Tuesday, July 17, 2012

The Apocalypse Issue is Nigh

Posted By on Tue, Jul 17, 2012 at 11:43 AM

To celebrate 2012—the year, not the film by disaster auteur Roland Emmerich—Boise Weekly is publishing an entire issue on a topic near and dear to the year: The Apocalypse. And a lot of real estate was dedicated to examining some of the myriad ways that the end could come—everything from robot holocausts to the bird flu to the Miami cannibal—all of them ranked on a scale of 1-10 Nostradamus units.

Unfortunately, there are so many fun ways we could all die a horrible death that some of them had to get cut for space from our Wednesday, July 18 print edition.

So we are sharing them here as a taste of what's to come and so that our readers are not without valuable information that could help them prepare for the possibility of an army of bears with jet-packs, or something equally disastrous and unlikely.

The potential apocalypti that got cut are below:

Solar Radiation/Solar Flare Issues:

The sun, she is a feisty mistress. She has one helluva nuclear temper and is a big fan of the tantrum. Solar flares and radiation cannot only burn your skin to a crisp, but disrupt radio communications, electronic equipment and all manner of other devices. Because of our dependence on computers, this has a destructive potential that Professor Alan Woodward of the University of Surrey compared to the recent Japanese tsunami in an article published by the Telegraph. But as much damage as a solar flare or solar radiation could cause, without prolonged and widespread bombardment, it isn’t likely to be an ELE, or extinction-level event.

Ranking: 1 Nostradamus Unit.

When Animals Attack:

For now, dolphins may be content rescuing Dick Van Dyke from going all Rip Van Winkle on his surfboard, but if we keep sucking them into tuna nets, at a certain point, they may decide they've had enough and fight back. And they’re smart enough to go the technological route. Once animals can harness technology, we are fucked. Can you imagine an army of bears with jet packs? No you can't, because you'd be killed by a bear with a jet pack before you could wrap your mind around the concept.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. It could turn out sloths were faking all this time and are lighting quick assassins. The honey badger could go rogue. So if we're all mowed down in the streets by a brigade of cyborg ostriches with razor beaks guided by Google glasses, don't say we didn't warn you.

Ranking: 1 Nostradamus Unit.

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