Heck Goes to the Fair 

I went to the Western Idaho Fair on Sunday. First I went to the livestock barns and petted a mule. Then I talked to a Jersey milk cow. Then I smacked a pig on the ass. Then I saw the coolest purebred Dorset ram ever. Then I lost $2 at a booth because I couldn't shoot a BB machine gun straight enough. Then I drank a $7 beer and ate a Pronto Pup. Then I taunted the Republicans and Democrats and teamsters and army recruiters by feigning interest in joining them. Then I went by the Baptist booth and picked up some comics about why dead baseball players and passengers on the Titanic are in hell. Then I looked at the prize-winning crafts like ceramic dragons and cross-stitched leprechaun teddy bears and Roman shields and mirrors with antlers for frames and tie-dyed stirrup pants and race cars made out of ketchup bottles and walking sticks with demons for heads and baby dolls in wedding dresses and more ceramic dragons. Then I went to the petting zoo and petted a zebu and a cebu and an angora goat and a water buffalo and a burro and a Brahma bull and a mountain goat named "BW Whiskers." Then I went on the the scariest ride at the whole fair. Then I bought some cheese brogies, but they were really just mozzarella sticks, so I also ate a hamburger with fried onions to make me feel better. Then I ate half of an ice cream potato. Then a clown with a British accent made me a balloon giraffe, and she asked if it was for my girlfriend, and I said that the giraffe was my girlfriend, and she said "Better it than me" or something like that. Then I drank a 32-ounce iced tea in a tent while some guy sang Journey songs. Then I ate some fries and part of a smoked turkey leg and a frozen banana with toffee chunks on it. Then I got my name airbrushed on a trucker hat, and then I went to an award ceremony for donkeys and then I went home and I couldn't sleep.

--Nicholas Collias

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