Douchenet 

Three douches to watch out for

It sounds like the lede of another breathless Dot-Com Bubble 3.0 puff piece by David Carr.

Three douchebags hook up at a cafe-cum-gallery-cum-hacketeria in a section of Brooklyn so hip that hipsters can't find it. Eight minutes later, they've banged out a business plan. What for, they can't say. All they know is it'll be wicked-awesome sweet.

Now everybody's talking about Douchenet.

By "everybody," we don't mean "everybody." We mean "everyone who matters." Which most assuredly doesn't include you.

What exactly is Douchenet? Who cares--the point of a piece like this one isn't to tell you what's going on. The point is to blow some free publicity the way of well-connected 26-year-old friends of people who matter to people who matter--26-year-olds whose business ideas are obviously utter horsecrap.

Last week's Facebook IPO looks like a fiasco. Federal investigators are looking into charges that Morgan Stanley set the share price too high to inflate its underwriting fees, leaving stock buyers holding the bag for an 18 percent plunge of a $16 billion offering.

Sure, millions lost their hard-earned savings. But three douchebags are rocking out.

Mark Miron, 26, got paid in Facebook shares for watching Mark Zuckerberg's cat. As of last week, he was worth $200 million. But he's more than just another Silicon Valley wanker. He made his name at Google when he agreed with some other entitled kids that having illustrators design the search engine's front page for free was a cool idea.

Marc Parker, 26, started out at facebook.co.uk, where he came up with the idea to model the British version after its American parent, down to using the same language.

Eager to be promoted from a prat or a git to a full-fledged douchebag, Parker moved to Palo Alto, Calif., in order to relinquish first his British, then his American citizenship to avoid paying taxes on the 200 million pounds he earned from the IPO.

Jeff Mark, 26, drifted from PayPal to Facebook to MySpace to Compuserve to Netscape back to Compuserve. (He somehow managed to collect 200 million euros from the latter.)

The three men became inseparable--and insufferable--after a chance encounter at Bi-Nary, a macrobiotic air bar that caters to sexually indiscriminate coders.

"We were talking about how, even though douches run just about everything in multimedia, until recently, there weren't the authoring tools and the bandwidth and/or the tablet platform for douches to hook up to do douchey things," said Miron.

"Douches account for 33 percent of start-ups, which account for 82 percent of investor fleecing, which amounts to 126 percent of economic activity in the United States," points out Margot Jefferson, an analyst at D-Freak. "So the ability to connect douches across digital platforms using digital things is a game changer," she confirmed.

In a live Tweetathon, Mark said he was drawn to Douchenet less by the idea than by the people who came up with it.

"When you make an investment, you are betting on the team more than the idea," he said. "If the idea is wrong, but the team is right, they will figure it out."

"Who knows where this will end up?" he added.

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