Mr. Cope's Cave: What About Bernie Sanders? 

What about Bernie Sanders?

What about Bernie Sanders?

Aren't you worried he might trip up Hillary?

Trip up? Trip up? What does that mean?... trip up Hillary.

You know. Like, that he might throw cold water on her unbeatableness. That he might be a monkey wrench in her victory machine. That, like, he might derail her inevitability train.

What I think he will do, Junior, is present her with an opportunity to clearly demonstrate why voters will be eager to choose her to be president, and he will do it by challenging her with a respectful, intelligent and cogent opposition, which she will answer, I have little doubt, with a respectful, intelligent and cogent response. In fact, I'd love to see a few other Democrats get into it. Jim Webb, for instance. And Lincoln Chafee. And Joe Biden. I'd really love to see Biden get in.

But I thought that you want...

That I want Hillary to win? Yes. I absolutely want Hillary to win. But on the way to her eventual victory, I want her to illustrate what a drastic difference there is between the parties. And for that, she needs help. She needs Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden and whoever else to stand on debate stages together and show how adults address adult issues, rather than a clot of right-wing dorks yelling at one another about gay marriage and guns and who's the biggest dick. And frankly, Bernie Sanders suites me philosophically more than Hillary.

But he's a socialist. Gosh, Mr. Cope, are you saying...

That I'm a socialist? Yes, Squiggy, that's what I'm saying. I and a biggest share of Americans. Only most of them don't know it. But for the first time in my memory, an honest-to-god, self-avowed socialist is going to be running for president on a major party ticket, and people are going to realize they agree with 90 percent of what he says.


Yup. Ninety-percent, give or take. When you start talking Social Security and Medicare, public education and government investment in big, long-term, positive stuff, Americans are for it. That's what scares the pee-wadding out of these Republican clowns. And it's why I'm relatively confident I won't see another Republican president in my lifetime.

But if you think Bernie Sanders is right about stuff more than Hillary, then...

Then why do I want Hillary to win? Because I feel even more strongly that it's our time to have a woman president than I feel about any specific policy. Not only is it time we have a woman president, I think it's vital that we have a woman president, just as it is vital we've now had a black president. This country has become bloated with racism and sexism, do you see? Constipated with racism and sexism. It's an affliction. A disease. An insidious infection that's corrupting our national soul. It's a cancer, and it's going to be our undoing unless we flush it out of our system. Unless we show how wrong the sexists and the racists are. How wrong they've always been.

Um, I don't think I know what you're talking about, Mr. Cope. All I wanted to know is what you think of Bern...

To know what I think of Bernie Sanders? Yes, I like Bernie Sanders. Really like him. And Joe Biden, too. But don't you see? All this turmoil and rancor and division... cops cutting down young black men... the oppressive violence towards women... the epidemic of guns... the constant call for war... the hostility and open hatred... the utter deterioration of respect and civility... Skippy, I'm telling you it's all cut from the same rotten, filthy cloth. It's all puss from the same foul carbuncle. It all oozes from the same putrid scabs, and the scabs are sexism and racism. Don't you see? Don't you?

I don't see why you're getting so wound up, Mr. Cope. I only wanted...  

Yes! You only wanted to know what I think of Bernie Sanders, yes! But Bernie Sanders knows what I am telling you. Bernie Sanders knows better than I do what I am talking about. Bernie Sanders knows that the putrid, oozing, foul, stinking scabs of racism and sexism must be cauterized... cut out!... plastered over with healing goo... or our grand experiment is lost. Lost, I tell you! Think about it!... minorities aren't going to go back to the old ways of oppression and disenfranchisement, are they? Women aren't going back to subservience and second-class status, are they? No, they aren't! Hell no, they aren't! Not to keep the sexists and the racists happy, by God no! So the only way is ahead, dear boy. Ahead! That means every African-American, every Hispanic, every minority of any stripe, every woman, every young girl, every single American, young and old, must know that they have an equal say in where we are taking this great democracy, and that every racist and every sexist must know they have lost! That's why Hillary must win... will win! It's not just because I want it. America wants it!

Uh... er, Mr. Cope, I think I see what's going on here. Is it possible you're still thinking about trying to get a speech-writing job with Hillary? 

Well, you know... if the opportunity were to arise, I'd want to be prepared, right? So yeah, maybe I'm doing a little practicing here. What d'ya think?

Pretty fervent, Mr. Cope. I don't think it would hurt to tone it down a little.

Ya' think? Yeah, maybe. Guess we don't want Hillary coming across like a female Ted Cruz, do we?

I wouldn't think so, no.
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