Minerva's Breakdown 

Advice for those on the verge

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Dear Minerva,

What does one do with a vibrator that was won in a recent raffle? Asking for a friend.

—BOB

Dear BOB,

It is a great day and age to be alive, isn't it? We live in a world that has vibrators aplenty! What does one do with a vibrator? Well, here's the buzz:

1. Buy some batteries. Have some fun by your lonesome.

2. Buy some batteries. Have some fun with your lover.

3. Is your tortoise constipated? Tape a vibrator to the underside of its shell. Google it. It is a thing.

4. Send it anonymously to your least favorite person or politician. Tell them you think they need to lighten up a bit.

5. Gather glue, glitter, googly eyes and pompoms. Create your very own buzzing character. Give it a cute name. Put on puppet shows. Make YouTube videos. #LifeGoals

6. Three words: White Elephant Gift.

7. Sneak it into various family members' houses and hide it in weird places. When they go to unload the dishwasher—SURPRISE! When they go to get a bath towel—SURPRISE!

8. Misplaced your rolling pin? Flour it up and roll that dough. Pound out those biscuits. Tenderize that tough piece of meat.

9. Hide it inside a pinata at an adult party! Better yet, use it to WHACK the pinata and unleash the sweet goodies within.

Vibrators are the gift that keeps giving.

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