each of the checks was several hundred dollars.

Police released this image of the suspected thief, describing him as a light-skinned male in his early 20s, between 5-feet, 11-inches and 6-feet tall, 170 to 190 pounds with reddish, light brown hair. He has a couple five-pointed star tattoos between his thumb and index finger on each hand.

If you know the suspect, or have any info, call 343-COPS, log on to the Web site, or text to CRIMES, subject Tip236.

Preventing the crime is relatively easy: use secured mail boxes or collection sites to send your mail.

"This is one of those crimes where a little education can prevent people from becoming a victim, save them a lot of headaches and maybe a lot of money," said Property Crimes Detective Brad Thorne in a BPD press release. "Stealing cash, checks or credit cards left unsecured in a mailbox can be another crime of opportunity for a thief."

BPD is also warning the public that there's a new telephone scam going around, in which a caller claims to be raising money to buy new equipment for the Boise Fire Department. While the Fire Department does occasionally use telephone fundraisers, they are always done by a local company and are for specific charitable causes.

If you have any questions about the validity of who's calling you, contact the Fire Department.

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Carnivorous Potatoes?

Posted By on Fri, Jan 29, 2010 at 12:16 PM

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Vegetarians: Put down your tater tots. Under that unassuming tuber’s tawny skin lurks a beastly thirst for blood. According to botanists at the Royal Botanic Gardens at Kew in England, Idaho’s famous export—along with petunias and campion flowers—should be added to the list of carnivorous plants.

Though spuds aren't on the same level as Venus fly-traps or pitcher plants, botanists determined that potatoes have evolved sticky hairs to trap and kill insects, which are then be absorbed through their roots in the form of nutrients. In an article published on msnbc.com, botanist Mark Chase from the Jodrell Laboratory at the Royal Botanic Gardens confirmed that assessment:

"Although a man-eating tree is fictional, many commonly grown plants may turn out to be cryptic carnivores, at least by absorbing through their roots the breakdown products of the animals that they ensnare," Chase said.

Though these findings might seem a little half-baked, it is pretty fun to dream up gruesome Attack of the Killer Potatoes scenarios.

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Hearts To Haiti

Posted By on Fri, Jan 29, 2010 at 10:28 AM

On Saturday, Feb. 6, an interesting group of musicians and artists will gather at the Linen Building to raise some funds for earthquake damaged Haiti in a event titled BoiseHeartsHaiti. It's an interesting array because as a group, it's not often you see these folks on the same bill.

The musicians performing that night are Steve Fulton, Matt Hopper, RevoltRevolt and Bank.

Artists who have donated work for a silent auction include Tim Andreae, Jeff Baker, Jonathan Benton, Jenny Burdin, James Calentino, Erin Cunningham, Allison Halligan, Sue Latta, Grant Olsen and Ben Wilson.

Proceeds from the evening's entertainment will go to two charities: Food for the Poor and Doctors without Borders.

Cost is a suggested $5 donation, and the show starts at 6 p.m. For more information, contact Jesse Larsen at fabujes@yahoo.com, or Lauren Tweedy at laurentweedy@yahoo.com.


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BW premieres ETV

Posted By on Fri, Jan 29, 2010 at 10:09 AM

Looking for something to do this weekend? Boise Weekly, Channel 2 and Citadel have teamed up to put together a weekly entertainment segment that airs Thursday, Friday and Saturday to get you prepared for the weekend. We'll have your movies, your theater, your fine arts, your low-brow arts, your big concerts, your local music, your off-beat family events and your outdoor events.

In this first video BW's A&E Editor Amy Atkins and ETV host Brad Rowen chat about this weekend's big deals, as well as urban chicken raising. In the second, get the skinny on Grammy nominations and our predictions on who will come out on top.

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Thursday, January 28, 2010

From the congested e-mail inbox of the A&E editor: Theory of a Deadman

Posted By on Thu, Jan 28, 2010 at 10:14 AM

That simple bass/drum/vocals/guitar + hot chick in a narrative video (especially if the action runs in reverse) + charismatic or brooding frontman (especially if he has a crazy head of hair—or none at all) + heartfelt rock is a formula that works. Ask Nickelback. Or Daughtry.

Or ask Theory of a Deadman. Under the guidance of Nickelback's curly-headed Chad Kroeger, the melodic Canadian rock group known as TOAD to their fans (wonder if they thought about that during the "what are we going to call ourselves" meeting?) is gaining some traction, including a spot performing during the opening ceremonies of the Winter Olympics in Vancouver, B.C., next month, as well as headlining a show here in Boise at the Knitting Factory on Sunday, Feb. 21 with Halestorm, Adelita's Way and Taking Dawn. The Olympics and Boise. Those are big deals for a band, right?

And frontman Tyler Connelly's bitch bump (you may know it as a pompador) definitely qualifies as a factor in the above formula.

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Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Burning Question of the Day: What Are Your Worst Sex Stories?

Posted By on Wed, Jan 27, 2010 at 3:20 PM

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While national ladymags like Cosmo are teeming with mortifying sex tales, Questionland user Oh My Captain is hoping to hear local folks fess up to their unfortunate fornication follies. In the “sex” category on Questionland, Oh My Captain asked:

“What was the worst experience that you ever had? Funny or sad tales are encouraged. Share your soul to us, Questionland fans...”

If you’re brave enough to spill your birds-and-the-bees beans on the Web—or just have a twisted imagination and a propensity for lying about lovin'—then head to questionland.boiseweekly.com and get it on.

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