Ask Bill About It 

Oh, goody. Dick's back

To that washed up fish gut who's calls itslef Bill Cope but what I call Shrill Dope,

I've written at leest 10 letters to your stinked-up paper what I call Boozy Weakling and you have not respondled to a single of them. If you think you can ignore me, you have another thimk coming, you Nancy Peloshi licky perv! I called a laywer who says I can sue your flubby libtard butt. Acording to what my lawyer says is the law,he says last yea5r when you called me a imaginery character who you made up, you smeared me up with some of that libel stuff. Which is where you call me a name what I'm not. I told my lawyer how you called me a dumshit too, but according to my lwayer, it would be harder to prove I am not a dumbshit than how I am not a imaganary carcacator. According to my lwayer ,all I hav4 to do to proof I am not a magernary character is to show the judge my drivers liscenss, which he says no imaginarty caracture is going to have one of, but there is no licens what says I am not a dumbshit.

So I will win all your money, according to my lawyer, except for what I give to my laywer. Hah hah I am looking forward to seeing you live in a box uunder a train tracks where you deserve, you dirty Hillary sniffer, which reminds me of why I'm writing this l;etter. Hillery what I call 'Rotten Ham" Clinton will never get president like you keep saying, no how no wa7y, no matter how many snibeling dog drools like you vote for her. As soona s people find out the trhuth of so manythings what she broke all the law on, they wil;l impeech her before she is even elected.

Besides, only but a femmy frog snot like you are would ever think a woman presdinet would be a good idea. Presidents are to be men. That's why all the other preisdents were men. If you were a yourslef a man you would udnerstand that fact without me have to tell you. But if you were a man, you would have a real job like real men have and I would be writting ths letter to another femmy frog snot what is there inst3ead of you who dos not get it that no woman will ever be president- especilly her what I call "Rotted Ham; Clintom,who make s my skin crawl she is so old and unhot. She should be married to you, you feeb brained pro"GROSS" ive, thats what you desever but Oh! I FORGOT! shes' already married to another feeb brained pre"GROSS"ive named Bill isnt' she!!! Hah Hah Hah that is all we need to kown about HER isn't it?

Youd' better not ignooer this letter, you flascid intesticle maggot! or you will be hearing form my lawyer, according to my la2wyer.—Signed Dick from Homedale

•••

Ah, Dick. I've been wondering when I'd hear from you again. And I knew I would, eventually. I've learned that even an imaginary character is hard to get rid of, if he's obsessive enough. You're like this other guy I know of—a real guy, incidentally—has to spend the greater portion of his waking hours pounding out interminable comments on one website or another. He must have a weird voice in his head that's convincing him people actually care what he thinks. Sad, really.

Seriously, Dick, you don't know how lucky you are to be imaginary.

Say, I'm sorry I didn't receive those other letters you've sent. Can't imagine why, other than it's possible they weren't addressed correctly. I should tell you, Dick, your spelling is getting worse every time I hear from you. Is it possible that you are forgetting to take off your work gloves when you sit down to type something? Or perhaps you're using one of those touchpad devices and you're poking at the little letters with a corn dog?

I suppose I shouldn't care how poorly you spell, but frankly, it's disturbing that, as a figment of my imagination, your dismal communication skills reflect on me. It is troubling to think that somewhere deep in my inner sanctum is this ignoramus who sees nothing wrong with a word like "snibeling."

About Hillary. Do you have any idea, Dick, why I enjoy saying "President Clinton" so much?

President Clinton!... President Clinton! Do you feel it? How your body shudders at the words?... President Clinton! How you—along with all those like you, except they are flesh and blood and rudimentary brain stem, while you are nothing more than the after-effect of an overly-spiced taco or under-cooked pot roast—how your sphincter contracts and your jaw clenches, and you have an uncontrollable urge to chew on your quivering lip when you hear the words? President Clinton!

Here. Try this one. Commander-in-Chief Hillary! Hah, I can smell your flop sweat all the way from here. That's why I invented you, Dick. To enable me to visualize what effect my words are having on the type of people who would consider Sarah Palin presidential material, but not Hillary Clinton.

Look, Dick, I honestly do believe Hillary will win (and I suspect you do, too), but of course, it's not a sure thing. In the end, it will hinge as much on how foolishly your Republican candidates present themselves as anything Hillary says or does. But I am confident they will do their part.

And about that imaginary lawyer of yours?... my imaginary lawyer told me to tell you to tell him, "See you in imaginary court!"

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