Free To Do It 

The case for open-cursing

Warning: This column contains graphic language. Don't say we didn't warn you.

(I was recently invited to be interviewed by a roving editor from Decent Idaho Family Values Digest, a periodical that has yet to put out it's first issue, which is probably why you've never heard of it before now. This editor asked if I would care to begin with an opening statement. I said yes. Fearing the interview would never see the light of publication due to factors you will soon understand, I present it here in its entirety, including the opening statement.)

My opening statement: Fuck fuck fuck fuck, fuck fuck fuck? Fucking fuck fuck, and fuck fuck fuck! Fuckity fuck, fuckery fuck, and just plain fuck. And one more thing: Fuck!

Roving editor: How dare you! Why would you do that?

Me: Because I can. It's in the Constitution. And it's not back in the cheap seats like the Second Amendment, either. No ma'am, it's right up front in First Amendment row where the VIP liberties sit. I can say anything I want, and nobody can do a fucking thing to stop me. And if they do try to stop me, that means they're not abiding by the Constitution, which means they're unpatriotic fuckers.

Ed.: Just because you have the right to do something doesn't mean you should do it. What you've said here is offensive to millions of Americans. Doesn't that give you enough of a reason to control yourself?

Me: Nope. My rights are more important than what any timid fuckers might think when I exercise them. You show me where in the Constitution it says those people have a right not to hear words they don't want to hear. Uh-uh. You can't do it, because it's not there. Just like how it's not in the Constitution that Americans don't have to put up with hillbilly yahoo dopes toting guns into national parks or bars or college campuses. I can say any word I want, anywhere I want, and if they don't like it? ... fuck 'em!

Ed.: Couldn't you at least say "f***" instead of the real thing? Everyone would know what you mean, but it would be immensely more acceptable.

Me: Oh, I get it. You think I should be displaying my Constitutional right of free speech with disarmed "f" bombs. The heck with that. What good does a fuck filled with asterisks do me if something bad goes down? Like, you think screaming "F***!" is gonna work if I smash my thumb with a hammer? Sheesh! That's as dumb as carrying an unloaded Glock on my hip into a family restaurant.

Ed.: But there are so many things you could say instead. "Freaking," for instance. "Flipping." "Frakking." That's what they do on television.

Me: Yeah ... sure ... but it's not the same is it? Freaking, pffft! That's like some paranoid weenie deciding to leave the house with a steak knife in his back pocket or his kid's Louisville Slugger, instead of that snazzy nine-millimeter he blew $800 on. I say you don't compromise on the Constitution. If the Constitution says we can do something, we have a sacred fucking duty to do it. All the way, sister! None of this halfway crap just to keep a few million people from freaking out.

Ed.: And it doesn't bother you that your filthy words could end up in the mouths of children?

Me: Look, if I had my way, they'd be teaching kids the proper use of filthy words in school. Then the little darlings wouldn't be playing around with them at home when the parents are gone.

Ed.: I can't help but notice how you continually compare your free speech crusade to those gun advocates who are pushing for no restrictions whatsoever on where or when they can have firearms on them.

Me : What!? You must be fucking nuts! I don't know what you're talking about. Don't go lumping me in with those loopy gun nut fuckers.

Ed.: Be that as it may, gun advocates would argue that their right to openly carry firearms serves a vital function, which is exactly opposite your right to voice vile and unnecessary words in public. They insist that lives are saved and crimes aren't committed when they are allowed to have sidearms with them in all situations.

Me: Of course they say that. They like to argue that some dope goes to a pizza joint or a soccer game or church strapped with a six-shooter, and if nobody gets raped or killed or robbed while he's there, it has to be because of the six-shooter. But that's just the excuse they come up with, since none of them have the guts to admit they like to carry guns simply because guns turn them on. Notice how many of them like to have their Glocks hanging out there where everyone can see it? Huh? Think about it ... their "Glocks?" I tell ya what, some gun manufacturer would make a killing just by naming their next gun "The Big, Hard .45 Caliber Plick." Get it?

Anyway, I maintain that if responsible citizens were yelling "fuck" in public places, all day and all night, every day and every night, we could totally eliminate crime. Like, just the other day, I stomped through a bowling alley hollering "fuckfuckfuckfuck," and not one rape or murder happened in the place while I was there. See?

Ed.: That had nothing to do with you shouting obscenities, I'm sure.

Me: Prove it! I say it did! Which is every bit as valid as anything those gun birds claim. Plus, my way has the added benefit of not having a pistol in my pants for some criminal to take off me and shoot me with.

Ed.: Yet if you were trying to fend off a home invasion...

Me: I'd yell "Fuck" at the bastards. I might even get me one of those battery-powered megaphones so they're sure to hear me, even before they break down the door.

Ed.: What would that accomplish?

Me: OK, maybe nothing. But seeing as how the biggest share of the 16,000 yearly gun homicides are committed by family members, most people are about a zillion* times more likely to be shot by a drunked-up, pissed-off spouse than by some home invader. Especially if there's a handy gun in the house because they're so worried about home invaders. Following me?

Ed.: Frankly, I'm beginning to think you are certifiably unstable, to have such an unreasonable obsession with forcing the rest of us to accept such a foul word.

Me: Oh yeah!? Well the day lily-livered jack-boots like you tell me to give it up, you'll have to pry my last "fuck" from my cold, dead lips!

* Actual ratio: seven times more likely.

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