Mr. Cope's Cave: The Right Remedy for the Right Times 

Mr. Cope, do you think there will ever be a Jon Stewart on the Right?

You mean, like a smart, undeniably funny, quick-witted, comedian-slash-news analyst who can summarize a story, an issue or an entire societal or political trend in five minutes or less, and do it not only with a keen understanding of the separate elements, history and environment that constitute the topic, but do it with an intelligent and original humor that rises from the topic itself, rather than from a background of preconceived dogma, prejudice, mythology and rumor, and also to do it with the integrity to recognize that corruption, hypocrisy and stupidity can be found on all sides of the political spectrum... only he, or she, does it from a conservative platform rather than a liberal platform?

Uh, yes. That's what I mean. I think.

No.

Just... no?

Yes. Just no. It'll never happen.

Um, then are you saying there are no conservatives funny enough? Or are you saying there are no conservatives smart enough? Or is it that there are no conservatives honest enough?

Yes.

Just... yes?

Yes. There are no conservatives funny, smart and honest enough for there to ever be a Jon Stewart coming out of the Right. To be a Jon Stewart, it takes all three. And any conservative that was funny, smart and honest wouldn't be a conservative.

That's a pretty broad statement, Mr. Cope.

Yeah, I suppose. But in my experience, some of the best statements are broad.

So can you prove it?

I don't need to prove it, Tweedy. All you have to do is look at what passes for humor, intelligence and integrity on the Right, and you'll understand the one thing Jon Stewart had going for him, without which there could never have been a phenomenon like Jon Stewart.

Aaaand... that one thing was?

The Right, don't you see it? The Right, itself. There were other kebobs to be shished, to be sure. And he skewered them when they came up. But the Right was the fuel that powered his engine. The ice on which he skated. The pool into which he dived. The...

OK, Mr. Cope. I get your point.

The meat and potatoes on his plate. The wind beneath his wings. The field in which he plowed. The...

Mr. Cope! Enough metaphors, please.

Urp, sorry Bucky. You know me... I get to metaphoring, and can't stop. But it's so true. In a more reasonable political atmosphere... in a place where fools would be laughed off the stage instead being given leading roles... in a time when rational discourse and demonstrable fact is given heed over conspiratorial claptrap... in a milieu where the most outrageous and radical behavior would be disdained rather than rewarded... Jon Stewart would have been just another comedian. But a comedian is only as good as his material, right? And for 16 years, the Right has provided Stewart with a steady, rich diet of incompetence, lies, ridiculous people and absurd ideology. You could almost say it was inevitable that a Jon Stewart would arise in such an unhealthy, unnatural zeitgeist. It's like antibodies reacting to an infection.

So... like... the Right is a disease? And Stewart was the cure?

Yes, definitely. That's a great way of putting it, Sylvester.

But the Right is still here, Mr. Cope. And Jon Stewart is gone.

Well... yeah. But I didn't claim he was a miracle drug, did I? Besides, if I'm right about him being a natural reaction to a sick condition, there'll be others.

But you don't believe any of them could possibly come from the Right.

Nope, not a chance. Junior, that would be like a carpet trying shampoo itself. Or a cow trying to milk itself. Or a criminal choosing to be his own prosecutor. Or a punchline telling its own joke. Or a self-flushing toilet. Or a...

See you later, Mr. Cope.

...bag of garbage trying to carry itself out to the trash cans. Or a chicken trying to roast herself. Or a pick-pocket picking his own pockets. Or...
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