Ask Bill About It 

Formerly, "Ask Bill--Advice For the Worried"

Cope, you wormy idiot snot ball,

I want to know what do you got to say about your precious Trayvon Martin now? Or aren't you keeping up with the latest findings which makes it obvious as pig stink that George Zimmerman is the real victim instead of the big bad racist baby killer like you and your comrade Al Sharpton are always making him out to be?

You think you're so smart, you deviated fartbag, but it's like what my wife Belinda said last week, "The smarter some people are, the dumber they are." She wasn't talking about you I don't think, seeing as how the only thing she ever reads is when she's watching that QVC channel and sees something she wants to send away for. And whenever I get all rawfed up over something you wrote in that hippie Boise Weekly rag, which I only get to give my dingo Hank something to pee on, she says to me, "Well if you're going to get so mad when you read what he says, why don't you quit reading it?"

Then last week I said, "Belinda, do you got any idea what this Cope maggot says?" and she says, "No, and I don't want to know what he says. But he must be pretty smart or they wouldn't be putting what he says in a newspaper."

I said, "Smart? Smart? Cope ain't smart! Hank is smarter than he is! He's the lyingest, sissyest, socialest, libtardyest, elitistest, logiclessest scrotum rot that ever didn't have the sense to clean the Hussein Obama gunk out of his ears, and you think he must be smart? Belinda, I'm so much smarter than Cope that even my little toe, all by itself, is smarter than he is!"

Right then, she breaks into what I was saying and she says, "The smarter some people are, the dumber they are." So maybe she was talking about you, or maybe not. I wasn't sure. And I didn't want to get her crying again. She's been acting funny ever since she moved back in with me after she ran off with that calf roper from Oklahoma. All sort of soupy like. Like she left a few of her marbles back in Tulsa. She's what my Granmy used to say, "a few needles missing from her pin cushion." So I've been careful not to get too ... hey wait a minute! This ain't none of your goddam business, Cope! You give me the creeps, you nosy old perv. Butt out!

And another thing. I think you'd better take back everything you've had to say about George Zimmerman and how he murdered your precious Trayvon Martin. In case your brain isn't so ate up with syphilis and LSD, you must can see from those pictures of George how he got beat butt ugly by that hoody goon who was hopped up on marijuana molecules in his urine. But I haven't heard either you or that so-called "reverend" Al Sharpton apologize for all the lies you been saying about a true patriot and neighborhood watcher. It's men like George Zimmerman who will keep America safe from the whoreds of Hussein Obamaites and hoody goons.

And by the way, Mr. Nothing Between Your Ears, did you know that if you load enough Skittles in a tube sock, it makes something you can mug white people with? It's a fact! I read it on the Internet. And that's what your precious Trayvon Martin was up to, probably. And whatever you do, don't say "Dear Dick" when you write me your answer. It makes me want to gag to have a crap monkey like you call me "dear."

--Dick from Parma

Dearest Dick,

We'll talk Martin in a sec, but first, I'm curious what you think of the new name for this column. See, I've been doing the "Ask Bill--Advice to the Worried" feature for years. I started because I knew there were a lot of worried people out there. At the time, parents were worried about what the news coverage of our then-president getting a BJ would do to their children's emotional stability. Later on, others worried about everything from Saddam Hussein's nuclear bombs to Tom Luna's education reform ideas--both of which proved to be non-existent, as we know now--and I felt an obligation to ease their fears and calm their troubled hearts. Some people volunteer to fill sand bags during floods, or search for survivors after a tornado. This is what I do to contribute. I give advice. Don't thank me ... it's just the way I am.

But lately, "Advice for the Worried" has been sounding a tad old-fashioned to me. Like something Dear Abby would call her column. So I decided to go for something hipper. Something more today-ish. Originally, I wanted "Ask Bill What He Thinks." Unfortunately, that is three letters over my title limit, so I settled for "Ask Bill About It." Dig it?

So anywho, about the Trayvon Martin case. Yes, it would seem that Trayvon got in a few good licks before he was shot. But as far as changing my opinion of Zimmerman? Seeing as how Zimmerman was pursuing the kid and not the other way around, I would say it's clear that Trayvon was exercising his own version of Stand Your Ground. Maybe if he'd had time to sock up those Skittles, he'd of had a chance.

And speaking of the Internet, have you seen the online ad for firing range targets shaped like a slightly built black kid carrying Skittles and wearing a hoodie? Sounds like that's right up your alley, Dick.

Listen, sorry to hear about your soupy wife, but Oklahoma will do that to a person. And hey, if you get time, let me know what you think of the new heading. Always a treat hearing from you.

--Your favorite wormy idiot snot ball, Bill.

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