March 29, 2006 

THE POLICE CAN'T HELP YOU—IT'S TIME FOR MERMAIDS AND BULL GENITALS

Here's yet another from the "Scams You Wouldn't Think Could Possibly Work" files. A Zimbabwean "healer" has been found guilty of conning a businesswoman out of $30,000 in order to pay for mermaids who would be able to recover her stolen car. According to court testimony, the money was supposed to be spent on importing mermaids from the United Kingdom and accommodating them in a Zimbabwean hotel. The rest of the money was to be used to pay for a bull, whose genitals were somehow supposed to help the mermaids find the thief of the businesswoman's luxury vehicle.

A SUCKER DIES EVERY MINUTE

A man in New Athens, Illinois, has set up a service to try to connect the recently dead with their still-living relatives. His idea, Afterlife Telegrams, finds terminally ill patients who are taught to memorize messages and are asked to try to deliver them to their relatives after they pass away. At AfterlifeTelegrams.com, you can order the service for five bucks a word, but before you waste your money, remember that even the inventor of this concepts admits "we cannot rule out the possibility that there could be no afterlife at all."

GAG ME WITH A GEORGE

And if you really want to lose your appetite, check out these hideous photoshopped images of Dubya's head on various supermodel bodies, at HereInReality.com/wgirls.

IF YOU MUST WASTE YOUR MONEY, SEND IT TO ME

Another warning has been issued to gullible consumers who purchase miraculous-sounding health products over the net. Basically the warning is this: the Internet is loaded with scams and virtually every offer that sounds too good to be true is designed to part you with your cash. No kidding! But for those of you who insist on wasting your money, the International Marketing Supervision Network has set up a Web site at www.econsumer.gov where complaints can be filed. Among the top health scams reported to the IMSN are multi-colored shirts that claim to make you smarter, lotions and fragrances which will spice up your sex life, salt crystal lamps to enhance your immune system, fountain of youth treatments to turn back the aging process, magnetic fields to help cure AIDS and dozens more.

IT'S A SAFE BET THAT CEOs ARE CHEATING ON THEIR WIVES

Police have arrested a 35-year-old Korean man who had copied a successful scam carried out by a Japanese man who raked in about 220 million yen by randomly sending letters to corporate executives threatening to expose their extramarital affairs if they didn't pay up. He had sent 250 copies of the letter, which read "I am working with a pornography business, and I have secured evidence that you committed adultery. Unless you send 1 million won to me, I will publicize it," and he had already received about $7,500 by the time police caught up with him. (Korea Herald)

TAKE TWO ASPIRIN AND SHAVE EVERY MORNING

I love it when scientists reveal studies with conclusions for which they haven't got the foggiest clue. This week researchers at Bristol University found that men who don't shave every day have are 70 percent more likely to have a stroke than men who shave every day. It took them 20 years to find this out, but they admit that even with 20 years of research they don't know why they found these results. Interestingly, they also found that men who don't shave every day have fewer orgasms, are shorter than daily shavers and tend to suffer from angina. Can you say huh? (Reuters)

DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER, AND SO IS DEATH

A company called LifeGem is offering up a service to turn your dead relatives into diamonds. The company has perfected a technique by which it takes the carbon left over by a human body after it is cremated, and turns it into a .25-carat blue diamond. The process takes about 16 weeks, in which the remains are heated to about 3,000 degrees Celsius and then pressed under intense pressure and heat to create the synthetic diamond. The cost is about $4,000. The company figures it will hit it big in Japan, where about 98 percent of stiffs are cremated. Check it out at LifeGem.com.

Get waaay more bizarro news at www.curioustimes.com.

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