HOW TO BUILD A BOOB • TITILLATING PHONE CALLS • BECAUSE THE REGULAR NEWS ISN'T DEPRESSING ENOUGH • HELLHOLES ON EARTH • OKTOBERFESTS • DON'T PEE AND DRIVE 

HOW TO BUILD A BOOB

One of Britain's top plastic surgeons claims to have created a template for the perfect boob job. After carefully studying the breasts of thousands of top celebrities, Dr. Patrick Mallucci came to the conclusion that the perfect boob has an upper half that is just a bit smaller than the lower half and has a nipple that points slightly skywards. "The ideal is a 45 to 55 per cent proportion—that is, the nipple sits not at the half-way mark down the breast, but at least 45 per cent from the top," claims the doctor. He also went on to judge the breasts of some of Britain's top celebrities, crowning model Caprice Bourret as having the nicest set and handing the ultimate insult to Victoria Beckham (Posh Spice) for having "unnaturally round" globes. Mallucci presented his findings in a research paper titled "Concept Design for Breast Augmentation," which he says is all about "wanting to create something as close to perfection as possible." (Daily Mail)

TITILLATING PHONE CALLS

But there may be a better way to expand your cup size without going under the knife. A Japanese guru who became famous for helping members of a notorious doomsday cult return to normal life is now trying to cash in on his fame with a bizarre invention—a cell phone ring tone that he claims will help a women's breasts grow bigger. Hideto Tomabechi claims that the ring tone he has invented contains subliminal sounds which "make the brain and body move unconsciously." He calls the ring tones "positive brainwashing," and he is currently working on other sounds that will help people quit smoking, combat baldness, and find a lover. At least one person expressed satisfactory results with the strange invention. "I listened to the tune for a week expecting all the time that I was being duped," one woman told a Japanese newspaper, "But, incredibly, my 34-inch bust grew to 35 inches. It was awesome." (The Register UK)

BECAUSE THE REGULAR NEWS ISN'T DEPRESSING ENOUGH

Since it's still 2007, I can't figure out how Project Censored has managed to release their list of "The Top 25 Censored News Stories of 2008," but they have. Anyway, for the news masochists among you, go directly to ProjectCensored.org and get the grim details on some of these headlines: Bush Moves Toward Martial Law; U.S. Military Control of Africa's Resources; Frenzy of Increasingly Destructive Trade Agreements; Vulture Funds Threaten Poor Nations‚ Debt Relief; Immigrant Roundups to Gain Cheap Labor for US Corporate Giants; Impunity for U.S. War Criminals; Drinking Water Contaminated by Military and Corporations.

HELLHOLES ON EARTH

The next time you're about to complain about garbage in the streets, just be grateful you don't live in one of the Top 10 World's Worst Polluted Places as tabulated by an environmental watchdog group called the Blacksmith Institute. Stay away from these dumps: Sumgayit, Azerbaijan; Linfen, China; Tianying, China; Sukinda, India; Vapi, India; La Oroya, Peru; Dzerzhinsk, Russia; Norilsk, Russia; Chernobyl, Ukraine; and Kabwe, Zambia. More information about the causes of the filth and some ugly photos can be found at BlacksmithInstitute.org.

OKTOBERFESTS

We return now to the "Any Excuse to Party" files with this collection of October holidays that you probably don't yet celebrate. According to Internet lore, Oct. 2 is Name Your Car Day, Oct. 9 is Moldy Cheese Day, Oct. 12 is International Moment of Frustration Scream Day, and, of course, Oct. 25 is Punk For a Day Day. Cheers!

DON'T PEE AND DRIVE

A German company has created a piss-controlled driving game hooked up to men's urinals in pubs and bars. The purpose of the game is to remind drunks that it's probably a bad idea to drive home. The game begins as soon as you begin to pee, and then you steer the car by relieving yourself in the direction of where you want the car to go. "Obviously the more drunk you are, the slower your response, reinforcing the effects of alcohol to the gamer," states the Web site. "The game ultimately culminates in a shocking crash-sequence, leaving the viewer with little doubt as to the repercussions of driving while drunk." (Piss-Screen.de)

INTERNET FACT OF THE WEEK

60 people a year are seriously injured while putting on their socks.

More bizarro news at CuriousTimes.com.

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