Friday, February 14, 2014

Mr. Cope's Cave: The Foxy Horror Picture Show

Posted By on Fri, Feb 14, 2014 at 10:03 AM

Some day, maybe a generation or two from now, hipsters and metrosexuals and trend-setters and trans-continentals and humanities majors out on dates will gather in intimate urban art houses and downtown cinemas to enjoy film clips compiled from the archives of Fox News. Social critics will call it a cult phenomenon, a future Reefer Madness or This Is Spinal Tap without the music, and the audiences will laugh themselves breathless over what’s coming out of the mouths of the images on screen. Lou Dobbs, Gretchen Carlson. Elisabeth Hasselbeck. Hannity and O’Reilly and Rove and Palin and Krauthammer and... well, all of them.

Some in the audiences will hang on every word, every statement, every discussion, and insist these were all actors performing in an intricate display of an uber-ironic theater of the absurd—the millennial inheritors of Dadaist manic-depression, uttering the most insane thoughts imaginable in a steady stream-of-goofiness effort to defy the very futility of existence. An endless Waiting For Godot, you might say, with each and every character portraying simply another echo of the same vast and vacant brain.

Other people will howl with mirth until they wet themselves and whisper to their dates, “Good Lord, just how stupid were these assholes!?

I foresee this movie—The Harrows of Fox wouldn’t be a bad title—will be so wildly popular that larger theaters, chain theaters and megaplexes will eventually include it in their rotation. Then it will move to whatever takes the place of Netflix, then on to cable television. It will eventually become such a fixture in the general culture of America that whenever someone starts to babble like a slow-witted teenager and spout outlandish things and theories and baseless propositions, it will be said he has “gone Foxy.”

And when anyone in public life says or does something so glaringly unintelligent that even his family is embarrassed for him, He will be called a “hannity,“ as in “Did you hear what that moron Toronto mayor got caught doing this time? God, what a hannity that buttwad is.”

It’s likely that one whole segment of this movie will consist of the gyrations the “Foxies” went through to twist the findings of the Congressional Budget Office from way, way back in 2014. As future Americans, the audience will understand completely that the report issued by the nonpartisan CBO dealt with a projected shift in the employment status of millions of Americans as they quit their second jobs, re-consider their primary jobs or opt for an earlier retirement than they’d thought possible, all when the Affordable Care Act—aka, “Obamacare”—eliminates their being forced to grovel through life in a grueling effort to provide health insurance for themselves and their families.

Is that so hard to understand?... that a change in the realities of health insurance would trigger a change in the realities of the job market? No, of course it isn’t. It’s pretty simple really, and even the stupid people in the future will understand what happened. And by then, even the stupid people will have come to understand what a blessing Obamacare was to the nation, way back in 2014.

But, as absurd as it sounds even now, the stupid people of the present—today’s Foxies, the hannities, the blithering hasselbecks, the blustering o’reillies—cannot grasp a simple thing like the CBO report. For weeks, they have insisted that the advent of Obamacare means that millions of Americans will lose their jobs, instead of the reality, that millions of Americans will quit their jobs.

I know, it doesn’t sound so hilarious now, does it? Especially since the Foxies are being echoed in the halls of Congress by ridiculous hannities and malkins who have actually been elected to office.

But trust me. Someday, our children and grandchildren will look back on this and laugh themselves silly. Just imagine the fun they will have, enjoying the likes of Gretchen Carlson or Steve Doocy making such doocies of themselves in 4-D, Super Hi-Def Hologramized I-Max.

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