Another Rebooteth? 

What hath Bob wrought this time?

In the beginning, there was an endless universe of cold, lifeless subatomic particles, drifting through unfathomable darkness, heading toward the next Big Bang. It would take another 15, 16 billion years for a Word to show up.

--From "Badger" Bob Berzerquierre's rendition of the Book of John

(Ring, ring) "You've reached the number of Robert Berzerquierre. If whatever you have to say is important, say so right now and I'll call you back when I get good and ready. If it's not important and you want to piss away my time with some irrelevant horsecrap about something you saw on your damn television or something you heard one of those Republican creeps in Iowa say, let me know that, too, so's I can forget I ever knew you and not feel guilty about it!" (Beep)

"Hey, Bob. I thought you were coming over for some ham and green beans on Christmas. Didn't you get the message my wife left? Uh ... you there? Okie-doke, I'll try back later. And hey, if I don't talk to you in the next day or two, remember you're invited for New Year's Eve. Don't bring anything. I bought one of those party trays with cheese and sliced meat on it and I picked up a couple of six packs of some pretty good beer. Oh, and I got a box of fruity sangria. It should be fun. That woman my wife works with ... the one with no eye brows? ... well, she'll be there and the couple who live down the street are coming with their Scattergories game. I'll let you choose whether we watch Anderson Cooper or Ryan Seacrest come midnight. And if you're worried about driving home with a fruity sangria buzz on, you can sleep over here, ha ha. See you then."

(Ring, ring) "You've reached the number of Robert Berzerquierre. If whatever you have to say is important, say so right now and I'll call you back when I get good and ready. If it's not important and you want to piss away my time with some irrelevant horsecrap about something you saw on your damn television or something you heard one of those Republican creeps in Iowa say, let me know that, too, so's I can forget I ever knew you and not feel guilty about it!" (Beep)

"Hey Bob. We missed you last night. We got so wrapped up in Scattergories that it wasn't until about 10 p.m. my wife said I oughta give you a call. Which I did. But it sounded like you had the phone off the hook. We also played some Pictionary but not for very long because the woman my wife works with ... you know, the one with no eye brows? ... got sick and spent about an hour hunkered down with the toilet, and by the time we got her on her feet again, it was almost 1 o'clock and we'd missed New Year's totally. I should have noticed she was hitting the fruity sangria pretty hard. Anyway, hope everything is OK and you have a Happy New Year, OK? Give me a call?"

(Ring, ring) "You've reached the number of Robert Berzerquierre. If whatever you have to say is important, say so right now and I'll call you back when I get good and ready. If it's not important and you want to piss away my time with some irrelevant horsecrap about something you saw on your damn television or something you heard one of those Republican creeps in Iowa say, let me know that, too, so's I can forget I ever knew you and not feel guilty about it!" (Beep)

"Hey, Bob, you need to change your message. Those Republicans have all moved on to New Hampshire now and what's up, anyway? Are you still around? Did you leave town or something? I must have called you about a thousand times by now and haven't heard a peep back. Gosh, is it something I said? Are you mad at me? Hope you didn't fall and break a hip or something. Maybe I oughta just drive over there and see if you're OK. Yeah. That's what I'll do. I have to go to that side of town in the morning anyway, so I'll drop by and check up on you. Jeez, I hope I don't find you laying on your camper floor, all starved to death with that cat of yours gnawing on your nose, ha ha. See you tomorrow."

(Ring, ring) "Hello. This is the Copes. We're unable to come to the phone now, but it you leave a message, we'll get back to you." (Beep)

"Cope! Pick up! I know you're there. You just f***ing called. Look, I don't want you coming ov ..."

"Hey Bob. Sorry I didn't pick up first thing. Had to go to the bathroom. Anyway, it's nice of you to call back. Finally. Gosh, what the heck's going on? My wife went out and bought you a tin of those smoked oysters you like so much, and you can't even call and to tell us you can't make it?"

"OK goddammit, if you want me to say I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Tell your wife I'm sorry. I should o' called, yeah. It was rude I didn't. But I've been busy. Busier than hell. I meant to call back, but I just got busier and busier and forgot. OK? Tell your wife I'm sorry. That I didn't mean to be rude. Now I gotta go. I'm still busy. And I'll be busy all day tomorrow, too. And every day after that. So don't come over. I'm fine. No broken hip or nothing like that. Just busy, that's all. Got a lot to get done and I ain't getting any younger."

"Hey, Bob, what's got you so busy? Gosh, you've been retired ever since I've known you. So what are you doing? You didn't get a job saying 'howdy' to shoppers coming into the Walmart, did you?"

"Can't tell you what I'm doing, Cope. I'll tell you about it when I'm done. And that won't be for a long, long time. A real long time. So don't call me. I'll call you. Good-bye now."

"Hey Bob, that's no fair. I'd tell you if I were ..." (Click)

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