Monday, June 16, 2014

Mr. Cope’s Cave: At the Pearly Gates

Posted By on Mon, Jun 16, 2014 at 10:00 AM


How’s it hangin’, Pete? You don’t mind if I call ya’ “Pete,” do ya’?


It’s me. George. You know me. Some people called me “Dubya.” You know… for how I got a dubya in my middle name.

Cause of expiration?

What’s goin’ on up here? Don’t you folks watch the news? I choked on another one o’ them… what you call ‘em?… pretzels. But momma got the coroner to say it was a heart 'tack so’s I wouldn’t look so much like a doof.

Why did you come here, Mr. Bush? You should have waited until you were called.

It’s Heaven, ain’t it? I died, and I’m a Meth’dist, so where else would I be? An’ I want t’ tell you b’fore I forget, You’re doin’ a heck of a job up here, Pete.

Mr. Bush, this isn’t Yale. There are no legacy admissions here. Each soul must be accepted, or denied, on his or her merits, and nothing else.

But I was pres’dent. You can’t keep a pres’dent out. It says somewhere in the Constitution I think, how a pres’dent gets to keep his Secret Service guys 'til when he dies, then he goes to Heaven. Go ask Reagan, he’ll tell ya’. An’ tell him I’m here, would ya’?

Mr. Bush, our records show it was you who authorized the actions that condemned those lands you call “Iraq” to a perpetual cycle of violence, chaos and war.

That was more Cheney’s doin’, Pete. Shoot, I hardly knew what Iraq was 'til Dick said we had to invade 'em. Say Pete, did you know they had two kinds of Mooslims there? Shoot, nobody ever told me there was two kinds of Mooslims anywheres. I thought they were like Cath’lics. You know, wheres the only difference is if you’re Irish or Mexican or Eye-talian.

Surely you can’t be saying that as leader of the most powerful country down on Earth, you had no part in a decision that left tens of thousands of people dead and maimed, including thousands of your own soldiers?

Wull sure. I had plenty to do with it. I was the decider. I… what I mean is… I did the decidin’. Only one guy decides what needs to get done, and that was me. But it was ol’ Dick who told me what I should decide to do on that Iraq place. You gotta remember, Pete, I was what you call a “compassionate conservative.” You know… like Jesus. Jesus wouldn’t o’ started no war unless he had a good reason to, and that’s like me. And it was Dick who gave me the good reasons. Ya’ see what I’m sayin, don’t ya’?

I must inform you, Mr. Bush. It would be unwise of you to bring Jesus into this evaluation. And as to Mr. Cheney, let us just say we are preparing a special place for him for his part in this affair.

Wull what about this new guy? That Obama guy. Things were goin’ along just fine in Iraq ‘til he came along an’ pulled the boys outta there. I surged it, see? I… what you call… surged it. And it was gonna be OK, except that Obama guy, he came along an’ de-surged it. If he hadn’t o’ done that, everthing’d be workin’ good down there. Just like ol’ Dick told me it would.

Mr. Bush, was it your intention to leave your county’s soldiers there indefinitely?

I wouldn’t say indefanulty… indeflinately… indenfatedly... but they should o’ been kept there 'til there wasn’t no chance o’ anything else going wrong. Ya’ see what I’m sayin, don’t ya’?

And how long did you foresee that being necessary, Mr. Bush? That area has been in constant strife for centuries, so what made you think an indeterminate occupation of that land by a foreign and unwelcome invader would eventually ease that conflict?

Say, did I tell ya’ I been paintin’? Paintin’ pictures? Did you see them little dogs I made pictures of? Say Pete, are there any little dogs up here? You guys let dogs in, don’t ya’?

Mr. Bush, we take everything in your life into consideration. But it is the ratio between the good a soul has done for others and the damage it has left behind that determines whether it is allowed to enter here, or must be assigned elsewhere. And I must tell you that the damage you left behind out-balances whatever good you accomplished by such a degree that we have no choice but to place you in one of the, what we call, “the lower circles.” 

But I’m a Meth’dist! Did I tell ya’ that? Say, why don’t ya’ get ol’ Reagan out here. He’ll tell ya‘. I was just doing what a good pres’dent does. We pres’dents have t’ worry about our legacies, don’t ya’ see? It’s my legacy I was thinking about. You see that, don’t ya’?

Yes, Mr. Bush. And where you’re going, you will have a long, long time to continue thinking about your legacy. A very long time, indeed. Next! 


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