Nostril Bill Says So 

The way it will have been by this time next year

I have a hunch old Nostril Damus didn't always wait until the new year to release his predictions. Being a full-time seer must have been a tough enough gig without having to hold everything back for a particular season, don't you suppose? I mean, even in the 16th century, there must have been bills to pay. So I'm guessing he dropped a few quatrains off at Ye Olde Prescience Shoppe every few weeks, just to keep the lights on.

But that's not how we do things now. These days, predictions are like resolutions and eggnog: not something we have a taste for all year long. No, we like to cram any predictions, prognostications, prophecies and visions into a few days before and after New Year's Day. That way, if things don't pan out the way we say they will, we can always claim we were shit-faced when we said them. Here are mine...

From the world of politics:

: • Facing intensifying scrutiny for his part in the broadband scandal, Gov. C.L. "Butch" Otter will announce he is stepping down, claiming he wants to spend more time with his cowboy hat. Lt. Gov. Brad Little will move into the executive office, assuming that with almost three years as the incumbent, he will be a shoo-in for the 2018 election. What Little won't foresee, and exactly what Otter is planning for, is that once he is governor, the scandal is his baby.

: • Dick Cheney will admit that he had personally directed the CIA to give extra "enhanced interrogation" attention to young, healthy men with the same blood type as his own, but that it's just a coincidence he received two previously undisclosed heart transplants in the years immediately following 9/11.

: • Sen. Lindsey Graham will undergo a sex-change operation, grow his hair, replace his wardrobe with evening gowns and pantsuits, and emerge back into the public eye looking exactly like Eleanor Roosevelt.

: • Ex-everything Mitt Romney will announce his intentions to run for the office of president. In the following week, his wife Anne will appear on no fewer than 16 television talk shows, bemoaning the fact that, once again, she will be in the national spotlight.

From the world of Hollywood:

: • Johnny Depp will take a role for what will prove to be the most bizarre on-screen persona of his career. The movie will be titled Johnny's Deppth, and after months of immersing himself in the character—living like Johnny Depp, talking like Johnny Depp, dressing like Johnny Depp and even thinking like Johnny Depp—Johnny Depp will portray Johnny Depp.

: • John Malkovich will be cast as a supporting actor in the movie Johnny's Deppth. His role?... a creepy, John Malkovich-like character named John Malkovich.

: • In what they consider a stroke of genius, high-powered Hollywood producers will combine the Spiderman franchise with the Transformers series in a single movie. In spite of scathing reviews and poor audience attendance, Spideyformers (or Trans-Spideys; Nostril Bill is a bit cloudy on that one) will still make a respectable profit, owing largely to the fact that there is not a single recognizable actor in the film, and that more than 80 percent of the cast will actually pay the studio to be in it.

: • The summer will see the release of another Adam Sandler movie, the name of which will have slipped from our minds by Labor Day.

From the world of celebrities:

: • Bill Cosby will ask celebrity lawyer Gloria Allred to represent him in an attempt to rehabilitate his reputation. She is reluctant, as her normal practice is to speak for the victims of misdeeds rather than the perpetrators. But Cosby will persuade her to at least hear him out. The meeting is civil and professional, and Gloria is actually considering taking him up on his generous offer when The Coz invites her to join him upstairs for a special homemade cappuccino. Things go downhill from there.

: • Charlie Sheen will rejoin the cast of Two and a Half Men, this time as the half man.

From the world of music:

: • There will be nothing new from the world of music.

From the world of religion:

: • Pope Francis will deliver Easter Mass from the Vatican balcony clad in bellbottom jeans, a tie-dyed T-shirt and sandals. His sermon will appeal to "squares" to, in his words, "lighten up, man."

: • The leaders of ISIS will decide that even they and their followers are not devout enough. So in the most dramatic video yet to be released by the militants, thousands of ISIS warriors, including their leaders, will cut off their own heads as a prerecorded voice-over insists that the Western powers brought this on themselves. There will follow a brief (45-minute or so) period of peace in the Middle East, until another terror group emerges to fill the void, releasing a video in which a masked spokesman explains that, "Hey, it's too quiet around here."

: • "The 700 Club's" Pat Robertson of will say something batshit crazy.

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