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Sail on, O sinking ship

Cope, you in-grown hair on Michael Moore's flabby ass,

I bet you wish I'd get lost and not send you letters anymore, don't you? Well your ain't going to be so lucky to have that happen, you sack of Saul O'Linksy's afterbirth. I did happen to move out of my mom's place in Homedale and got myself a pretty clean double-wide in Parma, but that's as far as I'm going. I'll be around for a long, long time to point out what a scrambled brain libber lips you are.

It's just like this U (suck) of I flagship thing what's come up and has all you Vandal losers all rawfed up over it. I bet you're right in there with them, aren't you? That's one thing what I know about you U (suck) of I graduators. You all act like you just got off the bus from Hoitytoitytown. Like the U (suck) of I made you better than normal people what didn't go there to collage. That's why you're all Hussane Obama voters, I bet. Because just like what Rick Santorum says about him, you are snobs.

As far as I'm concerned, calling the U (suck) of I a flagship should of never happened in the first place. Who do they think they are, calling themselfs the flagship univercity around here when they can't even get out of podunk Moscow? If they want us to think they are so almighty, why arin't they set up in a town big enough to have a hockey team, that's what I want to know?

Also as far as I'm concerned, this state doesn't not need no more univercities than one, which is the one we got right over there in Boise. If we Idahoers got to have a flagship, that's what ought be the flagship, good old Bronco State. So they ought close up the U (suck) of I for good, that's what I think. Lock the doors and send all the libtard professers back to San Fran Sicko and Maggot-Chusetts. We don't need whatever they been professering.

What do you think of that idea, you Al Gore humped-up envirowhack nut? To have us put your precious U (suck) of I out of its mizery?

--Signed: Dick From Parma

PS: Did you notice that every time I wrote U of I, I put (suck) in it so that how you say it is "U suck of I?" My roping partner thinks that saying ought be made into a T-shirt what I can sell at the Bronco store, that's how funny he thinks it is. And maybe I'll do that.

Dear Dick From Parma,

I'm happy for you that you were able to move out of your momma's house. Must be such a relief not having to flush the toilet every time you use it, eh?

I also commend you on that stroke of genius concerning the "U (suck) of I" logo. Funny stuff. Funny, funny stuff. But as to expanding your wit to the T-shirt genre, let me warn you it could backfire. Imagine how you would feel the first time you passed an answering T-shirt on the street, emblazoned with the design "BSUcks" on the front. What I mean to say is, once you elevate the old school rivalry to "you suck/no, you suck!" levels, who can say where it would end?

Now as to the "flagship" controversy: It may surprise you to know I agree the U of I should have never been called Idaho's "flagship university." My position is that maritime metaphorical references just simply don't resonate when describing anything that has to do with Idaho. After all, what does a "high tide mark" or "mizzen mast" have to do with a landlocked hinterland whose population looks to Lake Lowell for aquatic adventures? Why, it wouldn't surprise me to learn that in remote corners of Idaho--I'm thinking of Canyon County in particular--there reside people who are not even aware we are surrounded by oceans and seas. I ask you, what would "20,000 fathoms" or "batten down the hatches" possibly mean to such people?

Besides implicit within the image of "flagship" is the suggestion there is some sort of an assembly of other ships over which the flagship presides. See what I mean, Dick From Parma? A fleet, perhaps. An armada. A navy, even ... strong and proud with cruisers and destroyers, gallant galleons and formidable men-o'-war.

Ah, if only Idaho's dinky flotilla of ivied halls were so seaworthy. Aye, matey, I be afeered that with such land-lubber cabin boys as Luna, Otter and them Legislature scurvies setting the course and rigging the sails, our boats of higher ed have been run up onto the rocks. We be scuttled, and we're leaking students, curriculum offerings, qualified classroom instructors, and education opportunities like oil oozing out of the good ship Costa Concordia. Our advanced learning be on its way to Davy Jones, boy-o ... sunk to the bottom by scalawags who figure the less the passengers know, the better off the ship of state be. Argh!

Uh, pardon me, Dick From Parma. I believe I was momentarily possessed by Capt. Morgan.

Anyway, as to the point I was trying to make: However accurate it may be that the University of Idaho is the state's flagship university, her accompanying fleet amounts to a few junior college dinghies and a couple of overloaded garbage scows. So it is my opinion the word "flagship" should indeed be dropped from the school's mission statement and be replaced with something more appropriate to prevailing Idaho cultural sensibilities. Maybe, "Idaho's anchor store university." How about, "the state's Carl's Junior university"? Or, "the bishop university"?

As to closing down the U of I, Parma Dick, I don't think that would be such a good idea. Do that, and all we'd have left would be the dinghies and the garbage barges.

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