GO ON ... I KNOW YOU WANT TO • MORE REASONS TO INDULGE • SMELLS LIKE DEAD SPIRIT • NOW I REALLY WANT TO KILL MYSELF • I'M TOO SEXY FOR MY PANTS • WAIT, I CAN'T REMEMBER WHO I WAS THREATENING TO KILL O 

GO ON ... I KNOW YOU WANT TO

Last week, I reported that eating extremely large amounts of red hot chili peppers might prevent prostate cancer. This week, I have even better news and a much easier method of warding off the disease. A team of researchers in Australia has concluded that masturbating as often as possible while you are young also somehow helps prevent prostate cancer. Based on the surveys of over 2,300 men suffering from the disease, the team concluded that the protective effect of masturbation is at its greatest if a man ejaculates more than five times per week during his 20s. The researchers speculate that ejaculation flushes out the build up of carcinogens. (New Scientist)

MORE REASONS TO INDULGE

Researchers in Texas report that the combination of caffeine and alcohol seems to protect laboratory rats from suffering brain damage following a stroke. Meanwhile, in a different study reported in New Scientist, researchers found that moderate amounts of red wine help prevent the onset of hearing loss as you grow older.

SMELLS LIKE DEAD SPIRIT

The wait is almost over for all you Kurt Cobain fans wondering when your dead hero will finally be releasing some new material. According to psychic Victoria Bullis writing in the magazine Stuff, Cobain will be reborn within 15 years as a child prodigy of classical piano. Bullis also revealed that Cobain spent his last lifetime on Earth "tortured and depressed" because of a previous life in the 16th century when he "herded a bunch of people into the dungeon underneath a castle and let them all suffocate."

NOW I REALLY WANT TO KILL MYSELF

A 47-year-old German man who tried to commit suicide by jumping in front of a train is now being forced to pay several thousand dollars for the damage he caused during his little escapade. According to court testimony, the man tried to jump under the train but leapt too late and crashed through the side window of the driver's cabin, suffering only minor wounds. "Although the man was not guilty of a crime, there is a rule in the civil code which means that for reasons of equity, he had to pay for part of the damage," ruled the court, ordering him to pay half of the $5,325 damages. (Reuters)

I'M TOO SEXY FOR MY PANTS

Underwear manufacturer Jockey has finally designed a pair of underwear that will move with the wearer's skin in order to always cover up the crack in a man's ass and never expose innocent bystanders to the horrors of plumber's butt (or "builder's bum" as this seems to be called in the United Kingdom). Six thousand male bodies were measured in order to create a "stay put" shape that will prevent the pants from creeping below the beltline. "The builder's bum ... is officially going to be a thing of the past," stated the triumphant spokesperson for Jockey. (UTV Newswoom)

WAIT, I CAN'T REMEMBER WHO I WAS THREATENING TO KILL ONE SECOND AGO

Dutch inventors are working on a sound system that will drown out chanting soccer hooligans by blasting their own screams back at them at a slight delay. Experiments found that a carefully timed echo of a crowd's chanting played back to them would screw up their brains enough to make it almost impossible to chant insults and abuse at the players or opposing fans. However, the system if far from perfected, and most soccer clubs aren't willing to try it out in their own stadiums. "If you frustrate an audience by making it impossible to chant, you need to be very careful how you channel their frustration," said one of the researchers on this project. "If they stop chanting but start rioting out of frustration, then you're worse off." (New Scientist)

I'M NOT WASTING MY TIME SLEEPING, IT'S RESEARCH FOR MY NEXT NOVEL

Check out the Web site BrilliantDreams.com for a cool collection of 12 famous dreams that sparked new creations from writers, scientists, musicians and inventors. Among the creations who are credited to dreams are Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, the Beatles song "Yesterday," Kekulé's dreams of molecules and benzene structure, the sewing machine, and Stephen King's Misery.

Get more news at CuriousTimes.com.

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