July 28 2004 

EVIL EXTRATERRESTRIAL ALERT

As you know, I like to keep my readers abreast of the ever-shifting date of the end of the world. With that in mind, you might not want to make any important plans for September 29, when a race of evil extraterrestrials will begin the destruction of planet Earth. Self-proclaimed E.T. expert Dr. Terry Johnson, a minister from the Holy Splendor church in Long Beach, California, claims that the excitement will begin with an earthquake in Guadalajara, Mexico, which will be helped along by a giant "kamikaze" spacecraft that will slam into the faultline in order to set off a global chain reaction of earthquakes and volcanic eruptions that will ultimately destroy our entire planet. In order to stop the impending doom, Dr. Johnson leads his church in weekly prayer circles in which they ask God to save the souls of the various alien races which are bent on destroying us. He believes that if enough people send peace messages to the aliens they might just cancel their dastardly plan and "work with us, instead of against us." And if that doesn't work, he claims there is one more hope in the form of an army of human abductees who have created a resistance force and are learning to fly UFOs. (ncbuy.com)

I GUESS THEY'RE ALL WINNERS, AFTER ALL

Now that the Olympic Games are mere weeks away, the debate about whether or not athletes should have sex before competition has once again be re-opened. Whereas most coaches still frown upon sex before events (if only because it reduces the athletes focus, if not their strength), others are embracing the future. During the Barcelona games, doctors at a Jerusalem sex clinic actually advised the female athletes on the Israeli team to have sex before events because, they said, "Women compete better after orgasm, especially high-jumpers and runners." The German team physician also endorses sex amongst the athletes, and a Russian psychologist was quoted as saying, "It's simple ... more sex means more gold." The debate is probably meaningless anyway, as former Olympic athletes have described the athletes' village as a two-week hedonist sex resort. "There's a lot of sex going on," said Breaux Green, and athlete from the Sydney Games, "you get a lot of people who are in shape, and, you know, testosterone's up and everybody's attracted to everybody." Another former athlete offered this euphemism: "It's not an orgy, but it is socially vigorous." (

The Scotsman

)

MARK OF THE BEAST UPDATE

As you know if you are a regular reader of this column, the infiltration of microchips into the human population continues ... So far, we've seen chips implanted into pets in order to help locate them if they get lost. This was rapidly followed by paranoid rich folks implanting microchips in their kids in case they went missing or were kidnapped. Last year, VeriChip rolled out the "Chipmobile" which has been touring the South microchipping senior citizens with implants which carry their medical records. And the latest sucker is Mexico's attorney general, who told reporters last week that he had received a nonremovable microchip in his arm in order to give him secure and exclusive access to a new computerized crime database and to help find him if he is ever abducted. Attorney General Rafael Macedo also confirmed that as many as 160 Mexican government employees will also receive implants in the near future. (CNN)

GUNS, BILLY CLUBS, HAIRY UPPER LIPS

Police officers in India have discovered a new secret weapon in fighting crime ... large moustaches. According to the

Indian Express

officers in Madhya Pradesh are growing massive moustaches in order to join an elite 50-member team of officers that has had great success keeping the crime rate down with their hairy upper lips. Officers discovered the tactic after finding the criminals with large moustaches tend to intimidate their victims more, and the police hope this will work in their favor to intimidate criminals as well. "These men would patrol sensitive pockets in the district on motorcycles, employing psychological tactics against criminals and keeping them at bay," said a senior official, "though guns and thick moustaches had been traditionally associated with bandits dwarfing their victims psychologically, this 'warfare' would be employed against criminals here." :

Get waaaay more bizarre news at www.curioustimes.com.

Pin It
Favorite

Comments


Comments are closed.


Submit an Event

Today's Pick

Meridian Dairy Days

© 2017 Boise Weekly

Website powered by Foundation