Mr. Cope's Cave: And Now, The One and Only... 

You going to watch the Oscars, Mr. Cope?

Nah. Not my thing.

I thought you liked movies.

Yeah, I like movies. Not all of 'em, but a lot of 'em.

But don't you want to know if the movies you like win the award?

Junior, if I like a movie, I'm going to continue to like it whether it wins an Oscar or not. And if I don't like a movie, I'm not going to like it any better just because it won something.

Mr. Cope, I know for a fact you're one of those people who usually waits for a movie to go rental.

Yeah. What's your point?

So don't you see many of the movies after the awards have been announced?

Actually, I see most of the movies after the awards have been announced. Sometimes I don't see them until after two or three years worth of awards have been announced. Why, there's a couple of movies I've been waiting to see since so far back, I can't remember if there were even awards around then to win or not.

But aren't you more likely to rent an Oscar-winning movie than something that didn't even get nominated?

Probably. But I don't need to watch the Oscars to know what won and what didn't.

But all the stars! All the glamour! You don't miss seeing all those famous people on the red carpet? You don't want to see them all together in the theater, laughing it up and being beautiful? Making their acceptance speeches? Posing in their designer dresses? Giving each other standing ovations?

Alfalfa, there's only one place I find movie stars very interesting, and that's in the movies. Other than that, as a general rule, I find it's better not to watch them being themselves. Sometimes, knowing how they really are is too hard to forget when their next movie comes out.

You mean like Mel Gibson?

Yeah. That's a good place to start.

So you have no interest at all in watching how any of them behave at a big deal like the Oscar Awards?

Uh, mostly. There are a few people I'd like to see being themselves, but I'm not sure I'd know them if I saw them.

Like who?

Oh, there's that one woman who plays Gwyneth Paltrow and Cameron Diaz. I'd really like to see her when she wasn't playing the part of one or the other of those two.

Huh? Uh, Mr. Cope, Gwyneth Paltrow and Cameron Diaz are two separate people. There's no one playing the part of being them.

Sure there is. Jeez, Stymie, I thought everyone knew that. And she also plays the part of that Jennifer Anisman... Anister... Anissss-something.


Yeah. Her. I tell ya' what, whoever she is, she's as versatile as anyone in Hollywood.

That's crazy, Mr. Cope. Those are all different...

The other one I'd like to get a look at is the one who plays Charlize Theron, Angelina Jolie and, uh... what's 'er name... oh, Ashley Judd. She's pretty good too. Not as good, I don't think, as the lady who does Nicole Kidman, Elizabeth Shue and Naomi Watts. But good, nevertheless.

What are you talking about? They don't even look alike. Much.

Well of course she wouldn't look like Naomi Watts when she's doing Nicole Kidman or Elizabeth Shue. That's the magic of Hollywood, you ninny. Those make-up artists are magicians, when you think about it. A little make-up, hair dye, wardrobe, wigs, elevator shoes, padded bras and such. Why, look at what they can do with the young lady who plays Natalie Portman and Keira Knightly. Amazing! Or the one who plays Glenne Headly and Joan Cusack. There's some genius, I tell ya'.

Mr. Cope, have you fallen down and bonked your head lately?

Not that I remember, Spanky. Why do you ask?

If you don't mind me saying so, you talk like either you're doing some sort of illegal drug, or maybe you aren't doing enough of a legal one. But one way or the other, you're being awfully sexist.

Sexist! What do you mean... sexist! How the hell am I being sexist?

You're making it sound like you can't tell the difference between one woman and another.

Oh, horse crap! I just haven't gotten around to the male actors who play the parts of different movie stars, that's all.

The male actors who play the parts of other male actors?

Yeah. Like there's the kid who was Jesse what'shisname in that one movie...


Yeah... him. And in that other movie, he was Michael Sousa... Sierra... Ssssssee-something.

You mean Michael Cera. 

That's it. Those two are obviously played by the same person. And I'm pretty sure that the guy who does Bradley Cooper and Tom Hardy is also the same guy who plays that Gerard Butler dude. And he may even be the person who plays Russell Crowe. You know... with some rubber jowls glued on. And then there's the man who does Matt Damon and Mark Walberg, of course.

Matt Damon is not the same person as Mark Walberg, Mr. Cope! Good gosh, they were even in a movie together, Remember? The Departed? Where Mark Walberg shot Matt Damon at the end? How could that be if they were the same person, huh? Huh!?

Darla, haven't you ever heard of split screen? They're so good at it anymore, you can hardly see the line. Think about those Apollo 13 scenes inside the space capsule. You know, where the guy who plays Tom Hanks was sitting right next to himself playing Bill Paxton. Tell you what, that was the best split-screen effect I've ever seen.

Oh my goodness. Would you mind if I changed the subject. Mr. Cope. This conversation is making me feel uncomfortable.

You go right ahead, Porkie. What do you want to talk about now?

OK, what's the best movie you saw last year?

Ah. That's easy. Cop Car.

Cop Car? I never heard of it.

Yeah, it didn't get a lot of attention. And I don't want to say it was the best movie ever. But it was as good as anything else I saw last year, and way better than most.

So who was in it?

Oh, it was the guy who plays Kevin Bacon and that Michael Fatsbinder... Facebooker... Fasssssss-something.


Yeah. Him.
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