Much Ado About Something New 

A fictional exchange of emails

To: William Shakespeare, Stratford-upon-Avon, UK

From: Alexander Hole, Big Time Talent Agency, Hollywood, CA, USA

Date: June 5, 2013

Great news! Your new movie, Much Ado About Nothing, is box office gold. I've got to admit: A bunch of 30-somethings jibber-jabbering for two hours about life and love wasn't my bag, but moviegoers on this side of the pond are loving this new style of writing you've got going. Do you have any other scripts you can show me? The early receipts are impressive and I would love to do a deal. Have your girl call my girl.

To: Big Time Talent Agency, Hollywood, CA, USA

From: Royal Shakespeare Company, Stratford-upon-Avon, UK

Date: June 12, 2013

We assumed that your previous correspondence was a prank, but when we made inquiries, we discovered that indeed Much Ado About Nothing had recently been filmed in the United States by director Joss Whedon and that the production had found a modicum of success. Therefore, we have concluded that you are ignorant to the fact that William Shakespeare, the greatest playwright in the history of the English language, has been dead for nearly four centuries. His 38 classics, including Hamlet, Macbeth and Titus Andronicus, have been translated into every major living language.



To: William Shakespeare c/o Incredulous

From: A. Hole, Hollywood

Date: June 19, 2013

Bill, sweetheart, I get it; you're a moody writer. No need to get snippy or have your girl dig a moat around your emotional castle. I'm simply trying to inform you that you've got a bona fide art house smash over here. Since our launch of the film in a handful of New York and Los Angeles theaters, we've opened Much Ado About Nothing on a few more screens and audiences are eating up this sexual tension-thing like its Viagra-laced popcorn. I personally think it's a lot like Sam and Diane from Cheers or Ross and Rachel from Friends. Is that what you based Much Ado on? It's scrumptious!

Hey, I Googled some of those other titles you sent me. Hamlet and Macbeth are a little gloomy, but maybe we can get a sequel going. Sure, they die in the original but would you consider an evil twin who comes back for revenge? And that Titus Andronicus thing? Kinky. I like it, maybe we can skate by with an NC-17 rating?

I also wanted to say how genius it was for you to hook up with Joss Whedon. I love Whedon's Avengers and Iron Man thing. Honestly, when I first heard Whedon was attached to your project, I thought someone said it was going to be called Macho Wants to Do Nothing But Kill Aliens, or something like that. Will you be in L.A. anytime soon?

To: Hollywood AHole

From: Anyone else on the planet with half a brain

Date: June 26, 2013

We apologize if you take offense to our query, but are you a fucking moron? No. 1: Much Ado About Nothing was published in 1623. No. 2: It has been performed on stages in every corner of the planet. No. 3: It has been adapted into more than a dozen television and film productions, dating back to 1913.

Yes, we are particularly proud that Mr. Whedon has done such a fabulous job in his most recent directorial effort. And we're most pleased with Amy Acker's portrayal of Beatrice, Alexis Denisof's Benedick and especially Nathan Fillion's hilarious take on Dogberry. That said, your inane memos have become tiresome.

To: Billy the Reclusive Kid

From: A. Hole, Hollywood, CA

Date: July 1, 2013

No offense taken, Will-I-Am. I've tangled with the best of 'em, and your people really put on a show to protect your privacy.

Hey, you should really make plans to be in L.A. next February for the Oscars. There's some buzz going around that your screenplay for Much Ado is one of the year's best. I'm just saying. You should think about wearing that ruffled-collar thing. One of the girls in the office showed me a portrait of you wearing that old-school costume.

One last thing, the gross receipts for Much Ado have have already topped $2 million in just three weeks and we're beginning to roll it out on some more screens. I'm thinking your piece of the action will be pretty sweet.

To: Alexander Hole, Big Time Talent Agency, Hollywood, CA

From: Royal Shakespeare Company, Stratford-upon-Avon, UK

Date: July 3, 2013

Dear Mr. Hole,

Thank you so very much for your kind letters. Please forward any residuals at your earliest convenience.

Now Playing

Much Ado About Nothing is not showing in any theaters in the area.

Much Ado About Nothing
Rated PG-13 · 109 minutes · 2013
Official Site:
Director: Joss Whedon
Producer: Joss Whedon and Kai Cole
Cast: Amy Acker, Alexis Denisof, Nathan Fillion, Fran Kranz, Jillian Morgese, Sean Maher, Clark Gregg, Reed Diamond, Spencer Clark, Riki Lindhome, Tom Lenk, Ashley Johnson, Emma Bates, Paul Meston, Romy Rosemont and Elsa Guillet-Chapuis
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