Good Taste In Bad Beer 

Six brewers sample six bottom-shelf brews

Page 3 of 5


  • Kelsey Hawes


Rob: Apple, honey, Cheerios, high-school sluff days. They hop this thing three times--they use three entire cones.

Aaron: Smells like college. Sweet, corny nose; gross cardboard mouth. Fucking bad.

Cory: Smells like piss; kind of tastes like it, too. Sweet-smelling and tasting. Too sweet for my palate.

Paul: Sweet, grainy aroma. Sweet flavor, no hops whatsoever. Too sweet for me to drink regularly, or at all.

Lance: Like sex in a boat ["fucking close to water"], Corn Flakes, no hops. What do GMO's smell like? Tastes like some sort of Corn Flake sauce, but not in a good way.

Kerry: Sweet. It's not apple-y sweet, it's not corn sweet, it's just sweet. It's the one with the least flavor.


Rob: Grain husk, crisp, dry finish. Fishing with Dad. Very, veeeerrry light hop presence on the finish. It's the most familiar one I've tasted yet ... of the two we've tasted.

Aaron: Also smells like college. Less nose, more of a mouth than No. 1. A little bitterness. Fucking bad.

Cory: Not much aroma, which might be masked by [Lance] Chavez's smell [Editor's Note: Burn!] Smooth, a little dry with not a lot of flavor. Slight bitter finish.

Paul: Grainy, malty aroma. Dry, crisp, slight bitterness in finish. I'd drink this one on a hot day--lots of this one.

Lance: Dry, crisp, more mouth-feel; a little hops. I almost can smell a little bit of hops in there, but you gotta really try hard. ... I would say it has more flavor than the first one.

Kerry: Hoppier aroma, fizzy. Like if you left your apple juice in the car in the heat and tried to take a drink. A little too fizzy for me.

Coors Light:

Rob: Green apple dominates, light body, finishes too sweet. Jolly Rancher, that's almost all I get. Tastes like getting fired from a job, just before college.

Aaron: Skunked as fuck. No nose. Crisp and dry with no bitterness. Fucking bad.

Cory: Skunky flavor and aroma. Green apple.

Paul: Aroma: Green apples. It's really dry. Thin, dry finish with some apple flavor.

Lance: Skunky, like sex in a boat. It's hard to get past the green apple.

Kerry: Coors light?

Miller High Life:

Rob: Minerally nose that diminishes into a bouquet of wet cardboard. Flavor is stale applesauce, mineral water and a failed date. Definitely the least appetizing I've had yet.

Aaron: Sweet, adjuncty nose. Smells like wet cardboard. Fuck. Gross oxidized mouth. Fucking bad.

Cory: A little cardboard with slight sweetness.

Paul: Somewhat malty aroma--not objectionable. Cardboard notes in flavor--oxidation [stale]. Not a fan.

Lance: Cardboard, flat, papery. No damn flavor.

Kerry: Kind of smells hoppy, comparatively speaking. Champagne of Beers?

Keystone Light:

Rob: Green apple cider nose; watered down green apple cider flavor. Good, cheap alternative to bottled water. Notes of Aquafina. It's smooth like Keith Stone. Good luck to you finding anything in this one.

Aaron: Green apple smell. Dry finish. Doesn't even taste like fucking beer. Real fucking bad.

Cory: Not much aroma at all. Very sweet water. I think it's the sweetest one. This beer could kill it as a bottled water.

Paul: Tastes like water--very low malt character. Not very beer-like anywhere in this one. "No bitter beer face."

Lance: Sweet, watery. I'd have been better at this when I was 18 or 19 when I used to drink these all the time.

Kerry: Smells like apple cider; lightest color.


Rob: At this point, I'm not sure how much it matters. Grassy, grainy, apple sweetness. Stale applesauce.

Aaron: I give up. Sweet, gross nose. Mouth isn't bad. No bitterness. Fuck macro, drink local. Fuck.

Cory: Grain with some skunk. Tastes stale. Corn flavor.

Paul: Somewhat skunky aroma--grassy like lawn clippings. Big corn flavor; no hops.

Lance: Tastes like the rest of them; super light.

Kerry: Corn sweetness. Creamed corn in a cup.

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