Badger T Bernie 

The argument for socialism of the soul

I asked Cope if I could borrow his column. Told him I had some hypocrite a**hole I needed to interview, and that it was important. Dopey said he wasn't sure he should let me because I swear too f***ing much, but I offered to mow his g**d*** lawn this week in trade, and he caved. I knew he would. Cope f***ing hates to mow his law. I got him to shake on it before I sprung the kicker on him, that he was the hypocrite a**hole I needed to interview. He blubbers, "But Baaaawb, I ain't no hypocrite a-hole!" So I tell him that's why he should let me interview him, to tell his side of the story. That's all it took. Cope f***ing loves to tell his side of the story.


Cope, you've made the claim, repeatedly, that you are some sort of liberal or progressive. Is that correct?

Yes, Bob. You know that. Jeez, I've never tried to hide the fact I am a liberal, a Democrat... a "progressive," if you will... and that my left-of-center leanings are not only the foundation of my column, but are also the basis for my sense of what is right and wrong in both politics and my personal behavior. In fact, I would say that...

Are you a socialist to any great degree?

A socialist? Uh, I don't know if it's a "great degree," but yeah. A little. Like, when it comes to health care, I'm definitely a socialist. Absolutely. I believe we need...

Then would it be correct to call you a socialist in the Bernie Sanders model?

Gosh, Badger. Are you gonna let me finish answering what I believe about...

I don't give a flying f*** what you believe, Cope. I'm just trying to find out why the f*** you're supporting Clinton instead of Bernie Sanders. Everything you've written, years and years of it, would lead people to assume you were a true-blue pro-gressive. Pro-union, pro-working class, pro-public education, pro-environment, pro-every-f***ing-thing that pro-gressives are pro on. But all you ever talk about is Hillary. Not one f***ing word about Bernie. In my book, that makes you a hypocrite a**hole!

Holy Cow, Bob. You don't have to be so mean about it. Just because I support a candidate who isn't 100 percent in sync with me on every single issue doesn't make me a hypocritical a-hole. That's the way radicals think, Bob. You know, like those right-wingers, how they're always trying to push RINOs out of their crappy party. Does it make RINOs hypocrites if they aren't as nutsy as those Tea Party nuts?

Cope, the f***ing point is, if you're confident that what you believe is the truth... is the very foundation for what you believe is right and wrong, even, like you said... then to not support the candidate most aligned with your values is not only hypocritical, it's f***ing immoral!

Yeah, but Bob, the thing is, maybe there are more than one truths a fella might feel he should consider, don't you think?

Don't you dare try to get Socratic on me, g**d***it. This is a simple matter of standing up for what you think is right and best for the people of this f***ing country.

Yeah. Sure. But don't you think it's possible that maybe the best thing and the right thing for the people of this country... at this moment in history, in the big huge picture of everything all put together... is that we finally get around to having a woman president?

Are you saying Clinton should be elected simply because she's the woman in the race? F***, Cope, why not Fiorina? And if that Palin dunce were the only woman running?... would you support her?

Of course not, Bob. I wouldn't support just any old woman just because she's a woman. That'd make me an idiot. But Hillary is as qualified, or more so, than any man in this thing. That's what has the Republicans so scared. They know she's better than any of them. They also know that once America has a woman president, the whole culture of this country is going to take another big jump toward universal egalitarianism.

Universal egalitarianism? Did you make that up?

Nah. Found it on the Internet. But you know what I mean, Women and girls would no longer feel there were limits to how far they can go or how much they can grow. It's like what Barack Obama has done for African-Americans, and I think it's probably why the right hates him so much. He's living proof they will never have an exclusive claim to the kingdom. And Hillary would be the same thing, Maybe even bigger. A giant, giant step in the right direction. And I think it's important America takes that step. At least as important as the stuff Bernie Sanders is talking about. It's like total societal socialism instead of just economic socialism.

Societal socialism, huh? Did you find that on the Internet, too?

Nah. I made that up, but I honestly think it's what we need. A big growth spurt in our collective consciousness. You know, Bob, most of what a president does in office fades with time and people forget the details. But no one will ever forget that we've had our first Catholic president, our first black president and that we're a bigger, better country because we crossed those lines. It's time... way past time, I'd say... to give women that boost. Don't you think?

Aaaah, s***! This f***ing interview isn't going at all the way I expected.

Gee, I'm sorry, Bob. But... uh... you're still going to mow my lawn. Right?

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