Friday, June 20, 2014

Mr. Cope’s Cave: Why Didn't You Ask Me That to Start With?

Posted By on Fri, Jun 20, 2014 at 10:07 AM

Wasn’t that about the most awesome thing you’ve ever seen?

Wasn’t what about the most awesome thing I’ve ever seen?

That last goal. 


The game. You know… where we kicked Ghana’s ass.

Oh. I get it. Soccer shit. Sorry it took so long for me to catch on to what you’re talking about, but it was so unbelievable that you would be asking me what I thought about some soccer shit that my brain had to do a reset on itself, and it couldn’t remember where the on/off button is.

Does that mean you didn’t watch the game?

Yes. That means I didn’t watch the game. My brother-in-law did. He likes watching games. Even soccer shit. But me? No. I heard him whooping it up in the next room. So when I couldn’t avoid hearing about the game for the next several days, I assumed that whatever it was he was whooping it up about had something to do with that goal thingie you’re talking about. But maybe not.

You’re not taking me seriously again, are you?

That’s right. I’m not taking you seriously. Again.

Do you always insist on not participating in the zeitgeist going on around you?

Why would you say something like that? I love zeitgeists. Why, I don’t know how I’d get by without a zeitgeist or two every day. What are you asking me that for?

Because it seems like every time I try to get your reaction to whatever it is that people are buzzing about, you dismiss it as irrelevant. 

Somebody has to dismiss buzzing people as irrelevant, don’t they? And who’s going to do it if I don’t? I’m just not the sort of person who sits around like a boiled potato, waiting for others to do all the heavy dismissing.

Does it even cross your mind that just because you think something is irrelevant doesn’t make it so. Let me remind you that soccer is very relevant indeed to millions and millions of people around the world. 

Well let me remind you that out of the three people living in my house, soccer is only relevant to one of us. That’s like a… what?… a 2-to-1 advantage that soccer is irrelevant. At least in my house. And you call that a zeitgeist?

You are not even trying to have a serious conversation about this, are you?

Why would I try to have a serious conversation about a subject I don’t take seriously?

I must say I am surprised to find that you are one of those people who look down on soccer as inferior to American football. 

Oh no. No, no, no, no, noooo. You got me all wrong. Nothing is more inferior than American football. But comparing American football to soccer is like comparing intestinal parasites to crab lice. If I have a choice, I’d rather not have either one of them.

Now you’re just being silly.

Oh, I’m sorry. Were you trying to get something relevant out of me?

Yes. I was. Why would I be wasting my time by interviewing you if didn’t expect to get something relevant out of you?

Well then, I guess you shouldn’t have asked me about soccer then, huh?

Then what would you rather talk about, Mr. Cope?

Uh, what about that party convention Idaho Republicans had last weekend. Why didn’t you ask me about that?

Because I’m not the political affairs interview person. I’m the zeitgeist buzz interview person. 

Ah. I see. Then why don’t you go back to Interview Person Central and tell them to send over the political affairs interview guy?

So am I to have it that you believe a political convention held in Moscow, Idaho was more relevant than America winning a game in the World Cup competition?

Oh, absolutely not! There’s hardly anything in the universe more irrelevant than the Idaho Republican Party. But that’s not the same thing as saying they can’t do enormous damage once they all agree on what damage they can do.

That doesn’t make sense. 

Well, there you go. That explains why you’re not a political affairs interview person.

But you’re saying they can do enormous damage, but they are not relevant. I would call enormous damage “relevant.”

Would you call a grungy gang of methed-up biker scum who get together to kick the crap out of innocent people “relevant?”


No. They are not relevant. The damage they leave in their wake may be relevant… in this metaphor, to the innocent people of Idaho who bear the brunt of the Republican Party’s basically vicious nature… but they themselves are nothing more than small, petty men and women whose only noticeable feature is their basically vicious nature. Fortunately, they have become so vicious, they can’t even agree on simple things any more. They have become little more than spoiled, petulant, disagreeable children squabbling among themselves over which direction their damage should take and who should lead them in getting there.

How do you explain grown men and women behaving like that?

Oh, that’s easy. It’s what happens when simple-minded people go hog wild over simple-minded ideologies and simple-minded philosophies. If you babble enough childish rubbish, sooner of later, you will be indistinguishable from babbling children. Their motto should be Non cogito, ergo dumbass sum. “I don’t think, therefore I’m stupid.”

I’ve never heard that saying before. I think you made it up.

No. René Descartes made it up. I just added some stuff.

Who is René Descartes?

You don’t know René Descartes!? I’m surprised. He was all the buzz back in his zeitgeist.

I think this interview has gone about as far as it can go.

Yes. Probably further.

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