Mr. Cope's Cave: Oh, Jeb! Just One More Thing... 

Dear Jeb,

Thanks for running for president. I never wanted you to win, of course. Your mom was right a year ago; we have had enough Bushs in the White House. Definitely. In fact, there are millions and millions of us who believe we've had one too many Bushs in the White House.

However, we'd always heard you were the "smart one" and I, for one, am more than happy to encourage any rare flutter of intelligence still remaining in the Republican Party. I suppose that if what you represented in your campaign style can be called "intelligent," it will have to do.

Certainly, it is true that you proposed considerably more policy than others in the GOP race. I'm not convinced Trump even knows what "policy" means. What an ape, huh? And what with all the theocratic fascism out of Cruz and the puerile sniveling out of Rubio, it must be embarrassing as hell to get whomped so thoroughly by such goons. Even though your idea of innovative policy changes sounded pretty much like the same stale drool we've gotten from every Republican candidate going back to Reagan, it was still more coherent than the clash of the cretins going on between the front-runners.

And look, you shouldn't slink back to Kennebunkport or wherever it is you live these days, all worried and upset that the American people will forever remember you for being "low energy" or "dumb as a rock," as Trump portrayed you. I'd guess that within a few weeks the American people won't remember you for anything at all.

Or in the unlikely event they do, I'm sure it will come with a big dose of pity. You know what I mean... for the sad guy who had to ask an audience to clap for his speech and was Trump's hapless punching bag during the debates. Actually, now that I think about it, I wouldn't be surprised if you come to be seen as the "Charlie Brown" of the 2016 race. Know what I mean? The forlorn, dumpy kid standing out on the pitcher's mound in the rain, waiting for his demographic to show up. Hah hah, I can almost see a political cartoon with Trump holding a football for you to kick. Poor Jebby.

So goodbye, have a good rest of your life and I hope you find something useful to do with it. Maybe you could take up painting in your retirement. You know... like that brother of yours. I'm sure your mommy would be thrilled to have your masterpieces hanging on the refrigerator along with his.

Oh, before you fade into utter oblivion, there is one more thing. During your concession speech Saturday, you said something so unbelievably dense and disgusting that I had to go looking for it on the Internet to make sure I'd heard right. Pardon me if I get any of it wrong, but the gist of it went something like this:

"Over the last seven years, our nation's bright light has become little more than a flicker. We've retreated from the world stage. The American values that have brought peace and opportunity are fading."

Now, clear this up for me. When you say "the American values that have brought peace and opportunity," are those the same values your dipshit brother demonstrated when he brought utter chaos to the Middle East and the economy?

And by "over the last seven years, our nation's bright light has become little more than a flicker," was that to imply that President Obama could actually find something left to f*** up that hadn't already been f***ed up beyond all belief by Dubya?

Seriously, Jeb, I can understand a guy not wanting to publicly implicate a member of his family in some of the most criminal, destructive blunders in American history. But hey, to squirt some weak shit like that... to lay the abysmal failures of that dunce you call "bro" at the feet of Obama—a president and a man so superior in every way to George—why, it just makes you look... well... I gotta say it... it makes you look as dumb as a rock.

And you know what? I have a feeling that, while the presidency of George W. Bush has cursed and will continue to curse our country for years to come, it will curse your family for a lot longer. There's no way to back out of that, is there, Jebby? While your legacy amounts to little more than a fart in the wind, George's is here to stay.

Good luck and yours truly,

A guy who doesn't forget.
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