Mr. Cope's Cave: The Other Flag. (No, Not That One.) 

What're you drawing there, Mr. Cope?

Oh, hi, Sparky. Missed you Friday.


No. Just kidding. But I was a little surprised you weren't here.

I had to go find something for my dad for Fathers' Day. He's almost impossible to shop for.

One of those guys who already has everything he needs, huh?

That 's him. He doesn't want much and if he sees something he does want, he goes and buys it himself. So come Fathers' Day or his birthday and Christmas, I always have to go looking for something he may appreciate having, but doesn't know about.

So what did you end up getting him?

Jockey shorts.

Good call, Junior. Can't go wrong with underwear. Now, what did you ask me?

About what you're drawing. I've never seen you draw before.

Ah, I was just trying to sketch out another flag South Carolina might want to hang over its capitol.

You mean, instead of that Stars and Bars Confederate flag?

No, no. I mean to hang alongside the Stars and Bars. I got to thinking about how many American traitors and terrorists aren't represented by the Confederate flag. So I'm designing one that enshrines their tradition.

Uh, say that again?

Yeah, you know. Like Sacco and Vanzetti, the bank-robbing, murdering anarchists? And the Rosenbergs, and the American Nazis and Benedict Arnold. They all were treacherous against the U.S. in their own ways, right? The Klan and John Brown and that Nidal Hasan guy who killed all those union soldiers down in Texas a few years back. Then there's Richard Butler's Aryan Nation bunch and Aaron Burr... he tried to secede from the country, too, you know... and Aldrich Ames and Robert Hanssen and...

Mr. Cope... you're designing a flag for them?

Sure! Why not? All they did was undermine the United States of America with either treason, violence or both. And look, the Confederacy got more Americans killed than all our other wars combined, and tore this country apart like never before or since. I say if they deserve to have their legacy treated like an honorable thing, then surely these other terrorists and traitors have earned the same privilege. I'm gonna send my final design down to Mississippi, too. Between them and South Carolina, it's hard to tell which state is the most shameless.

But... but the Confederacy defenders would say their ancestors did what they did out of conscience.

Oh sure they say that now. But we all know it's bullshit. Southerners did what they did to protect their "right" to keep slaves. In other words, they did what they did to preserve an immoral and abominable economic system. So how's that so different from John Walker and Robert Hanssen selling out America for Soviet cash?

Gosh, Mr. Cope. A lot of people aren't going to like this idea. It's like everyone in the country, no matter what their politics are, will be mad at you for one reason or another.

Ah, well. I guess that's the price we have to pay for showing respect for those who betray their nation. Now, give me your opinion on something. I'm thinking about putting a yellow rental truck in the center with the words, "Don't Tread On Me or I Will Blow Up a Federal Building and Kill Your Children" just below it. What d'ya' think?

I think that's a horrible idea, Mr. Cope. The only heritage Timothy McVeigh gave us is of horror and needless carnage.

Yeah. That's exactly what I was thinking. It's like McVeigh was a one-man Confederacy, huh?
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