Mr. Cope's Cave: Absolutely Not About the 23 Dimwits Who Voted Against the Uniform Interstate Family Support Act 

We can relax, ladies and gentlemen—except for you deadbeat dad gentlemen, that is. And of course, if you're a deadbeat dad, you're no f***ing gentleman, are you? So you can just go back to pins and needles like you deserve—at least, until you cough up the money you owe for supporting your kids, jerk off! How's it feel, being the kind of man your children are better off without, huh? You proud of yourself, you scummy tw...

Oh dear. Pardon me, I seemed to have veered off course there. All I meant to do was to offer a qualified appreciation to those dutiful legislators of ours who have taken the time from their busy, busy schedules back in Huckleberry Patch, Dead Ute Valley, and Rocky Rocks to assemble once again here in Boise and do what they did not do earlier, which is to pass the Uniform Interstate Family Support Act. Good for you, Idaho's wisest. You did something right, and it only took you five months to do it.

Ah, but then nobody's ever accused Idaho lawmakers of being greyhounds, have they? Nah, if Idaho lawmakers were an animal, I think we'd have to go with sloths. No! Slugs! Yup, slugs. Goes real slow and leaves a slimy trail. That's our Legislature.

But at least this time, the outcome will actually benefit an Idahoan or two. Or 183,000 Idahoans, if estimates are correct. And better yet... they're kids. One hundred, eighty-three thousand kids, who have already experienced the misfortune of having their parents split up. What they don't need now is some wastrel crapsack of a father trying to skip out on his child support obligations.

So, except for the 23 dimwits who voted against the bill, let us give a cheery tip of the thumbs-up hat to the elected men and women who finally...

Mr. Cope, are you ready to talk about Yik Yak yet?

Good Christ! Scared the shit out of me!

Oh I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I thought you saw me coming.

Hell, no, I didn't see you coming. I'm in the middle of a blog here. I was concentrating, dammit!

Well that's what I wanted to talk to you about. You promised me an interview about Yik Yak. And my boss really wants your views on Yik Yak. And you're the one who brought it up in the first place, remember? That was... like... two interviews ago.

Yeah yeah yeah yeah. I know. But I've got things to say about that special legislative session. Particularly, the 23 dimwits who voted against the Uniform Interstate Family Support Act. And it's still fresh news. Only four days old.

That's the point, Mr. Cope. If we keep putting off the Yik Yak interview, nobody will even remember why it's a thing. Know what I mean? Can't you put off what you want to say about the 23 dimwits who voted against the Uniform Interstate Family Support Act until next week? Pretty please?

Yeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwooooooooooooooooooooooh fine! F***! But you have to remind me... what was it that got me to bring up this Yik Yak crap in the first place?

Uh, I'm not entirely sure... since you're the one who brought it up...but I think it had to do with the story about how the College of Idaho was trying to keep the Yik Yak app off their campus over there, because it is so often used to troll other students, as schools all over the country have discovered.

OK... OK... and now remind me what an "app" is. And a "troll."

Golly, Mr. Cope, you don't even know what an app is?

Just tell me, goddammit!

An app is any computer program you can use for a specific purpose, like weather forecast apps, and Google map apps, and...

OK, OK... I knew that.

And a troll is a person who uses social media to say mean, hurtful, threatening things about other people, usually under the cloak of...

OK... OK. I got it. Under the cloak of anonymity!

Yes, anonymity. And you had me write down something to read back to you so's you'd remember what you wanted to say. "Nasty, over-indulged little spoiled pukes who insist on claiming a right that doesn't exist."

Ah, OK. That's right. Now I remember what I wanted to say about Yik Yak. Here it is: "Nasty, over-indulged little spoiled pukes who insist on claiming a right that doesn't exist." That's all I wanted to say.

Huh? But that doesn't explain anything!

OK... OK... how 'bout this?... "Nasty, over-indulged little spoiled cowardly pukes who insist on claiming a right that doesn't exist."

Mr. Cope, gosh! You have to be a little more specific. Like, who do you mean by "Nasty, over-indulged little spoiled pukes who insist on claiming a right that doesn't exist?"

Those trolls you were taking about. Those techie dog turds who say those mean, hurtful, threatening things about other people. They wouldn't do that if they weren't nasty. It's self explanatory. Nasty minds, nasty souls. And I'm assuming they are young, if not in years, then in intellect. Responsible, mature adults simply wouldn't do what they do. And if they weren't over-indulged and spoiled... had they been raised right by decent people... they would know how to behave, hopefully. I don't want to believe all young people are like that. And it should be obvious that they are cowardly.

Because... ?

Because they hide their nasty, pukey identities under the cloak of anonymity, which is the right they claim that doesn't exist.

You don't believe they should have the freedom of expression to be nasty pukes?

Oh sure, they have the right to express their nasty puke insults until their dried-up little black hearts stop beating. What they don't have is a right to hide behind fake names and cyberjunk. Show me in any constitution, anywhere, where it says people have a right to humiliate and bully others without identifying themselves. In fact, if there is an authentic civil right at stake here, it's the one about being able to face your accuser, isn't it?

But the right to privacy...

Privacy hasn't got a f***ing thing to do with it, Opie. And if it did, whose privacy is being violated, huh?... the nasty coward-ass puke who might have to sign his real name to his nastiness if he wants to keep it up?... or the person he's demeaning and abusing in such a public way?

Then it's not specifically Yik Yak you have a beef with.

No, no. It's with any and every Internet site that allows anonymous comments. Every f***ing one of them. I realize we can't stop vile pricks from being vile pricks. But we don't have to let them hide their rotten selves behind virtual disguises. If they want to express themselves, let them do it out in the open. Out where we can all see what kind of trash we may be living next to. Or working with. Or going to church with. Or...

Jeepers, Mr. Cope. That could conceivably cut Internet content by jillions and jillions of words.

Oh, my. Wouldn't that be a shame.
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